please, please help with my decision. your opinions would be appreciated.

[watermelonwizard]

Hi All.

I am aware that only I can make this decision but I am so 50/50 that I would really value your opinions. What would you do if you were in my situation?

I have 2 kids. a 10 year old (previous relationship) and an 11 month old. I am 32, and very happily married.

Long story short, last week I found out that I am pregnant again (I thought we were tracking my cycle well enough-please no judgements) initial feeling is total stomach dropping, 'I don't want to be pregnant'...my life is just back on track.

I work at a University, and during my last mat leave, I secured a new and permanent position, and then had to tell them that I cannot start for another 7 months, so they had to hire a mat leave cover for me until I could start. I started a month ago and absolutely love the job. I work full time. The thought of having to tell them that I am pregnant again is horrific. I am overcome with guilt and embarrassment.

I have had 2 traumatic birth experiences and I know my family would be really concerned if I decided to proceed with the pregnancy. Husband's side would be over the moon.

I have booked to pick up the pills tomorrow for a medical abortion. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like my life is so easy and lovely, but feel like that is such a selfish excuse for a termination.

My husband is super supportive but I think he would prefer I didn't have the termination.

One day I am all for the termination, imagining the relief I will feel at no longer being pregnant. The next day I think that I cannot go through with it, and feel sick with guilt and I hate myself. I imagine keeping it and know that we would 'manage.' I even feel a teeny bit happy. I'm just not sure if I want to just 'manage.' or do I want to concentrate on my kids and my career :(

What would you do?

Thanks for reading.

I don't envy you making that decision

I think for me the ultimate decision would depend on whether your horror is mostly about the timing or at pregnancy full stop

If you had already decided that your family is complete and have no desire at all for a further child then I would go ahead with the abortion

If you are open to having further children and it is more the timing that is the problem then i can see it is a much tougher decision and I think you might regret going ahead with an abortion in those circumstances. You won't be the first or last woman to take 2 maternity leaves in quick succession so I'm sure your career will get back on track eventually.

I was in the same position as you last week, I guess our reasons felt frivolous in a way. I had just started a brand new job, I am not a good pregnant person so would more than likely be useless for that period of time. Have 2 wonderful children, life feels like it’s getting easier, and we were agreed on 2 children. I was swayed to keeping the baby at times and I know people manage with 3 or more or even exceed managing. I feel lucky to have 2 healthy children and be able to provide them lots of opportunities. I said to my partner that if we had a single child it would be very different, but ultimately I proceeded with the termination. Once I took the first pill I felt at peace with my decision.

I hope you’re okay. Thank you for replying. Can I ask was the abortion awful (as a medical procedure) ? You’ve made the right decision for you and your family. I know whichever way I decide will be right for me also. I just don’t know what that decision is yet. X

@StopFeckingFaffing thanks so much for your reply. You’re right in that I won’t be a rare case in taking 2 mat leaves in quick succession , and in the long term it isn’t for that long over your whole career.

a bit of my horror is the pregnancy , especially as it’s so soon. I feel awful that last time I was overjoyed and couldn’t wait to tell people, whereas this time I will dread it, and some days even hope for a natural miscarriage so that the decision is out of my hands (God forgive me- I know that’s a terrible thing to say)

I just know that we could provide this baby with a lovely life like my other 2 children. Totally torn. Thanks again for taking the time to talk to me.

I would only say that if you feel sick to the stomach of having an abortion, you're clearly not 100% on it. There's no changing your mind. And if 5 years down the line you decided to have a 3rd baby, and for whatever reason, god forbid, couldn't, I think you would find that very very hard.

Work is work. Sadly everyone is replaceable however amazing we think we are at our jobs. You only live once. You have to make the decision you can live with.

I had two traumatic births also. For me that alone would be reason not to have a 3rd - but for me that's because a 3rd could kill me. Would a 3rd be dangerous for you?

Do you have to take pills or is it an operation? I have had an operation to remove a baby I miscarried. Mentally it was horrific, but physically I was ok within a couple of days.

It sounds like you're making the best decision for you op, which is what matters. The reasons you've given are not selfish at all so please don't beat yourself up.

A couple of my friends have had the medical pill terminations with no complications, although one took longer than the other to complete. Neither have regretted it. One has always wanted to be a mum but the circumstances were wrong.

We're so conditioned to sacrifice to putting children first, but in reality having a baby is about more than the quality of life you can give it, it's about you too.

Btw if you change your mind before completing the treatment, don't panic, talk to the docs, it's not unusual to do so and things can be ok.

