Second child dilemma

[Marvel12]

I am torn between the decision to have a second child. I am full time working and in my late thirties and have a daughter. Physically I am not of a strong built and lack stamina. Even though I was never of the kind who would feel that 'women are incomplete without having children', I had the first one for the sheer sake of my husband - and to an extent not knowing what 'real' pregnancy and raising a baby takes. Also, back then, I did not really had the idea that its ok not to have a child at all - it was like a norm that u get married and have child/children. I struggled in my pregnancy from the very first trimester. I could hardly digest even lightest of meals during the last weeks - used to have severe heartburns/vomiting bouts. To sum up, except for feeling the baby kick inside, I hated almost every part of being pregnant. Even to this day, it gives me a shiver if I think of those 8-9 months. Not to even mention breast feeding the child over sleepless nights.
My husband had always wanted 2 kids - something we had discussed before marriage as well. I kept on rejecting the idea of second child for past 2 years and it has not gone very well with my husband - he has lost his sleep over this idea and in turn it has badly affected his physical/mental health.

My daughter has not yet asked for a sibling but the kind of energy I have in my home for a while now - 'there is something lacking in our lives' - it has somehow started impacting me and I feel it will soon start impacting my daughter as well.

I have read so many posts about sibling love and the importance of having more than one child. On one end, I still cannot convince myself to go through all this again and on the other there are guilt trips that I am depriving my husband and child of something they deserve. I have talked to my husband about the option of adoption but that is clearly not acceptable to him. Ironically, my sibling dont have children of their own (which means no cousins for daughter) so at this crucial point I have no one to discuss about my dilemmas.

Please can someone share some words of wisdom!

You sound very much like me. I deliberated but decided to stick with one, fortunately my husband felt the same way.

Yes I feel guilty sometimes (although fortunate that mine has lots of cousins) but I just couldn't put myself through it again for the sole purpose of providing him with a sibling. So I just have to deal with the occasional pangs of guilt but regularly remind myself that he has a really great life

I think you'd get more responses if you got this thread moved to Relationships or somewhere else. (Pregnancy choices is for women who are already pregnant and unsure whether to terminate or not.)

It sounds to me as if your husband pressured you to have a child in the first place and is now pressuring you to have another. It's your body, you've already been through pregnancy and childbirth once without really wanting to. I think you'd be mad to have another.

Your daughter will be absolutely fine as an only child.

Similar boat here, I went ahead and had a second - who is the darling of the family now. But I'd caution you that raising 2 kids is much much more work than 1. Apart from the difficulties of pregnancy, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, weight challenges - the sheer energy and mental strength needed is raise 2 is simply too much for me at times.

I'd say - don't.
Prioritise your health and stamina. You have one, that's enough.

Thanks for your response. I guess what scares me is that what if I realize that I made a wrong choice 10 years later.

I think the grass will possibly always look greener. Having had DC2 at 37 - I feel it was too late for me given my poor health and low stamina. I wish I had had both my kids in my 20s.
However I had my second because I really wanted another. My DH was against it - he thought it would be too much for my health and too late (in age). Took me 7 years after DC1 to even consider a second. But I did it more for myself than anyone else.

The only reason I've managed is because I was lucky to be able to continue my career part time (3days) and we have enough money to throw at all things that can be outsourced - cleaning, gardening, cooking etc. without a high earning DH I can't imagine how I would've coped.

Given you are late 30s it will be a long and difficult recovery from pregnancy and ongoing struggle with 2 kids in your 40s (which are not fun in the first place with peri menopause) If you are personally not keen - honestly, it's not worth compromising your health for the sake of your DH and DC1.

I wish someone had told me all this in my 20s so I could've made better decisions.

You might find it helpful to read some of the threads in the One-child families section.

Thank u so much to all the members who took out time to read through and share insights!

You could be me but I'm not married. 35 with pcos. One child 4.5. I'm a single parent and work 4 days a week. Ex isn't overly involved. No cousins for him.either. God forgive me but I don't enjoy alot of parenthood due to anxiety about his future being an only.

I also didn't release being child free was an option. I just didn't 🤐

Sorry I've killed the thread!