Medical abortion…conflicting feelings and fear

[Willow8383]

Hi all! It’s my first time posting after I’ve read so many helpful comments here, the support in this group is amazing. Two weeks ago I found out that I’m pregnant. I’m 39 years old, no children, and now 6 weeks + 3 days. I’m terrified about pregnancy and giving birth (I have health anxiety). I never had the urge to be a mother, but hadn’t completely ruled it out either. My partner really wants children. If I could snip my finger and not be pregnant right now, I would.

I had an appointment with BPAS and collected the pills to take at home. But I’m so scared. I’m terrified of the pain, excessive bleeding and ending up in hospital. And I start to have second thoughts…should I just go through with the pregnancy? It seems that once the child is there, we feel happiness and would not want it any other way? I’m so confused that I don’t even know anymore whether my health/pregnancy anxiety pushes me towards doing the abortion, or whether my fear of abortion makes me continue a pregnancy I actually don’t want.

You really need to talk to people irl, especially your partner.

I took the pills Monday just gone.. it's really not as bad as u read.. I was 5 weeks 3/4 days.. hardly any pain.. just like a heavy period.. now it's just a light period with a few small clots when I wipe.. hardly anything on the pad..

If u r still not clear pls think and talk it through with yr partner..

U still have a week or so..
😘

My partner doesn’t want to say anything else on this topic other than he would want the child (and he can’t imagine never having children in his life) but he says it’s my decision and I need to do what is right for me. I feel that he can’t give me any further support because he is emotionally conflicted - he was so happy (unlike me) when we found out that I am pregnant. My family would never talk to me again for even slightly considering an abortion, so I’m hoping for some impartial views on here.

Thank you @brownbeauty80

Pregnancy and birth are different for every single person but the old adage is true, if it was that bad then the human race would have died out ages ago!!

I had dreadful sickness, nausea and tiredness with all three of my pregnancies but you have to hear in mind that it's a natural part of the process for many people and you're not actually "ill"

Midwives and doctors are well used to people with all types of anxiety and will talk you through the whole thing.

Remember that on forums people only post the worst. Often stories can be sensationalised, dramatised and downright untrue so please don't base your decision on stuff on places like this.

Speak to your partner, there's not going to be an easy end if you do abort your baby and there may well be implications for your relationship.

You can do it.

Please don't do anything until you speak to a professional. I'm sure bpas do counselling. You should go and talk to them about your decision. No one can decide apart from you. This is a huge decision you will have to go through one of the two things you fear birth or abortion. So consider both options.

Abortion experience for me was a peaceful decision and wasn't as awful as expected but I ended up in hospital afterwards with excessive bleeding and retained bits, which was grim and worrying and upsetting as fuck with a crap dr reminding me of sexual assault but all ended well and I even managed to bury the blob in a lovely spot.
Birth on the other hand was obviously rather painful but I had healthy well positioned babies and the last one went especially well having learnt what to actually do. Like don't just cross your fingers and ask the midwives to tell you what to do, actually learn how to give birth. After effects for me minimal.
Decide with your partner if you want a new person in your life and family (though never maternal I love having these extra family members), and if you feel able to have a good crack at putting in the physical and mental effort required.
Ah the joys of being a woman.
Good luck and hope you can be at peace with whatever decision you make.

@Willow8383 You sound exactly like me, 2 weeks ago! I’m 39 too, no children and my pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected (I have PCOS so just never thought I could ever get pregnant). I also have health anxiety and huge fears about being pregnant and giving birth too. Unfortunately I made the decision to terminate at 6 weeks 3 days, for so many reasons but mainly due to my current poor health. I had a medical termination at home and had the same fears as you, I was absolutely terrified of haemorrhaging and ending up in hospital! My experience wasn’t anything like that at all, I didn’t bleed anywhere near as much as I was expecting, the cramps were completely manageable and 9 days on I’ve stopped bleeding and my pregnancy symptoms have all gone. Hopefully when I take the test to confirm the outcome in 2 weeks it will be negative 🤞🏻

Although I know 100% that I did the right thing for my current situation, it’s affected me more emotionally and mentally than I thought it would. There is a small part of me that regrets my termination and wishes my circumstances could have allowed me to have the baby. I also feel that this was my one and only chance to become a Mum and I’ve thrown it away 🥺 So please be kind to yourself and I hope you come to a decision that’s right for you 💐

Thank you all for your replies!

