@Suziericards87 i feel it’s probably best to explain my experience fully on my children I have now and then my decision on abortion.
I have 3 children, 2 girls and a boy (aged 8,6 &18months) and all were planned. There is only 17 months between my girls and I have to admit it was a struggle and I had a really tough time up until they got to the ages of 3 & 4, which is why I swore I wouldn’t have a close age gap again. I felt like I wasn’t a good mum because I was always torn between the 2 of them and felt like I didnt have time for one on one with them. Like you, I don’t have any support except my husband so I understand how much is expected from you. Although it was tough when they were younger I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are best friends going through all the same stages in life together, always have each other to play with and talk to. They don’t remember when they were babies, so all the guilt I felt at the time was pointless I should’ve realised I was just doing my best and that’s all that can be expected.
my son is 18 months old and we decided that he was the one to complete our family. I enjoyed every minute of him being a baby, my girls were in school, I wasn’t working and I had all the time in the world to sit on my couch and cuddle with him and take every moment in. I’ve appreciated every minute of my time with him as I felt I didn’t enjoy my daughters baby stage with feeling so stretched out between them ( but still wouldn’t change it knowing what I know now).
my children have after school hobbies 5 days a week and have done for the past 5 years. I know the thought of taking a baby along to these things adds to your anxiety and stress levels but honestly you get into a routine so quickly and my son has adapted to this as it’s all he’s known. I have felt bad taking him in and out so much between school runs, going food shopping and attending hobbies and whatever else comes on top of this like days out…but like I said before they don’t remember, it’s only you who does.
the abortion….
before I start I am pro choice but I never seen myself in a situation where I would have to make the choice. I was 5 weeks when I found out and spent 3.5 weeks on making a decision as I was so back and forth. My reasons for not wanting another baby were because my home isnt big enough and we’re pretty crammed as it is, we don’t have the money to get a bigger home, put quite a chunk of our savings into a car just a few weeks before finding out about the pregnancy, which we will have to pay up for the next 4 years, I have a thyroid problem which can leave a baby mentally disabled if not treated, not always but it increased the risk (my treatment had just started the week before and takes months to regulate by which time would be too late as the first 12 weeks with this condition is the most important). I struggled like you with the thought of my other children missing out because I had another baby, I would’ve definitely had to cut down they’re hobbies which I really didn’t want to do because I feel my children shouldn’t lose out because of my decisions, the list goes on really.
at one point I decide to keep the baby because I fought with the abortion pill in my hand and couldn’t take it. I spent a few days trying to come to terms with it but really couldn’t and felt even more stressed so I went back and impulsively took the tablet, later that evening once it really hit me what I done I changed my mind, I called the clinic and they told me it was too late and I had to continue with the process and I had to prepare myself for the second part of the process. When I expelled the pregnancy I seen my baby and all the features on its face ( an image that will haunt me for the rest of my life). I can’t pretend it hasn’t been been hard because it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life so far, I’m still really struggling and most days can’t see a way forward but I’m going to keep trying.
after all the pregnancy hormones left me I felt I was able to think straight again, I can admit that I feel relief in knowing I don’t have the stress of another baby to look after but this is totally overshadowed by shame and extreme guilt of what I did. If I could go back I would do things differently but that is just me ( if you read other peoples experiences it was the best decision for them and they have got on with their lives). I realise now that my reasons which seemed valid at the time, I could have overcome if I put my mind to it, it would have been hard and probably not the way I wanted things to be but I would’ve managed somehow. This baby would’ve had the same birthday as my little boy (2 years apart exactly) I am scared of how I will feel every time his birthday comes around knowing there should be 2 celebrating.
I think I was more scared than anything else and that’s what made me make my decision, also the thought of another close age gap scared me even though I know how rewarding it is in the long run but 4 kids to look after compared to 2 the first time around seemed even harder.
if I could go back I would change my decision because for me I think I’ll face a lifetime of guilt and shame for what I did, where I could have been feeling the same if I kept my baby at least I would have had something to show for it all and the love of another child.
I can’t advise you one way or another because everyone’s journey is different but I hope you can maybe take something from my experience that can help with your decision and feel free to message if you want to talk.
sorry about such a long post!