Panicking about second pregnancy/child

[Pppanic]

I thought I was one and done. DD has just turned seven. I’m 41. Now I’m pregnant again and it’s thrown both DH and me into a complete panic. I feel an overwhelming sense of… dread. I can't feel happy about it at all.

Last time round, the pregnancy itself wasn't too bad. It was the birth and the early years that were extremely challenging. I put a lot of pressure on myself. DD was a terrible sleeper (still isn’t great, to be honest) and I found the constant sleep deprivation really hard to cope with. The relentless drudgery of nappies and feeding. The lack of personal space. The hormonal changes and the toll it all took on my body. The breastfeeding, which I enjoyed overall, but which also felt like a burden. I put on a lot of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to muster the energy to eat well and exercise and lose enough to feel like myself again. The tedious baby classes. Structuring our days around naps. All the extra life admin. Finding a nursery (we live somewhere where it’s really difficult to get a place). In the early days, I often found myself thinking ‘Why the fuck did we do this?’ Obviously there were also good bits, but it was HARD, and didn't come naturally at all.

Now it feels like we’re in a completely different stage. DD is fun to be around; she’s interesting and funny and affectionate. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again. I have time to myself. DH has time to himself. DD entertains herself for long periods and seems perfectly content as an only child. Family holidays and days out are actually enjoyable now. Just the thought of setting ourselves back nearly eight years and having to go through all that again seems absolutely mad. I feel too old for that crap.

But we’re not sure we can face having an abortion, either. We can afford another child. We have secure jobs with generous parental leave allowances. We have the space. I know we would love the baby and find a way to cope. And then there’s the fact that this pregnancy wasn’t entirely accidental. I let DH talk me into ‘letting fate decide’ a few times, thinking I was probably too old anyway and I’d probably be OK with it if it did happen. Well, turns out I’m not. [DH is now also a ball of anxiety, saying he hadn't thought it through and didn’t realise how overwhelming it would feel.] Part of me feels that we should have to live with the consequences of our ill-thought-out actions. And I know that, although we would feel relief at first if I had an abortion, there would also be huge sadness, and perhaps shame, and thoughts of ‘what if’, probably for many years to come.

I have been known to freak out when faced with big life changes, so maybe this is partly only me going through the process of getting my head in the right place. I did this when I got pregnant the first time round too, to a lesser extent. But then again, I also think we have very valid reasons for not wanting another child. DH and I have been discussing it and keep going round in circles.

I know this is not a decision anyone else can take for us, but I needed to write it all down. Any thoughts or pearls of wisdom would be much appreciated!

I'm sorry you're in this boat, it's not easy. But read your post back, then read it again.

You sound like you are really happy and sorted as you are, which is great. You also don't sound like you massively enjoyed the baby/toddler years (I'm with you on that and I'm right in the middle of it in my early 40s - it's no picnic) and it doesn't sound like your DD is looking for a sibling.

Also, I don't think viewing a new baby as something you would have to 'live with' because it's the consequence of unprotected sex is the ideal mindset for continuing a pregnancy. If you were saying 'oh well, wasn't what we planned but I'm sure it'll be fine!' that would be different, but you pretty clearly don't want this baby but feel like you 'should' have it.

In your position I would probably have an abortion and make sure my contraception was sorted going forward. You don't need to feel guilty, these things happen, but I do understand how you feel.

There is nothing wrong with no wanting another child. I wouldn't have either at your age. If it were me, I would also be very concerned about having a child with significant disabilities, which would massively impact everything, especially your existing child. Don't feel guilty in the slightest for ending a pregnancy that you don't want.

Thanks!

What worries me is that I had similar feelings when I found out I was pregnant with DD -- in a much more abstract way, because I didn't know what having a baby actually involved. And then she bought such enormous joy and love into our lives, despite it being so much harder than we could have imagined. I guess I didn't massively enjoy the baby and toddler stage overall, but I enjoyed parts of it. It was a roller coaster.

In my head, I do think 'it wasn't what we planned but I'm sure it'll be fine!', but that's definitely not where my feelings are...

