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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Abortion

20 replies

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 14:51

Abortion…

so I already have a 15 month old who is still co sleeping and still breast feeding all night and in the day) I have found out I’m pregnant. I have been absolutely devastated because I wanted to wait until my 15 month old was at least 3.

my pregnancy with her was awful. I struggled with hg and had quite a traumatic birth.

my partners work is very very demanding and it’s his own business so he would have to go back to work the next day) like he did with my daughter. I’ve never ever thought I’d ever consider an abortion but I just don’t see another way. I was effected quite badly after birth and found it quite a struggle adjusting as obviously I got no help.

i want to enjoy our daughter take her to soft play etc and then when she’s in nursery have another . If I continue this pregnancy I feel like I’d have to stop breast feeding her as I’m already being sick and it’s obviously going to get alot worse yet. I don’t think I could breast feed both and try and get her to sleep in her own room. She definitely isn’t ready for that. I want to put my all into my children and not just manage because I have to’ I don’t have any help so apart from my partner having a Sunday off it’s me and only me parenting every day.

I worked out when this baby would be due and it has the exact same due date as my daughter! She arrived 8 days later so there is every possibility that this baby could be sharing a birthday with her. Which I don’t want) I also don’t think it’s fair that my daughter has to share a birthday party with another sibling.

please give me your opinions (please be nice)

did you regret your abortion? What would you do if in my situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 14:52

Also forgot to add it may sound silly to some but we currently do swimming classes and ballet and these would have to stop as I’d have no one to look after the new baby) so not only all this my daughter would be missing out on all the things we do :(

OP posts:

whattodo12349 · 03/08/2022 17:14

Hi. I answered your other post but just wanted to say that 9 months is a long time. What you do and don’t do, what you can and can’t do, with your DD will be very different when this baby would be born. She’d be doing ballet on her own with you sitting on the side by then wouldn’t she? I used to take the baby with me then. Swimming could be on a Sunday?

What does your DH think? And do you have any family support?

My DC share a birthday and are exactly two years apart. It was really hard for the first few months but I was lucky as my mum came to see me once a week and I kept my first in childcare a couple of days a week as she was already in it from when I’d returned to work.

Abortion might be the right thing for you, especially with HG, but as you want another child anyway this could just be shock? Any unplanned pregnancy is a huge shock.

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 17:27

We do swimming lessons so a Sunday wouldn’t be an option :( they are on a Tuesday. My partner is a farmer so it’s pretty full on. He’d be going back to work the next day to lamb. Same as my daughter as it falls in lambing time. So it’s all on me. I wanted to try and conceive next July so a year from now I feel like a year and 9 month or more is a very long time? As in to now? I feel so sad but I just can’t see having a baby this close in age to my daughter is going to work :( my daughter is going to miss out on so much like soft play etc too. Not to mention I’m still breast feeding her and co sleeping. There’s no way she’d go in her cot in her own room and can’t see that changing anytime soon :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 17:29

I also don’t have hardly any family support. My mum works full time and I see her once a week on her day off but she also doesn’t drive. So it’s a lot of running back and forth.

OP posts:

NrlySp · 03/08/2022 17:32

An unplanned pregnancy can be a big shock. Every pregnancy and birth are different. Remember you older one just needs you and your company - all the extra classes are nice but not essential
Could you get an Au-pair/retired person to help out while you are pregnant/post birth. That would take some of the pressure off from you.
or your partners gets some extra help in.
wishing you well.

MissMaple82 · 03/08/2022 17:36

So do you plan on stopping all activities once your child turns 3? Why do you need to feeding? Sharing a birthday isn't the big deal your making it, and the chances of it happening any are slim.

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 17:37

my daughter will be in nursery and then I’d plan to do the classes like I did with my daughter with the new baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 17:42

Not to mention my mental health with be extremely effected if I don’t go out and do classes. We live in the middle of nowhere so no neighbors. Don’t see anyone all day.

OP posts:

AnxietyForever · 03/08/2022 17:48

I really don't understand the birthday thing (I understand the other points)
We conceived our first child very easily but then struggled to conceive again, our second child was born 2 days after our first child turned 5.
They've had joint party's and never been an issue, they're older now so do their own thing but when little they shared.

Hohofortherobbers · 03/08/2022 17:53

By the time your baby arrives your dd will be 24 months, it's not a very small age gap. I think you're focusing on quite small issues with the swimming and activities. You could find a pool with a creche for the baby and continue swimming with your dd. Your hg and mental health are bigger issues and may lead you to consider termination but won't they still be an issue when you're dd is 3 and you are considering ttc again?

