Guilt and shame over abortion normal?

[heartbroken22]

This is the aftermath. I felt like I should have been stronger with my sickness. My family should have helped me. When does it ease? I get over it when people tell me I made the choice at that time when I was feeling like hell. But I really wanted my baby. I just felt like I couldn't carry on. I wouldn't be able to carry it due to my health. Either one of us would have died. How stupid. Like how would I have known. I just feel awful. I just knew I wasn't ready but I feel like if I was given time by myself I would have coped.

No I'm not that person but thanks for your concern. Let's hope karma treats you the same way. Can you troll somewhere else please?

@LindaEllen that's my message to you above. Next time I or someone else am on my deathbed can you come over and look after my children? Look after me? Yeah and that's after taking anti sickness tablets and being in hospital, having high blood pressure and a kidney infection because of the violent vomiting. Thank you, you made me feel great about my termination. People like you are why people like me feel helpless. Again hoping there will be some karma towards you today.

OP, can you separate your sadness from guilt and shame?

I am so sorry you were too I’ll to continue, and of course this is incredibly sad.

But you have nothing to feel guilt or shame over. Guilt and shame are self destructive, whereas right now you need to be able to care for yourself in your sadness.

It has been an awful time for you. Would some counselling help?

What did she say?

@heartbroken22
hi just thought I’d come back on to see how you are. Yes I think guilt and shame ( and regret) are the most common feelings after abortion . Just to let you know I had two abortions and neither were for medical reasons . From what you said with your sickness etc I don’t think you should feel bad at all about having the termination. If you have other children to look after you have to put them first . If you were in hospital or being so sick you couldn’t look after them it seems the only decision you could have taken .
I absolutely live with the guilt and regret of my abortions every single day . I hate myself and would rather die than feel
like this. The only reason I live is for my
mum who is getting older now and my kids . Are you on any anti depressants? They help take the edge of the sadness . I’m doing counselling now . Are you in the UK ? I can send you the link x

@heartbroken22 I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You are certainly not alone. It’s a week since my termination and like you I’m feeling guilty and sad and ashamed. Mine was for financial reasons which should be resolved soon, but not guaranteed, and before this pregnancy we were hoping to TTC in about 6 months if all goes to plan. I am beating myself up thinking that everything could have worked out just fine financially if I had continued and I’d have been so glad I had carried on. But then if it hadn’t worked worked to plan it would not be great circumstances at all and I’d have spent the pregnancy feeling stressed and guilty I couldn’t give my baby (and my existing DC) the financial security they deserve.

We need to remember we made our decisions with the information and resources we had available at the time. You had a solid medical reason to not continue and you’ve put your existing dc and your own mental health first which is not something to feel guilty about.
i am going to contact my termination provider and ask about their counselling and also look into some private sessions too just to help me process everything. Unmumsnetty hugs for you, it’s such an awful way to feel about yourself.

@SausageAndCash I'm feeling more sadnesss at the moment and keep thinking I only went to get the termination pills just in case I felt like I couldn't do it. I really wanted my baby and had this thing where I had to take the pills early so that it wasn't bigger. I keep replaying that day when I took them and have to pinpoint why I took them, how was I feeling. I'm just a bit scared counselling might help temporarily. I knew why I took them it was because I was sick and fast approaching 9 weeks. I didn't want a later termination. The more I think... the way I was feeling I would have convinced myself to have a later termination if my life was at risk. I wouldn't have forgiven myself for that. I guess what's done is done. I just want God to give me that exact baby back in my next pregnancy. I'm also scared I won't get pregnant again as some sort of punishment. I keep telling my mum that she as my mother should have stopped me. She keeps saying to me 'darling you were really sick'. It was hard but I hope these days pass too.

@she said something like if I was that user who didn't want to take sickness pills but would rather abort my baby then I need serious counselling. How rude. I'm not that poster and the actual person who posted didn't say that but people like the one above bullied her.

@Threebutterflies thank you. What you feel is how I feel. I had to delete photos from that time because they reminded me. I only know I was pregnant for a week so why am I so sad. Is the counselling like one on one with someone?

