Advice :-(

[Bekind01]

I am really hoping for some kind words of wisdom; I am struggling. So thank you in advance to anyone that replies to me.

I am 34 and have two children (5 & 7) and I am divorced from their father after a very unhealthy marriage :-( My children are beautiful and I’m so so grateful. They are the absolute best.

I fell in love with a guy a couple of years ago who is a lovely person but I guess just has trouble setting down roots. He worked abroad for a bit but we always came back together briefly. My children have never met him as I never wanted to do that until it was properly serious. He hasn’t been dating anyone else of late and neither have I but he lives in London and I live in the countryside and I guess I believed one day we would be together properly. He has said the same. We have been on/off and I do try to move on as I don’t want to grow old alone but I guess I just haven’t found anyone yet that I have the same feelings for. The history between us is very complicated but the bond we have is loving and healthy, albeit not conventional.

Anyway, I have recently found out that I am pregnant. It’s very early and he is aware. I am terrified. I feel like my only choice is a termination otherwise my future life aka hopes of ever finding anyone will be ruined, but then equally I don’t want to lose this baby. I just can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t reach a decision.

My two children and I have a lovely home with plenty of room, I know we are lucky in that sense. But if I have another child, and he does not commit to me then will I be alone for the rest of my life? Is that a sacrifice I should make to save my baby? Or should I be thinking that this is very early and that I should override fate and try to find someone who wants to give me and my two little ones everything I know we deserve. I just can’t sleep or think clearly. Deep down, I want the baby. But is that just my motherly instinct? I also feel very pregnant already. Tummy pains and nausea etc :-(

I wish things were different, but they aren’t. If anyone out there has ever been in a similar situation please please help me :-(

Did he say anything when you told him? Like we should try living together or can I meet your children ? If he hasn't even met them it seems a challenge. He might be terrible with them. Or he might finally be ready.

I was in a very similar situation to you. I had the baby. The relationship with the father didn't work out and I'm now married to the man of my dreams who has brought up DD as if she were his own. He's also a wonderful step dad to my older two.

This has made me cry 😢 I am so happy for you. You have given me hope because I struggle to believe I will find anyone if I have 3 children; perhaps that’s part of the problem. I have been alone with my two for 5 years and it gets lonely. But I feel so sad that so many women desperately want a baby. And I would like lots of children. I dreamt about a big family when I was young. A lot of guilt about that too. I had a call today with a clinic and I had to just tell them I can’t imagine forcing a loss at the moment and I just need some time to think x thank you for replying

Yes, he made the 4 hour journey to come and see me that day. We spoke a lot and he was torn. He is 34 also and wants children and wonders if this would be his last chance to have a child. But he worries that starting our relationship formally in this situation would just doom it due to the pressure etc. He said he will support me no matter what. He has mentioned moving back if I keep the baby but I know he desperately never wanted to yet so feel he would resent me x

You don’t mention your financial situation, are you working? On benefits? I know it isn’t the done thing on mumsnet but for your other childrens sake I think you need to think about how you will afford another child/ continue your career( if you have one) .

when you say you need to find someone to give your two children everything they need can I suggest that you look in the mirror and realise that since you have already found two men who haven’t given you everything you need you might want to consider making more of an effort to provide for your children yourself.

Jeez, you really do get some heartless weirdos on here. I work, have a masters, and am financially secure. Thank you for your (useless) input.

I wouldn’t have posted but your comment about not finding someone ie a man to give you everything you deserve got my goat. Read it back to yourself, it makes you sound like a wimp. Have a nice day.

I think that comment sounded fine. It’s good to want that from a man. You don’t sound like you want an abortion at all though.

Why do you think you will be able to find someone with 2 children, but not with 3? I don’t think it would prevent the right person from coming into your life OP, if someone is happy to accept you with kids it won’t matter wether it’s 2 or 3. It’s sounds as though you want to keep the baby, more than you want a termination. Which is absolutely fine! Personally I would try and put this man and his plans, wants etc to one side and make this decision based on you and your family alone, if you want this baby and feel it will slot into your life, then go for it, but equally if you don’t want a child out of a relationship and to be tied to this guy forever, it is totally fine to abort too. It doesn’t mean you can’t try for another baby in the future. But I would base it around the idea that this guy won’t be involved because it doesn’t sound like he is likely to step up and be involved, so don’t worry about what he will feel. Good luck with your decision OP.

I don’t think the Op sounds like a wimp. I do think you sound pretty nasty though, this is the pregnancy choices board and the OP is making a very difficult decision, I think you are more suited to AIBU.

How do you guys cope with the nastiness on here? It’s soul destroying, no? When you come to a community designed to support other women with no judgement. I don’t believe any single mother is a ‘wimp’ as you so politely call it; I would just like my children to have a supportive and reliable father figure in their life. My ex husband I stayed with for 9 years and tried extremely hard to make it work but I had to leave and set up for myself to give my kids the best life. And they are very happy. I would really appreciate no nasty comments as I already feel fragile.

@BattenburgDonkey thank you for your kind response x

@BattenburgDonkey my parents were married for 30 years until my father passed. Of course I had that dream for my own children. A reliable family unit. I feel like I have been unlucky but out of it has come the most beautiful children. And we are so close, I really do feel like a very good Mum and I’m not afraid to say that cos I truly live for them. I guess I think 3 just makes such a big difference. And I worry that I should make the ‘sensible’ choice but I guess to me it just feels unnatural at this point. I’m sorry; I know I sound so confused but it’s because I am. Thank you for your message x

Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’ve fairly recently had a termination myself so I’m not trying to put you off. But I can’t see why termination is the ‘sensible’ choice, from what you’ve said you are already a good single mum who has room and is financially stable, I don’t think there is an irresponsible choice here. Obviously the family unit is the dream but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t allow yourself to keep your pregnancy if that’s what you want. Nobody knows what the future holds or if you will meet the right person, so you can only base this decision really on what’s right for you and your family now.

But also try and remind yourself that if you don’t want this pregnancy, you don’t need to justify it to yourself or anyone else, you don’t ‘owe’ this pregnancy anything. It’s a horrible position to be in. Have you tried talking to the councillors through Bpas or whichever clinic is near you?

@BattenburgDonkey that’s a very helpful response, thank you 😢 so I had a call today with BPAS as I have no idea what options are available as I have never had an unplanned pregnancy before. I told her from the beginning I would just appreciate information rather than arrange anything and she was lovely. She has booked me in for a counselling session next week. Ideally I wouldn’t wait that long but I’m very early so I think it will be worth doing and I have some time. I have also had my own counselling sessions but the general consensus there is it’s my decision and tbh she said very similar things to what you have said. I hope you are ok x

It sounds probable that should you have the baby your boyfriend won’t be reliable as a partner. He sounds flakey to say the least. Best case scenario seems to be that he’s better as a father and coparenting separately.

If, setting aside the pregnancy issue, you posted on MN about him you’d likely be advised to extract yourself, if you want a serious, long term relationship.

May be this man may turn out to be a wonderful dad ,but if you and him are not the right fit , you could end up being great friends anyway , families are made up of so many combinations there is no 'normal' now.
You have obviously succeeded as a single mom , you say you would like more children , no future relationship comes with a guarantee kids included or not.
If this were me and i could financially do it then i would keep my baby and plan it alone .
I hope you find clarity to make your decision .

@tsmainsqueeze I really do appreciate that message. I will keep reading your messages and am finding them the motivation that I needed so thank you.