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 03/08/2022 17:55

Maybe I’m overreacting about the other things. My point is she will be in nursery so I wont be looking after her half as much as I am now. My sickness has started straight away this time. Where with her it was after a few weeks straight upto after birth. This past week I’ve been useless and already feel guilty for her as I haven’t been able to give her my attention like I usually would :(

OP posts:

PrachtStück · 03/08/2022 17:55

First of all, you must do what’s right for you.

But personally, these reasons don’t seem big enough to me - although I’m not saying they are not important to you.

Birthday sharing - this really is a non issue. You can’t protect children all their lives from someone sharing something important with them, or coincidences that could make them feel less special. You need to teach children what is important and what isn’t in life. Having the same birthday as a sibling is a complete non issue.

Classes - you can still take a baby to your toddler classes and viceversa (or most of them) and even if you don’t do as many as you’d planned, your daughter won’t be missing out. Plenty of kids don’t do toddler clubs and they’re perfectly fine, intelligent, well developed children as they grow up. In other countries (European ones, not talking about Outer Mongolia here), baby classes are not even a thing. So this is another non issue.

Swimming - can you find a centre that has Sunday slots and move her to one of those?

The one topic that I do see how much you struggle with, is the lack of practical support on a daily basis. That must be incredibly hard and I don’t blame you for considering whether you’d manage with the two. Truth is, you would manage. But are there any other ways of sharing the load? Could you send toddler to childminders a few days a week once the baby is born? Is getting an au pair an option? If you have a spare room, you’d just have to pay them pocket money / food etc. There are guidelines on this but it’s usually cheaper than employing eg a nanny.

I wish you all the best whatever your decision.

gogohmm · 03/08/2022 17:58

Mine are 2 years apart. I won't sugarcoat it - it was hard for the first 18 months but having them close meant they had lots of shared interests growing up and as adults they are pretty close. Newborn babies don't stop you enjoying your toddler, you throw them in the sling and off you go, I did buy a double buggy though! I quit breastfeeding 2 weeks before I conceived (I doubt a coincidence) so no idea about tandem feeding.

Do what right for you but I don't think soft play should factor in, they are not mutually exclusive!

My exh went back to work when dd2 was 3 days old, I lived overseas with no family and knew very few people, but I managed fine

gogohmm · 03/08/2022 17:59

I did plenty of activities btw. I took both of them of course

Judith107 · 06/08/2022 03:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Babyboomtastic · 06/08/2022 20:01

20m between mine, and there were tough bits (not toddler and newborn, but toddler and toddler) but now at 3&5 they play together all the time and they entertain eachother. Lots of mums bring babies with them to their toddlers classes, and if that gets difficult for a rew months, then have a short break and start again once eldest is in nursery.

I had a planned section, but was still going down slides in soft play with my eldest within 2 weeks of birth.

Essentially, its not that small a gap - pretty average I think, and there's no reason practically why it cant work. You just need to decide if its for you, or not.

ps: remember, your 15m old will be a very different child from the 2yo you have when the baby would be born. Mine felt still like a baby when I conceived, and very much a toddler when baby arrived.

Newmum110 · 06/08/2022 20:28

I have just found out I'm pregnant with a surprise baby too. My baby is only 10 months & completely stuck to me. I too suffered HG in my last pregnancy & while I knew I eventually would like another baby I didn't want it this soon. While I am a little sad about the way this is happening I am determined to focus on the positives. If you feel an abortion is the best decision for you then you are making the correct decision for your family but if you are unsure please remember it is a big shock so give yourself some time. I got prescribed drugs for my HG last time? Did you take them?

Original poster

Suziericards87 · 06/08/2022 21:53

Yes I did and sadly made no difference at all, did they work with you? And if so which ones? I have decided to not have an abortion, I knew I’d never be able to get over the guilt. Im 6 weeks pregnant and already hating being pregnant. I envy these women that feel amazing In pregnancy. I’ve had sickness from my missed period :( xx

OP posts:

Newmum110 · 07/08/2022 09:14

@Suziericards87 it was Cariban & it definitely made life more bearable. I absolutely hate pregnancy too so I understand. Just try to look after yourself as best you can. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Babdoc · 07/08/2022 09:34

I was pregnant again when DD was just 7 months, so there’s only a 16 month gap between my two.
It was very hard work at the start, especially as DH died before the new baby’s first birthday, and I had to cope alone for their whole childhood while working as a hospital doctor, but we got through it.
It means you get all the nappies, teething and tantrums out of the way in one fell swoop, and they play together and like the same age appropriate outings.
A playpen is useful, if you need somewhere safe to put the baby away from the toddler. The only thing I found tricky was swimming with a baby and toddler on my own, but I put them in flotation aids or used the baby pool.
They are in their 30s now, and we all survived the experience- I’m sure you will too, OP! Good luck.

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