If your choice is not to continue with the pregnancy, then you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about

@CoastalWave im sorry to hear that you’ve been through such horrible times. No, a 3rd pregnancy wouldn’t be a threat to my life, and you’re so right in that everyone is replaceable at work. Thank you for your input. X

I think if you can't choose one way or the other, then I would go with having the baby. Because it sounds like you would struggle with dealing with the aftermath of an abortion. Timing might not be great, but it isn't dire. The impact on your health is the one thing I think would sway me, when you say difficult pregnancies were they life threatening?

It's a really difficult decision. Could you maybe think about how you would feel if you the deciding was taken away from you if you miscarried? Is your gut reaction relief or sadness?

Try not to be influenced by what others (work, family, etc) would think. It's your body and your life and you have the right to do what's best for you.

@emmaluggs I forgot to tag you in this comment, I hope you’re okay. Thank you for replying. Can I ask was the abortion awful (as a medical procedure) ? You’ve made the right decision for you and your family. I know whichever way I decide will be right for me also. I just don’t know what that decision is yet. X

@ClaryFairchild I don’t believe them to have been life threatening. I had pre eclampsia with my first, an assisted delivery and a retained placenta. He was only 4lb 10 born too. Second pregnancy was lovely, she just got stuck and I needed to be assisted again and again my placenta got stuck. Both times I’ve had to sign the emergency c sec form and got away with it.

@Kat1953 thank you so much for your kind words , really appreciated. X

@VioletCharlotte I think initially relief. But also sadness . Thank you I will try to eliminate the thoughts of work/family , you’re right. X

It was ok, I took the first pill Thursday last week after work, and took the 2nd lot after work on the Friday. I set up camp in the bedroom and waited it out started bleeding about 3 hrs in. Was reasonably heavy for 2 days, pain wasn’t any more than strong period pains. I was just 6 weeks so still pretty early. Happy to answer an specific questions but it overal was straight forward

you are right such a personal decision. Take care of yourself.

Something else to remember, op, is that not all decisions are happy ones. Its perfectly OK to continue to terminate if you feel its the right decision and still feel sad about it. Grief is natural.

Likewise, if you were to choose to go ahead with pregnancy, it's ok to feel sad about what you're giving up or to have conflicted feelings.

I'm really pleased your husband is so supportive, and so I think if you trust your instinct - whatever it is - you'll be ok.

I don't think you said how far along you are, but I'm assuming you still have time to make an unpressured decision. In which case, if you need more time, have a chat with the abortion providers- appointments are really hard to get at the moment, but they won't pressure you into going ahead tomorrow at all so if you need more time to decide, that's OK, you can postpone. Just ask what availability is going forward and look to rebook if you need to.

I felt more sure about an abortion today, have discussed this with my husband and he is absolutely distraught at the thought. Ultimately he wants me to be happy but he said he 100% wants us to keep it and that we can make it work. He understands that the burden is on me in terms of my life and my body. So now I am more unsure than ever. I feel heartbroken.

That’s a shame . I don’t think men realise how hard pregnancy and childbirth really is . I mean if your last two were traumatic I thought he’d be more understanding? What would he do if something happened to you during the birth ?
I was going to say your reasons don’t sound selfish at all and and a women can have any abortion for any reason. I had one for a lot less tbh . X

Ahhh I feel for you OP.

I have not been in this position personally but my thoughts are that you should not concern yourself with how your workplace will take the news of your pregnancy. It doesn't matter! The job is yours now and will still be there if you do decide to take another maternity leave.

I also wouldn't even consider family's thoughts. This is for you and your husband to decide.

In terms of difficult births, could you opt for an elective c section if you went ahead?

I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace. Best wishes

if you continued the pregnancy would it be an option for your family for you to return to work relatively quickly and your husband to take paternity leave to be the home spouse while your baby is young? It’s much easier To be 100% when you aren’t the one sacrificing.

I have 2 children, had an accisental pregnancy a couple of years ago. I was booked for an abortion but I was relieved to miscarry naturally. I had a previous abortion as a teenager - it was not too difficult physically.

I would have quite liked a 3rd child, but could not have gone through pregnancy and birth a third time.

It's OK to end this pregnancy. You didn't plan it and it doesn't sound like you want it. All your reasons for continuing are for other people, not for you.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I had a very in depth chat with my mum and my husband last night. I cancelled my appointment this morning, and feel as though a cloud has been lifted!

feel as though a cloud has been lifted!

That's great, op, I'm so pleased for you :)