Advice around terminating - dad using & has mental health issues

[milkytwosugars]

I am struggling so hard after an unplanned pregnancy with a new partner only a few months in. Only since I found out I was pregnant did I realise he was hiding quite a significant drug problem and unaddressed mental health issues - potentially bipolar. Which is exacerbated further by the drugs - some delusions etc. he is often unbalanced and manic and screaming one minute, crying the next.

I have a daughter who is 7 and would not cope 1 second around that behaviour. Her dad and I have a great co-parenting relationship. She has never met him.

I am 40 and this is probably my last chance to have a baby and I desperately want this baby and am so attached as he was so keen on the baby and supportive but obviously his actions are not matching up at present.

he has also just turned on me as I challenged his drug use and told him I didn’t not think I was the right person for him as I would not put up with it. That we should consider doing this as friends which he initially said he would be really open to.

I have decided to have a termination as his behaviour towards me has escalated and I’m seeing some really concerning things. I can’t see how this will be positive in any way for me, the new baby and especially my sensitive daughter who is so happy. We have a beautiful peaceful home.

I am a good single mum and know I could do it on my own, I have a good set up. But when I look ahead to being attached to someone like this I only see darkness ahead. But I do not want to terminate, I really want this baby and feel heartbroken that I have to do this. The only reason is him. I know the family law system extremely well and I know that he will fight me with everything for custody and shared care. I know the trajectory it does not look good.

has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice to offer.

It's a really sad situation for you but in your shoes I would 100% terminate. Bringing a baby into that would be awful for you, your DD and the baby.

I'm so sorry, this is such a hard situation. I've not been in it so I'm afraid I can't offer concrete advice - hopefully others can - but I think the stability of your child's life needs to be your priority and attaching yourself through a baby to someone so unstable seems extremely stressful. Right now you have the chance of a clean break from him, and to maintain the current very good life you and your daughter share. (If you're very keen for another child later down the line you're obviously still fertile and a sperm donor may be a more straightforward route?)

You poor thing, I'm so sorry. I would absolutely terminate but I'm not desperate for another child. There are sometimes no right answers. Just the least worst.

As above, it sounds like it's absolutely the best idea - that's not to say it's not heartbreakingly difficult. As PP said, you're clearly fertile, so you could pursue donor sperm to try for another alone.
A clean break from this man sounds extremely wise.

I would keep the baby and cut all contact with the dad

Honestly, I would put my existing child over an early pregnancy and my own desires and terminate so that you can get completely away from this man and he will never have any leverage over you.

Honestly? If this were your first child I would say go for it but physically move as far as you can away from him. Cut contact, disappear, tell him nothing.

Given you have an existing, settled child who lives near her dad (I assume so anyway when you say you have a good co-parenting arrangement), you can't do that. I'm not going to sit behind a keyboard and tell anyone to have a termination, but I think your reasons for considering one and instincts are incredibly sound.

What about counselling to work through your feelings? Sending you a hand-hold.

Easier said than done in many cases

I think I would keep the child and cut off the father.

Don’t think it’s a very good idea to have an abortion when OP is saying. She desperately wants this child and is already attached to it.

Dad has rights too. If he takes her to court he’ll get access, and be in her life and the baby’s life forever. Potentially making everyone’s life a misery.

OP, only you can make this decision, but in your shoes I would also make the choice to terminate the pregnancy. You are thinking of what is best for you and for your baby, and your daughter. Get this man out of your life.

Very unmumsnetty hugs for you. As per previous poster, no easy decisions but sometimes the least worst.