Help with abortion regret

[Lonleygal]

Hi ladies
A few weeks ago I had a mental breakdown due to my guilt over having 2 abortions. I was in a really toxic relationship and I’m so angry with myself that I didn’t leave him years before so that non of this would have even happened. He treated me so badly but because I have no self confidence and didn’t want to be a single mum again it’s like no matter what he did I would get back with him. The first abortion was about 8 years ago and the second 5 years ago. I have no excuses I just wasn’t careful enough with my birth control and I’m very embarrassed about that . My head was a mess and I was a single mum to 4 kids ( the last one was his ). Looking back I can’t believe I stayed with this man it’s makes me feel sick that I was such a weak person . My life was a mess and I was very depressed and felt suicidal. I’d been doing a lot better since we split up for good and looking forward to a better life for myself and my 4 children and try and build a better life for us and better relationships. Then out of the blue a month ago I got totally fixated on these 2 abortions I had while I was with him . The enormity of what I’ve done hit me like a ton of bricks. I murdered my own children just because I was being irresponsible and selfish. I began to search for help on the internet and read about how bad abortions are and there illegal in some countries and it’s all started spinning round in my head. That was my daughter’s siblings and I just killed them ? I should have kept the baby and run a mile from the dad but I was weak and selfish. In the end I had a breakdown and after 2 weeks of not sleeping or eating I called the crisis team ( mental health). They have put me on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. They haven’t fully kicked in yet as it can take 4 weeks to work . I wake up every night with my heart pounding out my chest and butterflies so bad in my stomach I curl up in pain . This last month has been torture and if I didn’t have my 4 kids now I’d happily kill myself as this is no life to live. I’m practically a recluse now as I can’t face going out knowing what I’ve done apart from obviously essential places my kids need to go. I have ruined my life and ended 2 others . I’m a discusting vile women and I don’t deserve children . The only hope I have left in my miserable life now is not to ruin my remaining kids lives as non of this was there fault and they don’t deserve any of this . I just want them to be happy and never go through this or mess up there lives the way I have .
Thankyou for reading

Why was it selfish? I’d say it was the opposite. Your foremost duty as a mother is to the children you already had. They need a mum who is safe more than they need another sibling.
You would have tied yourself and your children to an abusive man and brought two child into the world that would have to deal with that. You’d have seen his face in them. How is that fair to you or your other children?
Please don’t blame yourself like that.

I think you’ve done brilliantly. You’ve protected yourself and your kids by making a very big and difficult decision while caught in a very bad relationship. You should be proud of yourself.

I had one years ago while in an abusive relationship. I hug myself regularly and am thankful of the decision I made because it would have tied me to him forever and ruined my life.

I agree that you made a selfless decision for your existing children. You didn't do anything wrong, and you're not a bad person at all. You're deserving of love and a life full of happiness. I hope you can recognise that soon.

Be a bit kinder to yourself, OP. The person who made that decision really didn't have a better option, did she? You didn't bring more children into an abusive situation and by making that choice you were able to get yourself and your children out of it. A tough but ultimately entirely justifiable decision. You've been through so much and you're still here, looking after your kids. You're amazing!

You aren’t selfish. You actually put your 4 dc first. If you’d had 2 more dc with your abuser then things may have been worse for your 4 dc. You didn’t “murder.” You can’t kill something that can’t breathe on its own. Please look after yourself - mentally and physically. Even if just for the sake of your dc because them seeing you in distress will have a negative impact on them.