I guess I'm worried that all this stuff is my anxiety speaking, and that, if we were to have an abortion, we would feel immense regret afterwards and not be able to forgive ourselves.

Hi OP. I’m in a similar position although I’m on my own and father from brief relationship doesn’t want to be involved and ended contact. I did want another baby (I have one 4 year old) but not on my own. I’m 42. Terrified. Yet can’t bring myself to end it. Never been so anxious or down in all my life as I just don’t want to make the wrong choice. It’s so hard. I feel for you. They are hard work but bring so much joy too. Have you tried a pros and cons list?

It's such a dilemma. I feel for you too.

I've tried the pros and cons list. The problem is that the pros of having a baby are so abstract ('we would love him/her', 'seeing a little person grow up') while the cons are so mundane ('nappies', 'no sleep', 'baby stuff everywhere'). How can you weigh them up against each other?

I thought I'd update the thread in case it helps anyone else. I had the termination earlier this week. I felt huge relief at first. Then I had a big wobble thinking about how much love we would have felt for this child. I still feel that, at a fundamental level, I don't want another baby (we definitely won't be trying again!), but I do have moments of sadness. I also worry that my life will feel empty or lonely when I'm older, and that my thoughts will keep coming back to this decision if and when it does. Overall, I feel it was probably the right decision, but obviously I deeply regret how stupidly we went about things.

One funny/interesting thing is how differently DH and I are processing our negative feelings. DH feels we should 'do penance' by volunteering with refugees or starting a charity or something. (I don't think he will do this. DH is a deeply impractical person.) Whereas I kind of feel the opposite -- we should treat ourselves to an extravagant holiday, start new hobbies, redecorate our home, live a little more; basically embrace and appreciate the freedom we didn't quite realise we had.

I'll try to update again in a few months, once my feelings have settled.

I promised to update this thread, so here goes, just on the off chance anyone finds it helpful.

For the most part I’m happy with my decision. I occasionally feel wistful for what could have been, most often when I see a cute baby or toddler or chat with a pregnant friend. But these feelings aren’t strongly tied to the pregnancy I terminated; they’re more about having a second child in general. They usually pass very quickly. If anything, I’m now more certain than ever that I don’t want any more children. DH is booked in for a vasectomy – we decided to wait until after the due date (which would have been about a week ago) in case that triggered a change of heart in either of us. So far it hasn’t.

I also have moments when I feel slightly… proud of myself for the decision I made. I have a tendency to drift through life, to go with the flow. This time I made a very active choice about the kind of future I want for myself. That feels empowering in a way, even though I don’t feel proud of having got myself into the situation in the first place.

For me, the termination was a difficult thing to go through, both physically and emotionally. I grieved for several months afterwards. I know others feel nothing but relief (and more power to them), but that wasn’t my experience. If you do decide to have a termination and feel grief afterwards, be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Feeling sad does not mean you made the wrong decision.

If I had chosen to continue with the pregnancy, I think I would ultimately have learned to be happy with that decision, too. So there probably wasn’t a right or wrong answer for me. It was a clear crossroads moment, that’s for sure. I don’t have many of those in my life – most of my decisions feel reassuringly reversible or inconsequential.

Perhaps others will also find comfort in the thought that, when faced with a huge decision that will completely change the trajectory of your life, each course of action will have a number of consequences, both good and bad. You don’t have a crystal ball. Thinking in terms of ‘the right choice’ or ‘the wrong choice’ is simplistic and not necessarily the most helpful framing. (If you find that thought reassuring, I recommend The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.)

A word of warning to anyone tempted to start a thread on this board: you may get PMs trying to gently nudge you towards continuing with the pregnancy. I’m sure these are well-meaning and come from a place of genuine moral feelings that I don’t share but do respect up to a point, as long as they are expressed in a respectful, compassionate way. However, perhaps it is worth thinking about why, at a time when you are probably feeling vulnerable and impressionable, someone would send a PM rather than posting their opinion on a thread you started for that very purpose.