Torn about decision and 16 weeks help!!

[Missmums]

Anyone that can give me some advice please - would be so appreciated as I’m struggling and so torn.

My situation is that I’m 16 weeks pregnant and still undecided what to do. There are other reasons that I am this far along as well as simply being undecided but I can’t explain all of them here. So please no judgement. A few months ago I left a long term toxic and mentally abusive relationship and am trying to heal from that. I then had a short term causal relationship and accidentally got pregnant - father doesn’t want to be involved, isn’t local and has ended contact. I already have a 4 year-old who is my world and getting used to being a single parent with her although the dad is involved and having lots of contact. The issue is I always so badly wanted a second child and always hoped I would even though I have ended up single and now in my early 40’s. I think this could be my last chance to have another child due to my age but I have never wanted to do this on my own or in these circumstances and my mental health has been very bad and I’m terrified. I don’t have a large family but there would be some support from my parents although they are quite elderly and I feel it’s a lot to ask. I have a sister who lives a couple hours away but said she would try help where she can.

I have a new termination booked next week and I am on countdown to make the decision. I absolutely know it’s my decision and no one else can make it for me but any advice or input would help me. I’m scared I won’t cope with a newborn on my own and the sleepless nights (as my first was a terrible sleeper) and that I won’t ever get the freedom to meet anyone or have anytime for me again. How do solo parents do it?! But equally I feel like was it meant to be and it’s a huge loss if I terminate.

This situation and indecision is killing me. My GP has prescribed anti anxiety meds but I’m worried they make you worse before better and I have only days to make a decision. I’ve never been so torn or conflicted, scared and confused :( any words of wisdom from anyone? Thanks for reading.

Only you can make the decision. But I would speak with a Councillor to help you be sure about your decision.

I honestly don't know what I'd do. 2 kids alone won't be easy but it's probably now or never for a second child.
Financially can you afford another child?

Thanks for your reply. I have spoken to a BPAS counsellor but she didn’t really say anything just listened. I may find a private one urgently and try that.

I do have help from the father with my 4 year old it’s just the second I would be alone with. Financially I could make it work and my parents have offered support with that too.

I literally change my mind from one decision to the other several times a day and obviously this has been going on for a couple months and I’m terrified to make the wrong decision. Maybe I should just let go of the idea of the second child and make peace with it but I don’t want to regret it for the rest of my life and I would’ve loved to have given my DC a sibling. I can’t actually believe I got pregnant from a one off encounter as I’m 42 and it feels like it won’t ever happen again but I’m not sure I’ll cope. There is a chance the father may change his mind and want contact but we won’t be together and he’s 2 hours away so it won’t be easy. I could also ask for maintenance from him although I’m hesitant to do that as he has a troubled history with his ex and I don’t know him very well and would be a bit worried about access and contact. But I also feel it’s hard on the child not to have it’s father. Is there anything else I should think about? How on earth to I make this decision and be ok with it? Thanks again.

I hope you don’t mind me posting on your thread, I had a termination last week at 12 weeks. I am not really in the same situation as you re circumstances, though I do have just 1 child (he’s younger).

Mentally I was so caught up in how my hormones/the pregnancy was making me feel that I forgot to look at any of the positives, all I could do really was focus on everything negative about my situation.

I just wanted to say please really do consider the positives and give them as much thought as the negatives - if you’re having any doubts whatsoever.

I did have doubts even up to the day I took the pills (before surgery) but I just kept focusing on the negatives and never gave any thought to how I COULD manage with a 2nd.

I hope I don’t come across as pushy, believe me I don’t have any judgement towards your situation as I chose a termination but I deeply deeply regret it just a week on!

Whatever decision you make, best of luck x

This is my personal take.
I'm a lone parent of a school age child now and late 40s.
I decided not to ttc for a second as felt it would be detrimental to my child who has additional needs and I felt needed all of my attention.
However, had I got pregnant, I'd have definitely kept it.
Imo, and it is only my opinion and personal experience, raising a child alone is actually easier than with a partner where there are issues. You know exactly where you stand, you know thta you make the decisions and do what works best for you and your children only. So if that means sleeping when the baby does that's what you do.
Likelihood is that your MH will improve the moment you definitively make the decision. Aborting will no doubt also lead to more issues afterwards, relating to the loss and what that probably means for the future for you re a second child.
Likewise, not claiming child maintenance won't stop him ever being able to request contact. It just simply means that you and the baby lose out on additional financial support that may, one day, be a significant loss if circumstances changed.
Regards support, yes, technically at 4,it will be easier and cheaper to get this for your daughter, but really, that's only true for the baby for the first few years. So I wouldn't be focussing on that as a reason to abort either. I'm not saying that flippantly, but I do have a family, but honestly, only when hospitalised have I actually needed help. The rest I've just muddled through. And tbh, the 2 parent families seem to expect more support!

