On the 28th January 2022 I found out I was pregnant. Deep down I knew I was as I was a week late on my period and my cycle literally runs like clockwork. I was 33 years old and wasn’t with the guy who I had fallen pregnant with. We had known each other for 10 years, were very much in and out of each other’s lives but had never been anything serious. On seeing the positive result I was scared, shocked and so nervous to let the father know. I spoke to 2 of my best friends who were equally as shocked but reassured me that everything would be fine, I needed time to process everything myself and then I could deal with letting the father know. At this point I had no idea what I wanted to do, I wasn’t with the father, the pregnancy wasn’t at all planned, however I knew I wanted children one day and deep down I didn’t know if I was emotionally strong enough to deal with the after effects and feelings of an abortion.
Speaking to one of my friends that I confided in about how to tell the father, she reassured me that he was a good guy, we had known him for years and that he would 100% support me through anything because of the type of guy he was.
I called him the evening after I found out to let him know and was met by stunned silence. After a couple of minutes he just said “I’m guessing we won’t be going full term with this?” To which I replied “I don’t know yet”. He flitted between silence and “oh fuck I think I might be sick” before saying that he can’t have kids, won’t ever have kids and if I decided to go through with the pregnancy, he absolutely would not be there in any respect. I was shocked again, I never expected him to jump for joy or be over the moon, but I definitely expected a more supportive approach from him. We decided it was best to speak face to face so said we would meet the following day.
The following day he came to my house and spoke to me for a good 3 hours about his mental state, how past experiences with his family, in particular his dad, had led him to never want a family and how he is so emotionally unavailable that it ruins his relationships, blaming this on possibly having undiagnosed autism or ADHD. I found myself talking more about how he was feeling and checking in on him than actually talking about how I was feeling given that I was the one who was sat there pregnant and confused. There was one point I got upset about the idea of having an abortion and he came to comfort me but it was honestly the coldest, most emotionless contact I think I have ever had from someone. He left and I realised we hadn’t spoken around how I was feeling or the fact I was on the fence about what to do so I messaged him letting him know how I was feeling. At this point he blew up, accused me of trapping him, said this was all unfair on him and that he would resent me if I went through with it. We agreed he would come round the following evening so that we could talk a little bit more.
The following evening he came round and it was just awful. There was shouting and screaming on both parts and he honestly said some of the most awful things that I have ever had said to me. He told me how wrong I was for considering keeping the baby, how I didn’t know what it was like to come from a broken family, accused me of getting pregnant on person to trap him and asked if I had done it because I liked him and wanted to be with him. I shouted back which I’m mad at myself for and when I tried to explain how I wasn’t sure if I could cope with the emotional impact of having an abortion his response was “Jesus I’ll just pay for you to have some therapy or something!” I also spoke around my age and that something that was playing on my mind is what if I had an abortion and then couldn’t or didn’t get pregnant again. His response to this was “that’s ridiculous, I’ll pay to freeze your eggs if you’re that bothered”. After a while he stormed out and I just broke down, I was so emotionally drained, confused and tired by the whole situation and couldn’t believe that someone who I thought would be supportive given how long we had known each other could be so malicious in their words. He also kept repeating that I was only 3 weeks pregnant and “it was just a bunch of cells so what’s the problem with getting rid of it.” I was actually technically 5 weeks pregnant when I found out so had progressed past the point of carrying “just a bunch of cells”.
I was still on the fence as to what I should do but now had all of these awful things that he had said flying around my head too. Something he kept saying was that he wouldn’t be there in any respect if I had the baby. Not emotionally, not financially, not anything and that was now something I was having to have as a factor to my decision. I have the most incredible parents, but I couldn’t speak to them about it as I knew it would kill them hearing I was having to consider a termination as they want nothing more than to be grandparents. My family and friends always would have supported me through going through with the pregnancy but I had to think about my financial situation, the prospect of being a single parent and how difficult the unwilling father could have potentially made things for me if I did have the baby.
What felt like months past that was in actual fact a week and a half and I had heard nothing more from the father. I had gone back and forth in my head and thought my only option given how unsupportive he was, was to explore the option of a termination. I let him know I was exploring this option and had an appointment for the following day (Friday) and heard nothing back. I went through the phone consultation and felt numb. As I knew the exact dates of my cycle, I wasn’t going to have to have a scan and as I would be around 8-9 weeks, I could have the termination with tablets from home. On the Sunday I received a message from the father “where’s your head at then?” At this point I knew I would just be on my own and that he wasn’t ever going to change his stance on supporting me through the pregnancy so I decided to go ahead with the termination.
