Planned 3rd, Autism, Abortion

[tornandtornagain]

Hello, I'm really struggling with my situation.

I have always wanted 3 children, and was lucky enough to fall pregnant with my 3rd at the beginning of June.

The problem is we found out our eldest is on the spectrum, and now that we know so much more about autism we strongly suspect our youngest is too.

We made the decision at 10 weeks to terminate the third pregnancy, mainly so that we can support our existing children better, and to a lesser degree some anxiety that we'd have a third child on the spectrum too.

The problem is although my head knows it was the right decision I feel so gutted I'm not going to have the family I thought I would. I don't quite know how to move past this.

Jesus @BlazingRufus wtf is that answer?! I’m reporting your post because that’s a horrific thing to say.

OP ultimately you will be the one doing the care of the two you have. It’s rolling a dice whether this new baby will have it too and I would probably do the same thing. Better the devil you know and all that.

So pointing out that being autistic may not be so bad goes against the Mumsnet hive mind? Understood.

Just here to tell you that verbal autistic people can also have a poor quality of life.

Also OP I respect your decision.

@BlazingRufus

Your understanding of autism is also a bit basic. I'm done with autism threads for the day though so I shall let someone else take this.

OP, I am so sorry you got such a shitty reply first.

I get it. And this decision can be both the right decision for your family and also so very, very hard to go through.

You already have children and you know how you feel a third child might affect your family.

Wishing you all the best

Fair point. OP I respect any decision you make, and apologies for expressing an opinion that doesn't match the decision you made.

Well I'd probably do the same if it was me OP. With two on the spectrum, hopefully manageable you just don't know what you are going to get.
A friend had a 1st with very mild autism and then her 2nd with the most high end of the spectrum. She said its completely ruined their family. Although they love all their kids she has years ahead of taking care of a non verbal violent boy which she had when she was in her 40's.
Like you I would prefer to keep my family small and care for the kids I already have.
You shouldn't have to feel guilty for making this decision.

It wasn’t your differing opinion, it was the deliberate emotionally charge judgement intended to make the OP feel shite about her decision.

Hope that clear that up for you.

OP I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to weigh everything up and come to the decision you made. You've made the decision that you feel is right for you and your family and nobody can criticise you for that. It'll be difficult now as it's so fresh but with time you'll be able to make peace with your decision.

Understand how difficult this must feel and sorry you've had this difficult decision and experience. My DD1 is ASD, DD2 not (or at least not evident, yet) and I've toyed between thinking it would be nice for DD2 to have a DS that interacts with her weighed against risk of ASD in a new DC, impact on DD1, etc.. To be honest I have even worried what would I do if I found myself pregnant again, it would be such a tough call.

In terms of asking how do you move forward, I would think that some therapy would probably be helpful if you have not been down that road already. Hope you are well supported by / aligned with DP too.

@tornandtornagain
do you have much support from your partner/ family / friends ? It definitely helps to talk about your feelings to someone you feel comfortable with. Don’t feel bad for your decision, you were doing it for good reasons. 💐

Thank you all for your kind and understanding replies.

DH and I are aligned with both our desire to have a third and then the hardest decision we've ever made, to not continue the pregnancy.

DH and I are both really struggling with where we are at at the moment. We were not ready for having no more baby years etc. ahead of us. It feels like a cruel and abrupt end.

Our head is telling us it was the right decision, and if I were back to being pregnant again the same concerns and fears etc. would be there but it is just a very hard process to go through, and we just want to be how we once were, happy.

I do have a counselling session booked through bpas next week but I think I may need something longer term, and I think DH would benefit from some too. We haven't told any family or friends as we want it to be private.

Hope you are feeling ok. 💐

Thanks for asking. It will be three weeks this Friday and I'm still feeling quite down about it all. Next week would have been the 12 week scan. There is a tension between DH and I. All in all I'm quite low, finding it hard to look after our existing two and not sure how to move forward.

Oh bless you, I'm in a similar boat.

I hope things get better soon x