Don’t know what to do (3rd)

[Undecided111]

Surely I should be leaning one way or the other about a surprise 3rd? Because I honestly feel 50/50. I feel like my gut should be telling me what to do but I wake up some mornings like “this is my baby” and others “I am not doing this again.” I keep reading threads on this topic to try and get a gut reaction but .. nothing.

DH is being very vague about what he thinks. I suppose he doesn’t want to express a view that might be contrary to mine.

Pros-
I have always said I wanted a bigger family
I love being a Mum
I love being pregnant

Cons -
Financial. Doable but only with big decisions to make.
We have no help from family
I find the toddler years challenging and I’m just getting through them. Do I want to change more nappies? Argue with a toddler to get dressed / get in the pram etc for years to come?

I recently terminated due to I'll health. Please don't do it if you are not sure. I am devastated and heartbroken. You adjust to having a new baby just focus on what happening right now. When the baby comes that's a different story. But once that baby is gone there's no going back. I'd do anything to have my baby come back and I wish someone had been there to hold my hand and tell me theyd take care of everything. But it wasn't meant to be.

Thank you for that. I don’t think it helps that my husband seems to see it as no more of a big deal than taking the morning after pill and that we need to be really sure we want the baby rather than the other way around.

I think he thinks we’d end up seeing it maybe as like one of the 2 miscarriages I had while trying for our DC but I’m not so sure. They didn’t upset me all that much and aren’t something I think about but I didn’t end those - they were just obviously not meant to be. I think a pregnancy that is continuing and otherwise viable is potentially a different thing.

If I could turn back time and go back and not get pregnant I would. Is that my answer? - or is that too a simplistic way of looking at it and doesn’t take into account that I am now pregnant.

Trust me it's nothing like a miscarriage because they're both different.

You're having a baby you can't go back in time and erase that. I look back and then think how could I have rejected something that was given to me. I'm just speaking from the other side. The grief is awful.

I felt similar before my second termination. I was so torn . I really didn’t want another baby but I didn’t want an abortion either . It’s such an awful decision to make . I had actually taken 2 morning after pills that had failed so I tried to think of it like and extension of that . If they had worked this baby never would have existed anyway . So in the end I just had to make a decision and stick with it either way so I had the abortion. Do you think your partner actually wants another child or not?

Do you think your partner actually wants another child or not? He was sad when I started passing on all of our baby stuff that I had in storage (another problem!) and basically seems to want to keep the question of a 3rd open indefinitely whilst also stressing that we were not trying atm for some very good reasons.

He’d always wanted children but I can’t actually imagine him ever actually proactively discussing trying .. It was me that said I was ready for our first and he agreed to try whilst also seeming a bit nervous, it was definitely led by me. I don’t know if this would be similar - we just need pushing into it - or if it would really make life so much more difficult.

Sounds like a tough decision and he’s not being to helpful. Do you know how many weeks you are ? Maybe it’s just not the right time for you now but would be in the future?

When you're pregnant everything is always blown out of proportion in your head due to the hormones and you can't think straight. If he hasn't said no and you're planning a third anyway then please go ahead. You don't seem like you want to get rid of your baby. Life just adjusts itself once a baby comes. Yes the first 2-3 weeks are hard but manageable.

I had a termination recently and I wish someone was there to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be okay instead of worrying about everything including my other children. Now that I'm not pregnant I'm not sure what I was worried about.

@Undecided111 how do you feel today? It's a really tough decision. I had twins for number three but that was from ivf then after 9 rounds I got pregnant naturally when the twins were two (older ones were 4 and 6) I was absolutely terrified and couldn't believe it but we went ahead, financially it was really tough but they're all teenagers now, and I don't regret it for a minute but my story is probably different because of all the fertility treatment I knew I couldn't terminate.
Either way it's hard, you just have to decide which kind of hard you can cope with better

Thank you everyone who has commented. It’s so nice hearing outside perspectives because I guess this is just one of those things I’ll never be able to discuss with anyone but my DH.. but mostly just going round and round in my own head … I would love to just unburden to a friend but I’ve ruled everyone out for various reasons - religious, has had fertility issues etc and it wouldn’t be fair.

I don’t have long before my appointment which I made to give myself some sort of deadline.. Still no further really except that I think DH is coming to the conclusion that we should stick with 2 and I’m not sure.

