Abortion Regret

[Anna0304]

I’m 35 years old with endometriosis and adenomyosis. I was told to freeze my eggs and that it will be hard for me to get pregnant however at the start of this year I fell pregnant to my partner. I was happy but also so scared.
i have complex ptsd, and a few other mental health issues caused from trauma as I was growing up from a young age which I am working on to get better but I’m not quite there yet. I had to make the choice to have an abortion because of my mental health issues and I did not want to pass on my trauma to my child by not being able to be the best mum I could be if I had gone through with my pregnancy. It took the hospital a while to get me in and took me a while to come to the decision as I really wanted this baby. So they had to do it at 20 weeks 😢😢. I’m absolutely devastated and I’m so depressed because of this. I’m angry, upset, I have so much regret and I just want to go back so I can keep my baby. I know what I did was for the best but it doesn’t help with all the pain I’m feeling. I’m terrified it won’t ever happen again when I am better mentally and that is making me lose all hope for my life. Has anyone gone through anything similar? I just don’t know what to do anymore 😢😔

Be kind to yourself, do everything you can to optimise your mental health (which you sound like you are already doing).

Hi Anna, first off im so sorry you're feeling so badly. With time it will hopefully ease up, but of course right now you are in the absolute thick of it.
One thing to know, that has really helped me, is knowing that you are not alone, not in the slightest. There are (unfortunately) a lot of us women who feel the same about our terminations :( the terror while making the decision is something else, it's completely overwhelming and blocks everything else out. I've found that now that the decision has been made and gone through with, there is a lot more space to feel all these new feelings of regret and anger and a new kind of fear (that it won't happen again).

Do you have a therapist or any other mental health professional you can talk to? Well done to you for working on your mental health, from what you said it sounds like you're doing a very good job on working on yourself, which is hugely commendable. You sound like you will be a very good mum when the time is right, which it will be some day.

I'm a bit over a month after my termination and to be honest with you I still feel like crap, but the overwhelming panic attacks don't happen anymore (thank fuck). There is another thread of us who feel like you feel on this board if you want to post there too. Sending you lots of love, you aren't alone xxx

Sorry also just to mention, your hormones are also all over the place, which can affect you much more than you realise (I have noticed myself looking back, it didn't feel like hormones at the time). Your hormones are going to take a while to settle, so try to bear that in mind when you're feeling extra panicky.

Thank you so so much for your reply. It really helps to know there are others out there and that people understand why I had to do what I did even though I didn’t want to. I was just wondering where the other area is that I can post in?

Thank you so much

I do see a psychologist every fortnight. I’ve been working with her for over a year and we are doing trauma therapy so she will be able to work with me on this too. I’ve been seeing psychologists for the last 18 years so it’s been a long process. I guess I just have a lot of doubt and hopelessness that I won’t ever be able to have a child with my partner. I’ve only been with him for two years but I’ve never been in a relationship where I’m treated well, which I guess makes me want to have children all the more.

@Anna0304
yes I have been through all those emotions and still struggling. I had 2 abortions I was about 5/6 weeks . I do have mental health problems now so am on anti depressants. I’d definitely agree with the first poster to get your mental health in a good place first. But no your definitely not alone x

Hi @Anna0304, how are you getting on? X

I imagine this is Overtons Window in action. (Not OP but this poster)

@RadicalisedByMumzNet
what is overtons window ?

I haven't heard of overtons window either, what is it?

Having googled it it seems that @RadicalisedByMumzNet is suggesting that I am posting here out of false goodwill in order to push a conservative view (albeit it also seems to be like an incorrect usage of the term).

I'm not, I'm concerned for Anna, who has gone through something traumatic and came here for support, and hasn't posted in a while, and I know firsthand that knowing that other women are looking out for me is very helpful, and I want to extend the same to other women.

Quite a rude assertion, especially on this board, on this topic.

I had another thread on here and was saying how depressed I was after my abortion. A lady reported me to mumsnet because she said I was a troll trying to put women off having abortions . It will probably get worse now after all the crap going on in America. Apparently if you have an abortion your not allowed to have mental health problems after .

Fucking unbelievable. The gall of people who presumably would call themselves "feminists" reporting women for discussing their feelings after a termination.

To be honest I think what everyone on either side wants is for women to just STFU and swallow whatever shit it is said group is peddling, and be grateful for it. No being human and having complicated feelings, you toe the party line or else you are ostracised. Neither side even pretends to care about women, I hate it. And you're right, with all that's going on in America it's going to get worse, and once again, vulnerable women are the collateral.

Neither side cares about women's suffering unless it's good for their optics.

Hi everyone. I’m doing as best I can. I had a friend that said some really nasty things to me so it took me a few days to get past that. I’m trying my hardest to work on myself, my mental health, my psychical health and hormones so that I can one day be in the right place to have a child. I’m going to do this for my bub so that they will be proud of me. Thank you everyone for your kind words and compassion xx

Was your friend saying nasty things about having an abortion you mean? Hope there your ex friend now !

They are not a friend, please do not allow them headspace.

Wishing you all the best with your future

“ I don’t know what to do”

What you do OP is remind yourself why you decided to have the abortion, you have listed a lot of reasons in your post, and for many people even one would have been enough to make them decide not to continue with the pregnancy. I think you are perhaps feeling a bit stronger now, but the point is, you weren’t then, and you made the right decision for yourself and your pregnancy at the time. And that is all any of us can ever do because we can’t foretell the future. Do you think , remembering how you were feeling then , that you would have been able to continue with the pregnancy and caring for a tiny dependant baby without your MH deteriorating further?

Hindsight can be very painful, time does change our perception, it’s sometimes hard to remember that we always make decisions based on current knowledge and feelings, knowing that situations can change, sometimes for the better, but also sometimes for the worse.

I think you are sounding stronger now, and as a pp has said you need to concentrate on making yourself stronger mentally, because whatever happens in your life, ( and I hope it includes a family if that is what you want) by building your resilience and understanding of yourself you will be better placed to deal with both good and bad outcomes. And I do hope you have better days ahead.

@viques
what a kind and helpful post 💐