I don’t know whether to abort and can’t think straight

[SorrelWanderwr]

I’ve been all over the internet looking for answers and help and decided to post because I just can’t cope with this anymore. I guess there’s no point giving half the story so I’m going to explain it all. My head is a mess. Im sorry this isn’t very well expressed.

I am 11 weeks pregnant (unplanned) and will be 34 when I give birth. I’ve been in a relationship with the father for a year and a half, we were living together when it happened. He’s 40 and extremely career focused. I have an objectively ‘amazing’ career but I’ve always wanted kids. So much so that my relationships since my late 20s have been all about kids. I had an abortion at 5 weeks a while before I met my current DP, after being with a man for only a few months who said he wouldn’t support me. My mental health was ruined for a long time and I even tried to commit suicide and was taken to hospital more than once but I eventually came to terms with it and knew it was right at that time. However, the urge for a child just continued in full swing, worse than ever.

My DP is a decent man but he’s quite unusual. He’s very very career focused and it means we rarely do nice things, other than go out for dinner regularly. Trying to get him to go on holiday is almost impossible. He is very intelligent and often suspicious of people/cynical and can get quite down, although not depressed. Over time I’ve realised how different we are and I don’t see how the relationship can continue. He’s not very sociable but I am, I love my friends whereas I can’t remember the last time he saw a friend. Our sex life is good but very limited, he’s fine going without for months. In the first few weeks of my pregnancy he suggested abortion but then became supportive and said he didn’t want that. He made sure I was eating, stayed up with me in the night when I felt sick etc. as I’ve started to feel better, I’ve been out of the house more and chatting to colleagues and staff in cafe Nero etc and been reminded that I am still attractive and there are still men who want to flirt with me. I know that sounds so childish but…With him I don’t ever feel that way as he’s so closed and often serious. I’m not model material but part of my problem over the years is that I have been quite happy to lap up attention from men… and always knew I could meet someone else I guess. Though that won’t last forever.

I never wanted a family where I was apart from the father. He lives two hours from my family and my ‘base’ and so I feel even worse because of that. I would probably cope better if I was around them as it would lessen the gaps that I feel with DP. He’s often at work but when he’s not he does help and do housework etc. I do wonder if this is me again not being happy with what I have…wanting that fairytale etc, knowing another man round the corner would date me.

DP wants me to find a place with him for him to buy so we can live there. But along the way looking at places I feel daunted and sick and trapped. I feel like if I don’t go along with this then I am tearing up the family unit and have to have a termination. If I could not have his child I would definitely make that choice but I can’t bear the idea of a second termination. I desperately want a child. I’ve confided in a couple of people and they both said I would barely cope alone, not financially but in other respects. This has scared me. I always thought I would be ok and people just manage.

I also worry something might be wrong and how would I cope. I also don’t know if I would ever find anyone as a single mum. I wish I wasn’t pregnant but also can’t bear the idea of approaching 34, single (as the relationship would absolutely end if I terminated) and starting over, probably in more of a state than ever that I didn’t have a child. I just don’t know what to do. I am so desperately sad and worried about it all.

OP, you have the long-wanted chance to become a mother. You're not a young teenager, you have a career, friends and family. You don't have to hold onto the fantasy of a perfect nuclear family set up, not nowadays. Some of my happiest mum friends are single parents, they really are.

I think you seem be pinning a lot of your worth on being in a relationship with a man, and being attractive to other men (keeping an eye out for the "next thing"). I don't want to sound harsh, but you don't have to be with a man to be happy. You don't need to be in a fairytale perfect relationship to be a good parent. You can co-parent whilst retaining your own space, near your family for support and company.

If this is a wanted pregnancy and your partner is a good person, you can still be happy. Either staying together or separating, you can still have a baby if you accept that. Life isn't perfect, and waiting for it to be will just mean missing out on what you could have in the present. A "better" future isn't guaranteed.

