To continue with the pregnancy or not?

[MamaC0nfused]

My husband and I have 3 wonderful DC - DD1(12), DD2 (3.5), DD3 (1.5). We are very unexpectedly pregnant with a 4th (major contraception failure) and going round in circles as to how to proceed. Now 6 weeks so desperately need to make a decision as to whether or not to continue the pregnancy.

We had spoken about a 4th in the past and both liked the idea, however we had been undecided whether it would be the right thing to do by DD1. She is a lot older than her siblings and, while she's mostly very good with them, it feels like a lot to ask of her as the little ones are quite demanding of our time already. It can be hard to find activities that work across the age range in the holidays etc and having another baby would probably compound this issue. That said, we make a big effort to try and get valuable one on one time with her as much as possible, both individually and together.

If it weren't for being worried about the impact on DD1 we would 100% continue with the pregnancy but we are worried that doing so would be selfish and that she might end up resenting us. I'm also a little worried about how I'd manage the first 6 months with 3 under 5 as a SAHM but I know we'd find a way to cope. Financially, we could afford this baby and do have the space, but it would definitely stretch us. Although we are pro-choice, neither of us are comfortable with the idea of termination, particularly me. I keep reading about how 95% of women don't regret them but I'm very worried that I wouldn't handle it at all well - just thinking about it makes me feel completely panicked. My husband thinks the logical thing to do would be to terminate (and to an extent I agree), but then also says he's excited at the idea of another baby and would love to keep it.

Really stuck as to what to do. It feels like there's no 'good' solution but we're going to have to settle on one fast. Any advice would be so welcome.

You sound like a wonderful family and you have answered your own questions here.

I agree with the previous poster. You know what you want to do.
as someone who had a termination all I can say is do not do it unless your 100% it’s the right decision. It’s not something that’s easy to move on from or forgive yourself for, never mind if you regret it afterwards

how mature is DD? Could you ask her how she’s feel about having another brother or sister?

Yes you've answered your own question xx

You sound like this baby will be welcomed and loved. You love all your children, I can't imagine being your eldest and finding out you terminated a sibling for fear of upsetting her.
I have a12yo dd, it's a sensitive age with a lot going on. You need to find ways to give her your undivided attention - now and when the new baby comes. As you've said, her needs are as important as the younger ones.
Congratulations on your new baby.

Thank you everyone. It's helpful to hear that you think I've answered my own question - I worry it would be selfish to continue but my gut feeling is I'd really struggle. I know there would be a lot of family disapproval - two kids are the norm in my family and even 3 was considered excessive - but, as I've said, our main concern is DD1 and her having to put up with so many small siblings.

She's pretty mature and likes adult company. I don't think she'd be too excited by the idea of another but suspect she'd be ok with it. DD2 is quite needy with her which she finds hard at times. We try to make sure the little ones stay out of DD1's room to protect her need for privacy. Just feel bad sometimes as she'll always do homework up in her room where it's quiet rather than in the kitchen, so she feels a bit cut off though I think she's perfectly happy with that.

My sister has 4 within a roughly similar age range- 19, 14, 12, 8. More complex in this case as dd19 was by an ex. Going from 3 to 4 was rather more overwhelming than they anticipated. However, no issues between the kids. In fact, one memorable morning they all ganged up to tell their parents they'd decided it was time to start trying for dc5!

Thanks. I know it probably seems mad to be contemplating it for this reason but do feel very guilty at times and that DD1 does get the short end of the stick. She was an only child for 9 years and has had a lot of change to cope with over the last few years. It's so hard finding activities that work for both ages. I do think we could do it and would just have to make her a priority - just all feels rather daunting. We don't really have family to help

As a parent of teenagers can I just point out that she may naturally start to move away from you anyway at this point so if that happens do not blame yourselves or the new baby.
Make time for her separately wherever you can, you sound lovely and considerate of her needs

I'm one of 4 but not the oldest. It's true my parents time was pretty stretched, massively so when they divorced. I did feel like I missed out on that one-to-one time that I craved but ultimately, as an adult, I'm so glad of all my siblings. There is nearly 10 years between me and my oldest sibling and we get on well and love each other very much. I actually think my oldest sibling got the best deal, she's the only one of us that got undivided attention prior to siblings being born! I'd say, if you'd love and welcome this baby, have it. Think of the long game, in 6-8 years, your oldest will be mainly independent and then even further down the line, you'd have 4 adult children who hopefully love and support each other through their adult lives.

Thank you. Good points about DD1 starting to naturally start to move away from us a little - it's started to happen already a little I think, since she's started secondary. Just keen not to accelerate the process by her feeling shut out.

Love the idea of them all being there for each other as adults to support one another. Still feeling rather panicked by it all - especially how we'll cope with three pre-school age children at home. I know I shouldn't care about other people's reactions too but think it'll be very obvious it wasn't planned/particularly sensible.