Do I let him know - I'm so unsure myself

[Loijki]

One night stand with a colleague.. I know I know... now I've realised I'm pregnant.

Head is a mess, need someone to talk to

Snap.. years ago.. I lied to him and said it wasn’t his. The reason I did is that year before had been seeing a married colleague and fell pregnant and told him and he said i was ruining his life and I had to get rid.. I did and I regretted it big time and the yearn and want for a baby was massive afterwards. So I lied to this colleague because I didn’t want to be in the same situation where I wasn’t mentally in control. My DC is an almost teen and I don’t regret lying to him.

This colleague has been in a relationship with his partner for 12 years, they have 2 kids. I didn't know that at the time.

I'm still married with 2 kids too.... except we are going through a separation, it's a bit complicated as part of me holds out hope. But they'll be no hope if he finds out I'm pregnant with someone else's kid.

This sounds hard, and seems like there's a lot going on in your life at the moment. Easier said than done I know, but I think in your shoes I would terminate without telling him. Whatever you choose, put yourself and your children first

Talk to a counsellor. They will be neutral and help you sort out your feelings and look at your options. 💐

I had a one night back in June 2021. For different health reasons, the pregnancy wasn't discovered until I was 18 weeks gone. I didn't tell the man involved as I had still planned to terminate but I couldn't go through with it. Reality is I had only 17 weeks to accept and prepare for the baby as he was born early due to my hypertension. I also have 2 older kids in their teens.

My son is now a year old and I want to contact his dad to let him know that he's here but that im not pursuing contact or financial help unless he wants to be actively involved. I don't know how to break this life changing news. Should I text him informally and offer to meet (assuming that he's still single/interested in meeting) and if not just explain in a message?

I'm so stressed by this whole situation, I'm ill. People might ask why tell him at all, I just think it's the morally right thing do, despite it being late. Any advice would be appreciated 🙏

I think this is a difficult situation indeed.
Telling him might alienate him but you may also find the opposite effect.

Have you spoken to any friends or family?

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant and I'm terminating the pregnancy on weds.
My friends and family have been invaluable with advice and support. Either way they would have supported me.

I'm in a position where the baby daddy is unhinged and I don't feel it's safe for me to tell him. Mix that with being really ill with the pregnancy so far (the NHS have been horrific with help) and my dad being really ill, it's really made me realise it's not the right time for me.

I've spent a lot of time weighing up the pros and cons, but like I said, I've had a lot of support from friends and family.

It's ok to feel conflicted and it's ok to terminate or keep it.
Ultimately, you have time to make a decision and time to think.
If you have the chance, maybe take yourself away for the weekend and clear your head a little.

Also to add, I've been seeing a guy since last year (no relationship or anything, just whenever we're both free), hes pretty amazing.

When I found out I'm pregnant, I figured I'd just screwed everything up.

I told him what had happened and he was really quite supportive with me. I apologised for potentially hurting his feelings and he said we weren't exclusive so it wasn't a big deal.
He did however put the breaks on anything continuing further down the line, initially because I told him I wanted to keep it. I expected this and understand it completely.

We'd made plans for trips and fun later this year and it really threw him. He's going through a messy divorce and the time we've spent together has been relaxed and easy going. So I think he felt a bit sad about potentially losing that with me.

When I told him I'd changed my mind, he's been making sure that I feel like I'm making the right choice and has been keeping his thoughts and feelings out of it all, but just being there for me (I actually told him I don't know why he's so nice to me).

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to explain is that, although I thought the worst, the worst hasn't actually happened.

I guess there's no harm in telling someone, if you expect the worst but the worst doesn't happen, then you're onto a winner!

As I mentioned above, I told someone who I've been involved with, about the situation, mostly because I didn't want them to be blindsided if I kept the baby.
And the response has been the opposite of what I expected.

Your sons dad doesn't know at present, but what is the worst that can happen if you tell him?

Think about it logically.

If he says "no thankyou", what have you lost? You'll still have your same routine and your son will be loved all the same.
Nothing changes.

If he says "yes please", you've gained additional support. Either way the outcome is not going to be bad.

What I would say is, the way you approach it is key.

If you met up with your son, that may send him in the opposite direction.

However, maybe just informing him first and explaining your reasons as to why you didn't tell him... I.e you were going to terminate and then couldn't face the thought, and you were worried about his reaction.
I expect he'll likely be in shock and need time to decompress, but that gives him time to think.

Either way, if you feel you want to tell him, don't feel so anxious. Either way nothing changes or he gains a dad. Both outcomes aren't bad.

So, I went ahead and managed to send him a message and he responded straight away. He wasn't angry, so a good start I think :)

Thanks for your advice, it helped a lot

Thats great! Are you feeling a little less anxious and a little more relieved now?

I feel a mixture to be honest, but relief is definitely part of it all. I just hope we can have a positive outcome and even some genuine happiness and be all about the baby x