Please take your time.
If you'd wanted to abort, deep down, I think that probably you would have done this when it would have been easier on you.... So maybe the answer to the choice has already been looking right at you?

Good luck.

No absolutely I welcome all the comments and thoughts I can get as I have only days left to decide. Thank you for commenting.

I am the same actually in that I keep thinking of the negatives and how I will be lonely and struggle and not cope and won’t be able to focus on my career for several years (which I am having to restart over) or ever meet anyone and I’ve felt so lonely in my dysfunctional relationship for years and years so this was important to me. Yet at same time I was grieving the thought of probably never having another child which is desperately what I did want before my biological clock ran out! It’s like I’ve been given half of what I wanted but I’m just so scared and the fear just takes over. I found my first hard but we have the closest bond and she is my world. I’ve found out it’s a girl after a private scan which is also what I wanted - again please no judgement and I know this may make it harder but I just needed to know somehow. I panic from one decision to the other I feel I’m losing my mind....:(

Thank you for this @ChoiceMummy too. This really is food for thought.

The father thinks I’ve terminated and we haven’t spoken since. Although it doesn’t sit right with me not telling him if I do have the child but equally he has quite a complicated history and I don’t trust him so maybe that’s best. I can think about that further down the line I guess.

I really thought I’d miscarry all this way through so thought and kind of hoped the decision would be made for me. I also had a termination booked but the dating scan made me a week further ahead so it had to be cancelled. Not that I would’ve necessarily gone through with it anyway. I just need to feel that I could maybe cope and do this, women are strong and I won’t be the first. It’s finding that strength somehow. And like you say maybe easier without the input of a partner in a complicated unstable relationship. I’ve been so depressed since the breakup it’s hard to think clearly through this. Thank you for your input x

@Missmums it’s so very difficult not to think of the negatives in this situation but there are also many positives.

I don’t think you need to worry about the dad, if he doesn’t want to be in your/babies life then that’s his decision, if you can make it work being a single parent then go for it.

If I had my chance again I know I would make sure I was 100% certain of my decision and had really thought through the positives.

I struggled with my boy when he was born and with pregnancy, my mental health deteriorated and I was so scared of it happening a second time, despite the offers of help, I couldn’t see past them. If you can get help even if just a small amount of help that would be something to take into account too.

Have you had counselling via the provider for the termination? I opted not to have it (again as I was just so convinced that I couldn’t go through with the pregnancy) if you’ve not had it, maybe it’s worth exploring. X

Only you can decide but having said this picture yourself in 1 year , 5 and 10 years time what your life will look like on both sides of the decision

I was in a very similar position OP although I'm younger than you. I had an almost 4 yo; pregnant after a single encounter and didn't actually find out until I was 16 weeks. I had a scan, found out it was another girl and it was like things were meant to be. There was no way I could terminate that far along knowing baby was a much wanted second daughter that I never thought I'd have. I was going through a divorce, ONS didn't want anything to do with the baby. I had (and still have) a good career:

Yes it was hard being alone with a newborn, but from what I can gather you have supportive parents and your LO will idolise her little sister. I I didn't put the father on the BC and although he pays maintenance, there has been no contact. I've been in a new relationship since my youngest was 16 months and we live quite happily now - kids are 14 and 10. I've got some explaining to do regarding my youngest father, and why he's not been on the scene. But neither girls have called my partner dad, despite neither of them having contact with their real fathers. I've always said I will tell them when I'm asked. So if you do plan on keeping the father at arms length, you need to consider how you will tell the truth to them.

It's hard, but it's doable. My daughter would only sleep on my chest, it was a nightmare. But I got through it. Only you can make this decision, but I don't regret mine for a second. Sending hugs:

Op, you head is telling you that it's going to be really tough, but in your heart you want this baby.

How much support have you got round you? Parents, friends, other family?

Thanks everyone for your comments. They really do help to think things through and all very valid points.

I have had some brief phone counselling but it didn’t get me anywhere unfortunately.

I think that’s it - head says no heart says yes but I don’t want to make my life harder right now.

There’s a small chance I do meet someone and have a second child which would be lovely to share and enjoy and do it how I’d want it to be, but it seems less likely given my age.

I have parents fairy locally but they are elderly, a sister who could help a bit but she has her own life and lives a few hours away not many friends locally who could help out unfortunately.

I’m exhausted from thinking about this for 3 months and just need to make a decision somehow. I don’t want to just leave it and that be the default decision and then panic for the next 5 months until baby arrives thinking I can’t do it!

Did you make a decision OP? I’m in a similar position? Xx