Thankyou for the kind replies . It wasn’t abusive as he was beating me up or anything it was more mental. For example he would call me fat ugly nobody would ever want me etc then next min say how much he loves me and how sorry he is . He was a big help doing stuff round the house etc and as I was a single mum when I met him I’d never had that before so I just wanted it so bad a normal family. I had a baby with him and he was going to move in with us but that only lasted a couple of months ( I later found out he was cheating on me the whole time ) . Not long after our first baby I got pregnant and he was literally screaming at me he didn’t want more kids and yelling at me for half the night. The next day he was like well if you want it you can keep it. By then I was obviously all over the place I never thought he’s react like that . But anyway I rushed and just got the abortion as I didn’t want to be on my own again with a baby. Obviously now I know that I should have literally run a mile and never seen this man again even if I’d of had that baby or not . Over the years things got worse I was literally a shell . I cried all the time it’s like he made me so miserable but then I hung on to the small amount of good times we had and always wanted this happy family. Because we were on and off all the time I kept going on the depot and then coming off it again when we had split up - yes I know very irresponsible. Unfortunately one night I got abit drunk and we had sex. I took 2 morning after pills one the day after and one the next day as I realised I’d messed up again. They didn’t work . I text him to say I’m pregnant and he said ‘what’s that got to do with me ‘. I didn’t bother texting him again that said it all to me. I was in agony over what to do. No way I could have another baby on my own while looking after the others they were at school by now but just getting them there with the morning sickness etc . I managed being a single mum before but I just couldn’t face doing. It all on my own again. But also I couldn’t face having another abortion. I got so worked up I felt ill . What the hell have I done ? I did end up going to the clinic for the abortion but couldn’t go through with it so came home. But then I think I kind of panicked and I just rebooked and did it. To this day I dream of running out that clinic and never going back . But I did and now I have to live with what I’ve done . Some days are unbearable and I’d do anything to get my baby back . Now I’m getting sterilised and don’t ever want to go near a man again . I feel totally destroyed after all this .

Also I just wanted to add I put baby and not babies as if I’d not have had that first abortion I would have had the baby and got sterilised so I would have never needed a second abortion. That makes this whole thing even harder for me to deal with because if I was a stronger person I would have just had the baby and told him to fuck off . I seem to have an inability to make good decisions that’s for sure .

You poor thing. He sounds a total arsehole. Be kind to yourself. You made tough decisions in extremely difficult circumstances. Do you have a counsellor you can talk it through with? I found that immensely helpful when I had an abortion. It really helped me process it and forgive myself.
Take care OP

Hi blue jelly I have not had any counselling yet but I just found a place in Birmingham and have sent them a message . I have never told the doctor or anyone before I had this breakdown as I was to ashamed of what I’d done and there’s so much debate and stigma about abortion. I finally told the crisis team and they were really kind to me and didn’t sound judgmental at all. With there counselling though there’s a long wait . Hopefully this place will get back to me tomorrow. Thankyou for your reply

Aw I hope they get back to you tomorrow and you can start to get the support you need. Take care and please don't beat yourself up anymore, there are so many women who have had to make these difficult decisions, you are not alone

He wasn't abusive but he called you names, screamed in your face, and told you he wasn't interested in your pregnancy. Read that again.

I'd recommend getting in touch with Women's Aid for support. They can offer counselling for you and your children and help you re-build your self-esteem. And yes, your experience would be enough for them to offer you support.

I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time. I would
stop reading “pro-life” propaganda, it’s designed to make you feel bad about abortion!

I have never felt any stigma about abortion and believe it’s the best choice in a lot of situations and I am very glad that we live in a civilised country where they are easily accessible.

You have four beautiful children who need you and you haven’t murdered anyone! Your body your choice.

It sounds like it wasn’t the right time for you to have any more children and you were within your rights to decide not to do so.

Please reach out for support in real life, and stop reading pro life information that is very one sided.

Be kind to yourself, it's a cliche but time is a healer. You will feel okay eventually. I regretted mine for years, still do and it was literally decades ago but I've reached acceptance. You made the decision that was right for you at that time.

You can still access post abortion counselling
Bpas and MSI both provide this
Please contact your provider and ask for some help
You don't need to feel like this . You made the right choice for you and your existing children , please be more kind to yourself

Thankyou so much everyone. I was feeling desperate when I wrote the post but your replies have really helped me. I think I’ll always regret the abortions but I definitely need to find a way of dealing with them. My head is pretty messed up at the moment. It’s true while I was looking on the internet for help I found an awful lot of pro life sites and it’s really affected me . Some of the stuff on there is shocking and make you feel awful 😔