Terminated pregnancy due to anxiety/prenatal depression

[Lauz37]

Hi,
So this is my first post on here and was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer advice?
I've recently terminated my fourth pregnancy at 9 weeks. Pregnancy was unplanned and due to a contraception failure... at first myself and husband were 100% going to keep the baby. We have 2 dd already, 6 and 17. Our ds is 13. Two oldest are on the autistic spectrum and oldest has mental health problems, self harms and recently had anorexia. My husband and I have no family support and life can be a struggle at times. Especially over the last few years trying to support our oldest 2. Started to feel that life has improved a little lately. I work 2 jobs and he works full time.
A week after I found out about the pregnancy I tested positive for covid and spent the next 2 weeks in bed very unwell.
I already struggle with anxiety (take meds) and started to worry about how we would cope and the effect of another baby on our existing 3 children.
I then started to consider a termination and booked the appointment just incase. (Now wishing I hadn't even considered this as an option).
I had a midwife appointment, which I burst into tears at and told her how overwhelmed I was feeling with it all. She even said I don't have to continue the pregnancy if I feel I can't... which I replied I don't want to make a rash decision when been unwell with covid. I really struggle with anxiety/depression in pregnancy. It puts a real toll on me mentally and physically .
Appointment day came at the abortion clinic.... I was hoping my husband would suggest we didn't go but he had now decided that it was best for our family not to have the baby. Although he said he would support me if I decide to keep it. I had my ultrasound and I desperately wanted to ask if I could see the screen and if everything was OK..... I didn't. I was secretly hoping that I was too far along and the choice would be taken away.
I was 9 weeks and 2 days... I could go ahead with medical termination. I went to toilet and cried... waiting to go In to collect the tablets. The nurse called me in.... told me how to take the tablets.... acted like it's nothing....no big deal. Why didn't I just walk out without them??!!
I then went home... spent the next 2 days barely sleeping/crying wondering what I should do. Running out of time and becoming more desperate for a clear answer.
Constantly asking my husband what I should do!? And getting told If I keep the baby we can work it out but he doesn't think it's the right decision for our family as our existing kids need us.
I then decide I must put our 3 kids first..
I take the first tablet... that night I cry myself to sleep... I spend the next day crying. I call the EPU and tell them I've taken the 1st tablet and Don't want to continue with the termination... . please help me. They book me for a scan but 5 days later and tell me call back if start to bleed. I wish i had thrown away the rest of the tablets. I feel relieved that there's still a chance my baby might be OK.
That night my eldest daughter is struggling with her mental health, she's self harmed and hearing voices.
That moment I decide I have to continue with the termination....I need to be there for her.
The next day I complete the termination and pass the pregnancy..
I'm absolutely heartbroken. I feel like nothing will ever be the same again. I can't even look at my children as I feel like I'm evil. I long to be still pregnant and hate myself for not being stronger and protecting my unborn child. Giving them the chance of life and making it work. Please can anyone help me? I don't know what to do. I even cant stop thinking about killing myself but I wouldn't do it as won't leave my children. I feel like there's no point to life anymore and cant stop thinking about the fourth child I should have had and will never get to meet.

[Unsureaboutit9]

You arnt evil, and you have done nothing wrong. You put your children first and it sounds like you did the right thing, with such a big gap and all the difficulties you already face it wouldn’t have been incredibly difficult for all of you bringing a baby into the house. Now you can be present and available to help your eldest.

Termination is such a difficult thing to go through though, and the hormones don’t help! Please contact the abortion service you used and ask for the counselling or make a GP appointment to seek help. And try to go easy on yourself OP, it was an impossible decision to make, there was no right choice, but putting your children first is nothing to be ashamed of

[whenwilliwillibefamous]

You've just ended up in a no-win situation OP, please don't feel bad about it. There was no right decision or easy way out here. Sometimes there isn't. Life can be very hard and unfair.

[Lauz37]

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate your kindness, even though i do feel like i deserve it right now.
The EPU nurse rang me today as i was so upset when i called them to cancel all my midwife appointments just to check in. Im going to call for counselling when the kids are back in school and GP as ive barely slept since.
Just wish i had been stronger and hadnt let anxiety get in the way. Now its over i just cant stop thinking it would have worked out some how. My kids are my world. Has anyone been through a termination and regrers get easier with time??

[Lauz37]

Dont feel like i deserve kindness it was meant to say.

[Whattodo12349]

So sorry you’re feeling like this. I had a similar-ish experience recently. Couldn’t make up my mind which way to go, took the first tablet, called the clinic in tears because I’d changed my mind, but I started bleeding the next day anyway so continued. I felt awful for weeks. I’d read about the hormone dip but this went on for five to six weeks or so. I kept track of how pregnant I’d be in my mind. I thought about being pregnant all the time. I came up with solutions for all the problems I’d foreseen with keeping it. I cried every night when the kids went to bed.

I called my GP and got some anti depressants and on the waiting list for counselling. It’s been three weeks or so now and I feel much better. I can think much more rationally. I know it was the best thing for my existing children.

Call your GP, they will be able to help you whether it’s with medication or counselling. It does get better.

[Lauz37]

Thank you for your message. Sorry you've been through this too. I am exactly the same, i now have solutions in my mind for all the problems that seemed so great at the time. Am also driving myself mad googling the next stage of pregnancy etc although ill never be there! Am pleased to hear things are getting better for you. This gives me hope that one day i might get through the day without crying and thinking of nothing else.