Sorry you are feeling so down with it all, pregnancy hormones also make it hard to sometimes see the wood for the trees. Don't be so hard on yourself

You have always wanted to be a mother.
You can coparent. Perfectly valid choice. Better than attempting a relationship you're not happy with because of a preconceived ideal state. It'd most likely end in a split anyway and the change in circumstances would upset the child.
Look, if you coparent you have the support, the child has both parents, you are free to date, you might even see a different side to your baby's father once he's being a wonderful parent and fall in love, you might not. Keeping him as a friend and ally, him visiting the baby in your home when it's small, being there to learn the ropes on paternity leave alongside you, progresses to him taking the baby out or to his family when he can, it shares the responsibility whilst avoiding the acrimony.
It has worked for me. Set the boundaries but be adaptable as time moves on and you see how arrangements work in practice.

What about the fact that he would be two hours away? Is that a cruel thing to do to a child?

I’ve confided in a couple of people and they both said I would barely cope alone, not financially but in other respects. This has scared me. I always thought I would be ok and people just manage.

You would just manage though.

It is clear I think from this that you want this baby and you dont want to be a relationship with the father anymore.

Somehow I think in your head you have merged this too so that you cannot have one without the other. Even though not having the baby and staying with him and having the baby would both cause you huge psychological damage.

Dont move with him (I think you have posted about this multiple times) if he decides to do some come up with sensible co-parenting plan. If he doesnt want to fine you can do it on your own.

You can do this OP - move you your family. You will be enough

@Quartz2208 I am so scared though. I just wanted a happy family and he doesn’t make me happy. He is difficult and miserable and whilst he’s generally a decent man I just don’t want the relationship anymore. He has disappointed me so much.

You want to be a mum. There's nothing in your post that suggests you want to terminate. Why are you so against having the baby and splitting up with him? He can move nearer to you, there's no reason why he can't play a full and active part of the baby's life while not being in a relationship with you.

If you genuinely don't feel you could cope as a single mum, then you may feel termination is your only option. But if you think there's a way you could go it alone, and you want this baby, then you'll make it work. It might mean a lot of sacrifices and you might not have the same standard of living as you have now. Only you know the answer to that.

If you want to keep the baby but don't want to stay with him, that's fine. Its a perfectly valid option. Thousands of people co parent very successfully.
But don't move away from your support network. He could make it very difficult for you to move back again after the baby is born. He can come to you.

I desperately want a child. I’ve confided in a couple of people and they both said I would barely cope alone, not financially but in other respects. This has scared me. I always thought I would be ok and people just manage.

Pfft. Not very supportive of them! Of course you’d cope, unless you have other extremely limiting factors you’re not disclosing here. What are these “other factors”?

DP wants me to find a place with him for him to buy so we can live there. But along the way looking at places I feel daunted and sick and trapped. I feel like if I don’t go along with this then I am tearing up the family unit and have to have a termination.

You can have the baby without buying a place with your DP. To be blunt, you do not have a “family unit” at the moment and it sounds to me as if he wants to isolate you yet not support you in other ways if he is so career focused. Perhaps he doesn’t mean this intentionally but that’s the net effect of his actions.

Decide whether you want to have a child.

Then decide where you want to live if you have a child.

Then decide what to do about your partner.

There was another poster with a very career-orientated partner who was insisting on living somewhere that OP didn’t think would make her happy and my advice was the same to her. Take him out of the picture. What do you choose for yourself?

Oh please don’t stay with a difficult and miserable man!

Your child won’t know any different if that’s how it’s always been since they were a baby.

I'm just going to be blunt here OP. If you abort and end the relationship, by the time you meet someone else (who may not be ready for children) and are in a good place with them, it may be too late. Early menopause isn't that unusual. If you abort this baby you might not get another chance. I'm 31 and don't have kids and I've made the decision that I don't want to. I'm at peace with that. You don't sound like you are.

Can your mental health take the hit if you have another termination and then find you are unable to conceive again?

You sound like you desperately want this child so keep it. It doesn't matter if its father is hours away, it'll never know any different. It's not cruel at all.