@Theoriginalinvisiblewoman oh yes, a very similar situation indeed! I hope it all works out well for you!

@Willow8383 , I wanted to add that if fear of giving birth is part of your decision making then that can be communicated with Drs and midwives throughout so you can getca planned c-section. I did this and the c-section itself was totally painless and took 10 minutes. The recovery was quick (hurt when stabding up / sitting down for a few days then was tender to the touch for about a month) and with proper care you can fade the scar away entirely

I also found that I was able to mitigate my fear of pregnancy by addressing particular concerns and making sure they didn't happen. I was most scared about any permanent changes to my body so made sure i didn't put on additional weight by eating healthy and avoided stretch marks completely by using bio oil twice daily then later buying a stretch mark prevention band.

Now my baby is nearly 1 and you can hardly tell i was pregnant at all (breasts still bigger and scar still slightly visible but should be gone soon)

Honestly I'm so glad I had her and I never even considered wanting a baby.

I don't know if I would have regretted never having one if I hadn't known her but now she's here I wouldn't change a thing

@Willow8383 I think you need to step back and have a look at whether it's YOU or the anxiety speaking for you.

Having a termination if that's what you genuinely want is the right choice but are you considering as termination because you're in absolute panic mode?

I have a panic and anxiety disorder and it's controlled a lot of my life and restricted me from doing things I really want to do but I am just too scared of the panic. I've made the conscious decision to not let it take potentially being a mother away from me. This illness takes too much away from us.

Please really consider what you actually want for your life and if it's not being a mum, then have the abortion because it's right for you. But don't do it because you're scared and a part of your brain is misfiring.

Anxiety and panic is controllable and you'll be well looked after through a pregnancy by the mental health team who see people like us everyday.

I'm sure even people who don't have anxiety think "fuck, I'm scared and I don't want to do this"

Hi @Willow8383 hope you don’t mind me jumping on…..I have just completed a medical abortion on Saturday…. I was absolutely terrified at the time as I didn’t know what to expect, but it was fine nothing like the horror stories that I read! Honestly if you decide to take this route, you will be absolutely fine, but I will advise you to take all the medications supplied even if you have cramping and have started bleeding…. Definitely take the last 2 tablets as these will stop you retaining any products and will clean out your uterus…
but I would advise you to sit down and have a good chat with your partner as it is both your decision to make….. it’s s tricky one as you have no children so you really need to ask yourself, if you can see a child in your future?
Don’t choose abortion just because your scared of giving birth….. please don’t!
Although I don’t regret my decision to have a medical abortion….. I also have 4 children that are my absolute world, and making this decision was the hardest I’ve ever had to do…. it makes me so sad but it was the right choice for me and my family…… here anytime if you want to chat xx

Thank you all for the replies, some really helpful points and advice re anxiety which made me think a lot yesterday and today, and thanks @Zozo22 for sharing your recent experience! My partner and I have planned a long talk for tonight to discuss our situation again, and then I will make a decision which will hopefully be the right decision for me.

I never wanted children (I now have 2) something just clicked when I fell pregnant with my first and I knew I wanted to be a mum at that point. My boys are my world. I have also gone through an abortion I was 15 weeks, it's broken me to an extent but it was the right decision for our family. All I can say is make sure you know what you want to do.

i was just hoping someone can tell me what will be discussed during the telephone consultation with BPAS as I’m very nervous.
thanks