I let him know everything, let him know the dates and he said he would be there if I wanted him to be. Although I knew I would get nothing from him, I wanted him to be there because I didn’t feel like I should have to go through this all on my own when it took both of us to get pregnant. He booked the following Wednesday off work so that he could come round whilst everything happened.
The following Monday I left work early and picked up the tablets I needed for the termination. Again I felt numb and almost like it was something I wasn’t going through. I had to take the first tablet the following day before work so that I could start the termination process on the Wednesday morning. I was working on the Tuesday so went to take the first tablet before I left but something stopped me doing it. I knew that once I took it, there was no going back. I put the tablet in my handbag and went to work. I kept coming back to taking it and still couldn’t and then at lunch time decided if I didn’t do it now, I never would so took it. There was no going back now. I was busy the rest of the day so was distracted however on the way home, what I was about to go through over the following days hit me. I’d done something that meant there was no going back. I had to have the abortion now and I was devastated. I cried all the way home and for most of the evening before I went to bed.
The next day I woke up to a message off the father “how are you doing?” Well I wasn’t jumping for joy that’s for sure! I had to take the 4 tablets to start the termination at 12pm so let him know. He said he would be round for 1pm. 30 minutes after taking the tablets I felt panicky, sick and had the worst stomach cramps. The week and a half before this I had started to get sickness in the morning so I had gotten used to this. The father turned up and was completely shocked by how in pain and uncomfortable I was, he didn’t know what to do or what to say. For the next 6 hours we sat in near on silence, I was in and out of the bathroom in pain with him asking how I was every-time I got up to go. He did some work on a separate sofa whilst I lay on the other sofa curled up trying to block out how I was feeling. There was no emotion from either of us, no conversation about what was happening and no comfort towards me from his part. Eventually he spoke “I’m going to have to go now, I’m playing football with the lads at 7pm”. He left and asked me to let him know how I was. I then ran a bath, got in and cried inconsolably for just over an hour. I was completely on my own, going through something I didn’t 100% want to do because someone else wanted me to do it and that someone had left to have a nice time with his mates.
The next few weeks were a lot. The pain and cramps subsided to mild period pains after a couple of days but nothing prepared me for how much I would continue to bleed over the next couple of weeks. Symptoms would subside and then out of nowhere whilst I was in work I would get a bad bleed that would remind me of everything that happened. Eventually I got back to normal physically and I genuinely thought I was doing okay.
This all happened in February and we are now in June and what I have realised is, I completely masked how I was feeling and didn’t let myself grieve at all. A couple of my friends have found out they are pregnant since and honestly, I couldn’t be happier for them but at the same time as being elated for them, I have this feeling of genuine heartbreak for myself. I allowed someone to manipulate my way of thinking and not consider how I was feeling and had a termination that I didn’t really want. I should now be sharing excitement with my pregnant friends about how we are pregnant at the same time, comparing bumps, discussing prams and nurseries and instead I was having these conversations, feeling happy for my friends but breaking inside at how sad I am that I’m not experiencing this too.
The hardest part of this is the loneliness that comes with it. Abortion is quite a taboo subject and knowing who you can talk to about it is really difficult to navigate. This has massively made me put up a guard around how I’m feeling but instead of helping, it’s made things 10 times worse. I’m angry that people don’t delve more into how I’m feeling. I’m angry that I cry randomly on some days when I’m fine on others. I’m angry that the potential father is living a life he wants to live with no guilt and no regrets because he got what he wanted. And I’m angry at myself constantly for doing something I didn’t 100% want to do.
If I take a positive from this, it’s that I know 100% now that I want to be a mum. I want a baby one day and I really do believe I would be a great mum.
I turned 34 a couple of weeks back and these past couple of weeks have been hard. I’ve been sad, struggling to keep my emotions in check and have found myself thinking more about what life could be like if I had kept the baby. I am really hoping that writing everything down almost frees me from these sad feelings a little bit as it gets it out there, the emotions are free and I can hopefully begin to heal from them a little bit.
To the baby that could have been - I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to my own feelings and give us a chance. I’m so sorry that I deprived you of what would have been the most incredible support system because honestly, my family and friends are just amazing. I promise I’ll be stronger and that one day, I will be the best mum I can be. 🤍