Why can't he move closer to you? I'd keep your baby but get some relationship counselling because the power balance in your relationship doesn't seem fair.

@SorrelWanderwr it is ok to be scared. Take your moment to feel that.

And then take a deep breath.

You are not going to be a happy family. Staying with him isnt the answer. Your child is far more likely to bear the scars of their mother staying with a difficult miserable man than their mother deciding to make a life for herself and them

End the relationship. Move home to your base and your support and take it from there.

You can do this though because it is clear that you want to do it

You want to have the baby, and you want to break up with him. So do that.

Stop overcomplicating things. You know what needs to happen and you can do it. Is it ideal for a baby's father to live two hours away? No. But it's also fine and perfectly doable, and for every baby born into theoretically "ideal" circumstances there are probably at least 5 born into non-optimal ones who work out just fine. Plus, sounds like he could live in the same house and the baby would still barely see him.

Why do friends and family think you wouldn't cope?

@Notanotherwindow he says he can’t move because he has a great job where he is. He does have a great job but so do I and he could have moved with me into my home. Instead he wants me to relocate and commit to a life 100 miles from my family and I don’t think I can do that. I worry that knowingly having a baby when the relationship is such a mess is cruel. I guess it’s true that they wouldn’t know any different but is that fair. I don’t know. It’s not how I imagined this to be.

@Quartz2208 I want a baby but I read on another thread on Netmums that it was so selfish to have a baby for yourself. Which is what I would be doing. And what if I’ve damaged the baby by being so stressed. I’ve been so stressed that my stomach has actually hurt. What if I’ve caused something awful. I am so sad and feel so desperately alone.

It sounds like you need to be a bit more realistic and practical, life with a baby is not like a nappy advert, setting out in a long term commitment to a partner is rarely all fairytale but that does not make it bad or wrong just … real life.

He actually sounds like he is supportive and kind if quite wrapped up in himself!

There is no guarantee that any other man will be nicer, or that you would be better off near family, so that’s another thing to be more realistic about.

everything has pros and cons.

Not sure who is suggesting you won’t cope - why do they say that?

You’ve posted about this numerous times on mumsnet and it doesn’t sound like anyone’s advice or words are helping you. I think you should urgently reach out for some help in real life, ideally from a counsellor.

So? You do as well. I wouldn't be accepting that I'm afraid. I'd have the baby, refuse to move and then it's up to him if his job is more important than living with his child. Thousands of women are single parent, OP or their husbands work away. You were right the first time, they just manage. No-one has children for non selfish reasons. It'd be better for the planet if we didn't but we have them because we want them.

Not all happy families have 2 parents living together or 2 parents at all. If you are happy and your child is happy, you are a happy family.

My family is fucked up. They are. I have a young niece who is terminally ill and I currently have custody of my 2 youngest cousins as their mother is a drug addict and decided to treat the 6 year olds toothache by rubbing cocaine on her gums.

They see their mum once a week at contact and their father not at all but you know what? They're happy. They don't know much better, they've been with me on and off since they were toddlers so it's all they've ever really known. They take it in stride. Never still, always shrieking with laughter, every parents evening we get the same, would excel if she listened rather than giggled all lesson.

A family is what you make it. Doesn't have to be the Bradys. Hell it's got more in common with My Parents Are Aliens sometimes. Don't miss your chance at getting what you've always wanted because you're waiting for everything to be perfect.

Is he the surgeon?

I’ve never seen this posted before ? And I read MN all the time .
OP dosnt sound like you want an abortion to me .

Which is more important, being a mum or having the perfect life first? Your window to do the latter is decreasing and he doesn't sound great in either scenario.
Either go it alone or abort and keep looking.

This is at least the 4th thread. OP gets the same answers each time, then posts again.

Your relationship with this man isn't working so I think you should take him out of the equation.

The question now is do you want to be a single mum?

Maybe she just really wants some help but can’t ask anyone in real life. But at 11 will have to decide now