[Ivemessedup22]

Hiya. I put another thread on here as I’m struggling too after abortion, but I’ve had more than one in different circumstances. But I totally understand your feelings. I to think of all the reasons I chose to abort then after found solutions to all of those reasons. I think the crying etc is down to hormones and that will settle down in time . I to already had children when I terminated. My older daughter has mental health problems and self harmed , and in the past was violent to me . So even though I do regret the abortions , at the time it seemed the better option . Whilst I believe a women should be able to terminate for ANY reason , I think it sounds like you made a good decision and you should t feel bad. I’m on anti depressants now and they do help. If you read my thread from earlier everyone was really nice to me and gave lots of good advice you might like to read x

[Baahumbugg]

Yes I struggled with depression but only in pregnancy and terminated my first due to this, it was awful and sent me into a deep depression for a few months. You are in shock I imagine but it will get easier although it doesn't feel like it right now.
I remember that feeling too of not being able to think of anything else, I couldn't even read a book or watch TV which sounds silly but it's how I felt. Look after yourself xx

[Lauz37]

Thank you for your replies. Ivemessedup22 i cant find your previous thread. Is there a way you can send me a link to it?
I think as a woman this is the hardest and most unnatural thing i have ever been through. Im back to work today and just hoping i can make it through the day.

[Ivemessedup22]

I will try and send it you x hope you get through the day ok sorry your finding it so tough at the moment x

[Sorry1982]

@Lauz37
how are you feeling now OP? Abit better I hope ? X

[Aliceforgot]

Sending you hugs OP. You obviously had a gut instinct that you needed to protect your existing children by not having another child, and your own and your daughter's mental health are the priority. You are a good mum, and not evil - you made the choice out of love for your existing family. Four kids is a lot to cope with with little support. FWIW I would have done the same in your situation. Be kind to yourself.

[Notwithittoday]

Oh I don’t think you had much choice here. You’re certainly not evil. You’re in very dire circumstances. I had a pregnancy scare last year and also have three others but only one atm seems to have additional needs and I was absolutely devastated at the thought of another. I just about manage what we’ve got. You must must forgive yourself this and seeing as your husband was so keen on termination he needs to seriously look at the snip because it’s unfair to put you in this position. As I say please forgive yourself. What you’ve done is far better than having four children that are not going to get what they need. Lots of love to you

[Lauz37]

@Sorry1982 I'm still not great. Just getting on with work/kids because I have to but feeling really down still. Completely regret my decision now and now I'm thinking rationally and pregnancy hormones have gone I don't understand why I made the decision i did. The decision was made in a rush based on fear and anxiety.
Just feel sad that my chance had now gone as I turn into a crazy lady in pregnancy who's negative brain takes over.

[AuthorAccount]

OP, don’t forget that the antenatal depression you were feeling won’t just go away. You need to get treated. You can’t process this objectively in your current mindset. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think your circumstances and mental health gave you any choice.

[AuthorAccount]

Retrospect is a wonderful thing. You are no longer the woman you were when you made that choice because things have changed. But give yourself enough credit to trust her and the decision she made in the thick of it.

[Lauz37]

Thank you All for your kind and wise words.
I am taking antidepressants already and have accessed counselling. Have had 2 sessions already and plan to continue. I don't feel like it's helped so far but I know it will take time.

[Fuzzyhippo]

I terminated my second pregnancy due to severe depression, I was 17 weeks and it was a medical so it was horrible. It was a much wanted baby but my family said I wouldn't cope so I did what was best for them rather than what was best for me. 2 years on I'm still traumatised

[Lauz37]

@Fuzzyhippo I'm so sorry to hear that. Depression is so hard, completely takes away the ability to think clearly. 😔
I think as mothers we automatically put others first which means we don't always choose what's best for us. Have you been able to access any counselling?

[peonyponies]

That is such a traumatic thing for you to have gone through OP, but it really sounds like you absolutely made the right decision for your family.XXX

[Lauz37]

@peonyponies thank you.
I think what made it harder is ever since I had my 3rd child (almost 7). I felt like I would love another baby but circumstances meant I felt it was not an option. Plus husband has always been against any more. Absolutely love my 3 but life can be challenging at times. It's been 5 weeks now and can't help but still feel so much regret and sadness. Just getting on the best I can and hoping time will heal. Xxx

[Mrsbrooks1]

@Fuzzyhippo

I terminated my second pregnancy due to severe depression, I was 17 weeks and it was a medical so it was horrible. It was a much wanted baby but my family said I wouldn't cope so I did what was best for them rather than what was best for me. 2 years on I'm still traumatised

That’s so sad @Fuzzyhippo 💐. Do you have any children or had any pregnancies since? I too struggle with some depression etc and being pregnant is a stressful and worrying time

[Fuzzyhippo]

@Mrsbrooks1

That’s so sad @Fuzzyhippo 💐. Do you have any children or had any pregnancies since? I too struggle with some depression etc and being pregnant is a stressful and worrying time

I'm actually pregnant now, early days but I'm figuring out how it'll work out since I'm still living with the family who pressured me last time. I don't have any plans to tell them any time soon, but I've been with my partner for 6 years and we're trying to find a way for me to live with him, but won't likely be before baby is here. I just know I couldn't terminate again. I'm going to try my best to make it work. I never had counselling for the last one so the pain and resentment is still very much there