I can’t forgive myself for abortion 14 years ago

[Sophie9090]

I had an abortion when I was 18 years old, I wanted the baby but the dad didn’t at all, and I was terrified of being a young single mum. However I had that most supportive family that would have helped with everything.

I literally think about the abortion every day. I cannot get over it, I regret it so much, I absolutely hate myself for it. I didn’t actually think I would go through with the abortion. I then struggled to get pregnant when I was ready, then I finally gave birth to my beautiful boy recently and the guilt is even harder now, I feel guilty for not giving the baby a chance like my son.

I just can’t believe I killed my baby, I can’t actually get my head round it, I took a pill and it killed my innocent baby.

I know it was a tiny baby but it was still living, had a life ahead of it. I think people think oh well it’s not the right time and because the baby is small it’s like it’s not worthy. But when I was pregnant with my son, I remember falling in love with him when he was the size of a seed, when he was 12 weeks I cried so much during his scan because I could see him moving around, I adored him, but 14 years ago I had a baby the same age inside me and I just killed it? I can’t get over it. I wish I had seen the baby and realised I was actually killing a baby.

I wish I hadn’t listened to anyone telling me abortion was the right thing. I don’t agree with abortion, I don’t and I can’t move forward thinking well it wasn’t the right time and it’s my body my choice, because I was responsible for protecting that baby and my needs were no longer priority.

How can I move forward, not to forget but to heal in some way? Is this really possible?

I can hear your deep pain. I don't think it's deserved at all. But you sound so distressed that I think a counsellor should be involved.

I think we all have regrets, but the thing is we don't know how the alternative choice would have played out. You might have really struggled and regretted your choice either way. You might have lost the pregnancy and not had the baby anyway. Certainly you wouldn't have the son that you have now, that you love so much. That's one way to think of it.

I'm so sorry. I can hear your pain

I think having a baby after your abortion has amplified these feelings. I would second getting counselling.

Please take care of yourself. Remember you did the right thing at the time.

I had a termination 2 years ago at 17 weeks and it has destroyed my life. I have cried daily since without fail with absolutely no one around to support me. My nan actually drove me 300 miles to have it done as it was the only clinic in the country that does late term medicals as there was no way I was having surgical. She wanted it done because having a baby wasn't convenient for her as I lived at my grandparents and still do. It's ruined any kind of relationship I've had with everyone, I'm constantly angry and suffer from aggressive behaviour. I've gone 2 years without talking about it or seeking help, and I honestly don't know how I've coped that long without it, as I'm not a strong person mentally. My grandparents own woodland so my boy was buried down there and I placed a little bird bath where he is and I like to think he can watch the birds flying around him. It's only been 2 years and I don't know how much longer I can live like this. So I understand how you feel it's absolutely heart wrenching especially as everyone I went to school with are having babies left right and center and in settled relationships. It's a resentment I'll always hold against myself

I'm so sorry to read of anyone suffering in this way . Please contact your service provider - BPAS/ MSI / NUPAS whoever and ask for some post Abortion counselling . It really doesn't matter how long ago it was .

Please don't do this to yourself girls .. 💐

I've been in the same position. 2 years ago for me. I think not enough people look into adoption. Also if people had the chance to see their baby on the screen I think the abortion rate would be a lot less.

@cttd1

I've been in the same position. 2 years ago for me. I think not enough people look into adoption. Also if people had the chance to see their baby on the screen I think the abortion rate would be a lot less.

That's so true, I asked about adoption and the lady at bpas looked at me with disgust and strongly advised against it as the process for it in the UK was complicated. But I feel that would've been the best option for me, even now I wouldn't know where to start. Even the gp said it was an unusual suggestion, no idea why

You were so, so young. You should definitely forgive yourself, if not for your own sake, for the sake of your baby ds. That's how you move forwards, by doing your absolute best for him. And remembering that you were basically a child yourself.

So sorry OP, you sound in so much pain and I wish for you that with each passing day the pain will lessen and and you learn to forgive yourself. sending you

I know this post is very old but hoping someone sees this who needs it.. please please look for your local crisis pregnancy centre, these centres are there to support women in working through the emotional effects of baby loss and abortion.
Emotions and areas such as grief, anger, shame,guilt, forgiveness and hope for the future are worked through and help with moving out of the tangle of those emotions and help heal.. they are ushally totally free of charge with trained staff and genuinely care and want to support in such a hard time.. pregnancy crisis helpline should be able to help you find your nearest centre or Google local crisis pregnancy centre.. sending you so much love as I genuinely understand your pain and hurt xxxxx