*@Threebutterflies not @she

helphopehealing.co.uk/

@heartbroken22
at least you can try for another baby , I can’t even do that ☹️

@Threebutterflies I've given them a message. Do you not want anymore children? With my last pregnancy my teeth were super damaged. I had one root canal and 4 fillings from all the vomiting. I think that's what panicked me like I'm going to get more sick that how I already feel. I feel like the clinics should give a fake pill like a demo pill so you know how you'd feel if it was to end. It was just so quick and instant. Like not everybody's in the right frame of mind when making that decision.

That’s great I hope you find them helpful. It’s a 10 week course . I’m about half way through and even if it dosn’t work it’s been good to talk things through. I had to wait about 6 weeks I think to start .
Yes I would have liked another baby but my partner left me for another women about 5 years ago so I can’t. Also I’m to old now. I guess that’s partly why it’s so hard to accept the abortion as it was my last ever chance of having more kids ☹️.
All I wish for is to have that child back and wish I’d never even considered abortion.
Are you going to try for another baby ? Or do you think the sickness would just be to bad ?

Hi I'm sorry I just realised that I didn't get back to your last message.

Are you okay? It seems like you're also grieving the loss of your partner and the hurt he caused. Have you dated anyone since?

How old are you now?

I want to try for another baby but today, I came to the realisation that one of the reasons I was considering termination was that my husband is unstable. He's not supportive and can get really aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants. It's not a good relationship. I do most things on my own. I was hoping to try but I don't want to right now. I don't want to bring a child into a relationship where mummy and daddy are arguing and only one parent is carrying the burden of responsibility. Men can be so petty and unselfish at times. I'm so envious of women who live in joint families in certain cultures...the women support each other...I have friends who have sister in laws who look after their kids etc...unfortunately my sister in law finds everything a burden....I can see why some people just have 2 kids...

*selfish not unselfish...

The thought of having sex with my husband repulses me at the moment. I am upset. I remember the first thing he said to me 2 weeks after termination was 'I don't feel like having sex anymore' and I knew immediately it was because I terminated the pregnancy (that too we agreed together after he wouldn't help me during me suffering hg). It's manipulation and control. Men can be so nasty.

Ah this made my heart ache for you. Sickness is absolutely dreadful. I had HG in my pregnancy with my son who’s now 3. I was violently ill, sick multiple times every hour. Can’t even put into words how ill I was but it was hell. I couldn’t work. Left my job. Was just killer and was induced early due to how unwell I was and in turn baby stopped growing.

Do not feel guilty Op. I’m desperate for baby no 2 but I know I couldn’t care for my son.
Don’t punish yourself, pregnancy is hard. Mentally and physically. Would you consider counselling to come to terms with your decision? I’m so sorry your feeling this way. Sending love and strength. Believe me, I know how hard that must’ve been 💙

@heartbroken22
hiya how are you today?
no I’m not grieving him anymore as it’s been a long time since we were together. What upsets me is how he’s now moved in with his girlfriend, is happy and having a good life after he ruined mine. He doesn’t give a shit about the abortions or how they hurt me . He doesn’t care that because of the abortions I’m on anti depressants, having counselling and am always depressed. He’s just glad he doesn't have to pay child support and that his girlfriend didn’t find out I was pregnant. So yeah pretty pissed off tbh.
Im 40 now so to late have another baby .
My ex’s sister was showing me some photos of him holding his baby granddaughter in his arms looking down at her. It really broke my heart again he could be so happy about that baby but want to get rid of his own . She’s knows I’m going through abortion counselling so abit insensitive to show me I thought.
I honestly just feel like running away from it all it’s to much to cope with .

40 is not too late if you want to.

Lots of women have children in their early 40s (and some later again).

@LooseGoose22
Thankyou I would be happy to have a baby at 40 but I’m single now. So by the time I met a man and settled down think it would be to late . Tbh I don’t even meet any men these days been single for 5 years !

@heartbroken22 Hi, I went through the same thing. It was horrific and whilst I don’t feel that way anymore, I remember the absolutely awful darkness that descended on my life, feeling I had this horrible secret that I was so ashamed of. In time, a year or so, I realised that it’s not shameful. There shouldn’t need to be guilt. So many more people go through this than you realise. It doesn’t make it any easier but you WILL come through this. People told me at the time there was no shame but I still felt it. I promise it gets better. You and many others have had to make this choice and it’s so hard but it doesn’t make you a bad person. You have to keep reminding yourself of that until you internalise it. Xxx