@Undecided111 i have been in your position and it is awful. It's the hardest decision you'll ever have to make and I absolutely feel for you Xx

I think I’m probably leaning towards going with termination, which I’m finding very sad.

I always wanted a big family and it’s letting go of that dream. I found it hard when it looked like it was never going to be the time so I got rid of most of the baby stuff, but this is like that but obviously worse because I’m not only closing the chapter (which I basically thought I’d already done) but getting rid of something real.

The fact is that we weren’t trying for a reason - logistically and financially it’s too hard. The idea that through my own choice I could make life harder for my DH and DC is one I’m not sure I could live with.

I know I will regret it but then it will be regretting something I never actually live through and I’ll just be regretting an abstract idea. I am jealous when I see large, happy families but it’s not the same as living it, is it? We’d have to move house eventually, we’ll have to make difficult financial decisions that would affect DC1 and 2… and then selfishly, I do find the toddler years just utterly DRAINING. I’m also really struggling with the idea of having a baby that my DH would love and support but would have rather not had.. how does that go? Ultimately, even if he were still on the fence though I’d probably still be erring on the side of this being a very, very sad mistake.

On another thread recently about termination where the OP did decide to terminate one poster said that while many women feel sadness about it, ultimately very few feel regret. The OP found that quite useful and realised her feelings were more like sadness. So sharing in case it's useful.

FWIW it sounds like you're making a sensible, measured decision having weighed up all your options. You will be ok.

We decided to keep an accidental third conceived the month after we decided we were definitely done at 2. In a few years it is going to mean moving, getting a bigger car, and a few other financial sacrifices but if I've found its helped focus my mind on what's actually important to me. There were moments when I thought what on earth have we done but I've also found it really helpful thinking that the really hard years are short and you don't have a baby because you want a baby, you have it because you want a whole extra person in your family. How old are your older two and how far along are you?

5.5 and 3. I do think in a way they would be the idea ages because the age gap would be bigger this time and they have each other to play with (and fortunately they do get on) but not too big that they’d never play with the youngest one. It’s sad because this is what I’d always wanted really but that was some years a go when we’d assumed we’d be in a different place financially by now and the plan had changed because we are not.

House move would have to happen. My 2 share because it’s easier and because we use the extra room for an office / storage but at least it’s there and I know come high school age or before, they can have their own rooms. A 4 bed house is quite a big ask where we are (London) and I guess we’d have to move out, changing school.. One of the reasons we never moved out is that DH is out at work around 70 hours a week and we’d actually rarely see him if we added a bigger commute (which would be even harder on me again).

I know it’s very selfish but then I suppose, all parts of planning your family are selfish really and this is our life - mine, DH’s and DC’s and the only way we could fit a 3rd baby in it is by changing most aspects of it. I do very much see your point about wanting a third child not a baby/ toddler because those years are short and ultimately a means to an end. But the thing is, they’re also hard years and I’m mostly by myself (weekdays anyway) and there are no family members to pop in, all of my friends are busy with their own families and/or work. Neither of my children have ever mastered the art of sleeping on their own in their own beds and whilst I have loved it, the idea of co-sleeping for another 3,4 + years.. I don’t know. I know women cope with harder but maybe it’s also just a matter of choosing how hard you want your life to be..

I’ve known about 10 days now. My appointment is today although I’m not going to take any pills until the weekend (assuming I have them by then) as if I’m in pain I need another adult around with me. Guess this way it also buys me an extra few days.

I’m trying hard not to compare myself to other families now as I kept doing that . How can they cope with 5 kids and I can’t ? Then I’d feel bad . I was even comparing myself to the radford family (22kids) thinking how can they manage and I terminated mine ? Now I know it’s pointless as only you know what you can mange. Also you never know what family support they get either - they may have loads of help with childcare. I found having 2 kids so much easier . So yeah it’s totally up to you , don’t feel guilty your just doing the best you can .

It's not selfish OP. It's a choice, a legitimate choice, and it's ok to decide how hard you want your life to be!

I absolutely get where you're coming from as I definitely felt a lot of the same and in a situation that should be significantly easier. It's such a difficult decision to make, don't be afraid to wait to make it until you are absolutely certain but obviously you have to do what is right for you and your family, not anyone else.

FWIW I have two and would 100% terminate if I got pregnant by accident. A third means less attention and time for the two you have already. we are lucky enough to have two healthy kids so I also think 'why roll that dice again'