I'm broken

[Dontknowwhattodo77]

I had a termination almost 4 weeks ago (I was 15 weeks) I'm feeling massively guilty, I think about it every day, constant flashbacks to when i passed it, I cry most days. Today I've not stopped. I look at my dc and that sets me off to because they're amazing little people and think how much I'd be missing if I done the same with them. Also had a complication a week later when I bleed all over my floors and passed something rather large. I had to get excess cells taken out.
I can't bring myself to tell dh this is how I feel. We both agreed this was the best option but I really don't know how I can overcome this.

Bump

I don't really know what to say, but am here until someone who can help comes along, giving you a handhold. Sending you much love x

OP, in an ideal world we could all get pregnant at the exact point we wanted and stopped the possibility when we didn't. That's not real life though and you have a short amount of time to make a huge decision. You did your best with the info you had at the time, xx

Talk to your DP. Share the burden x

@Dontknowwhattodo77 have you looked into possibly counselling? My termination was nearly two weeks ago and struggling with daily feeings of guilt, sadness and anxiety something I am looking into myself. You definitely are not alone x

@scaredandanxious01 no I haven't looked into counselling, I probably should. Not sure if I could If I can't even share with dh how I'm feeling.

Let yourself however you want to feel for however long you feel. You're the only one that can understand fully the pain you're going through. I cried for ages after my termination. I just had to work through my feelings day by day. I've come to the realisation that I miss my baby and would love to have him or her but unfortunately it was the right decision at the time x

Let yourself feel*

@heartbroken22 thanks for your kind words. That is how I'm trying to think that it is and was the right decision for us at this time, doesn't seem to be working right now.

I'm 5 weeks today and I'm feeling a little better. My 1 year is sick and so are the rest of us and it just made me realise no way in hell would I have coped. I don't have any help on normal days never mind when we are ill. I trust God will give me/us back this baby when and if the time is right... xx

@heartbroken22 I hope you're wee one will make a full recovery. Its hard when everyone isn't well. I have two ds. My youngest (almost 18 months) has a heart condition and needs surgery to correct it. He's also very full on so I wouldn't be able to be heavily pregnant and trying to make sure he's cared for after surgery. My 6 year old is great and I felt like I would've had no time for just him. We actually agreed to no more children after our youngest but that's completely different from going through termination at 15 weeks.

@heartbroken22 I’m glad to read you are feeling a little better as seen you around on several threads. Maybe your period now arriving has eased things emotionally, they say PMS can be extra bad with first period after termination x

@Dontknowwhattodo77 thank you. I was thinking the same. I don't know how people do it. Even if the 1 year old wasn't sick...I'm not sure I'm how I could have bent over and put her in her cot whilst being pregnant. I wouldn't have been able to hold her whilst she slept on me. Being a mother is so hard.

@scaredandanxious01 thank you! I've been arguing with my husband and it's not been nice. He doesn't understand all this and it's made me upset but thank you for reminding me about pms...I forgot I used to have bad pms...ovulation was hard too...I felt it more...thanks for reaching out xx

Please contact your service provider - ask for post Abortion counselling - they all provide this

Be kind to yourself .

💐

@Dontknowwhattodo77 I just read your first post again. Talk to your husband and pour everything out. I did and I felt a lot better because the weight just fell off my shoulders. For the first few weeks I was like you should have stopped me then one day 4 weeks later I said everything I wanted to say to him, how I felt, what irritated me, what hurt me, the stress, the panic etc etc. I'm not sure why but it helped. It's better to unburden yourself.

When I had my termination I told myself if I ever regretted it then look at my 1 year old and remember I did it for her because I couldn't look after her and her big sister. When you look at your children remember that you did it for them so you'd be there for them. I think it's our emotions adding too..we're very vulnerable in this state. I remember wanting to go get my 4 year old from school lying that she had a dentist appointment because all I wanted to do was hug and hold both my children in my arms. I don't think we ever understand how strong we are to have had these children we have until we go through something like this. Also remember going home bargains that day and spending money on toys like mad because I missed my kids and the music that was playing made me emotional. Now here at week 5 I'm okay gone back to my usual self irritated with husband and just want the kids to sleep!

I had counselling today managed to get to speak to someone fairly quickly. MSI provide 6 free 1/2hr sessions, I’m not sure if I will have another I just got triggered at the weekend and needed to speak to someone. I just did it on the phone in an office at work. Sat crying on the phone. I had been fairly ok with everything but getting my period back just set me off. Honestly speak to someone they just listen and helped rationalise my thoughts. Hopefully your provider can give you some counselling. Just remember you had your reasons and your reasons are valid xx