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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Pregnant with no4 at 40 and scared

10 replies

Dariastar · 18/03/2022 10:10

Help please!
Looks like I am pregnant with no4. Thing is I am 40, would be 41.5 when baby arrives if everything were to go well, and I have an 11m baby, 5 and 7yr olds. I had a really tough pregnancy with no3 - gestational diabetes, big baby (unrelated to GD), uncomfortable as transverse, c section and tough recovery.
Sounds so ungrateful for what is probably another pregnancy, but I’m scared! Will this totally break my husband and I? Will we be able to give them all attention? Will I stretched beyond belief? Will all our family and friends disown us? People around us don’t really approve of having several and one family member in particular was horrified that we had no3. Am I ancient? Are the risks not worth it? (Will get Harmony test if baby sticks).
Newest baby was a lockdown surprise and is gorgeous and extremely active - he arrived 6w before my 40th (which prompted a bit of a how-am-I-40 crisis coupled with some PND which I’ve been dealing with the past several months through therapy).
Finances will be v tight but our house is big enough and we have one of those multimac seats for the car. Will need an au pair for support with my older children for sure.
Gah, I so didn’t feel “done” after no3 and one careless love-making and here we are...
I can’t talk to anyone other than DH about this sad

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SummerHouse · 18/03/2022 10:25

I come from a big family. It was a great childhood. Being poor didn't factor, and we were poor. Now still really close with all siblings. I love that we are a tribe.

If you want this baby, you will make it work, I have zero doubt of that.

Yes, be practical. A harmony test is wise.

All that said, if you want to terminate then do it. It's totally a choice available, I just get the feeling that's not the choice you want to make.

I had a similar but different scenario. In the end I found it helped to consider it one step removed. So if I had to place my existing children with another family, which would I choose? Family A, who choose to terminate a pregnancy to protect the children and the lifestyle they had. Family B, who would continue the pregnancy, take the gamble, try to make it work. Neither is right or wrong.

Best of luck. Once you are set on your path I hope it starts to get easier. Flowers

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Fritilleries · 18/03/2022 16:42

Terminate?

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IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 18/03/2022 16:46

I think that if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy and that if it all goes well then you will find your feet and you will have the ‘older 2’ and the ‘younger 2’
How does your dh feel?
Let the news sink in for a few days.

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GestationalDiabetes · 18/03/2022 17:27

I would give yourself a little bit of space to absorb it without even actively trying to think . Initial emotions can be quite strong about anything unexpected or unplanned and may or may not settle, while once you’ve had a little more space it may become easier to know what you feel.
Our 3rd is very unexpected and for me my feelings did slowly turn from the shock of it how would we cope to even feeling very positive and excited; I would just give yourself space and no pressure, especially after PND and do look after yourself (pnd is often linked to a deficiency in essential fats/ omega 3/6 if that’s ever helpful , I have become obsessed with nutrition for some reason!)
I do hope you will work out what’s right for you x

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Dariastar · 18/03/2022 17:29

@IAmSantaOhYesIAm

I think that if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy and that if it all goes well then you will find your feet and you will have the ‘older 2’ and the ‘younger 2’
How does your dh feel?
Let the news sink in for a few days.

My DH is cool with it. He always imagined having four. But he agrees it will be considerable work!
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TopCatsTopHat · 18/03/2022 17:41

Forewarned is forearmed with regards any pregnancy complications like GD, and the coping bit sounds like you and dh would be ready to welcome a 4th into your gang. I know 2 families with 4 kids one with comfortable finances one less so, both are doing really well and happy because the family culture in both cases is built round the parents attitude which is kinda broad shoulders big hearts and parents are a team.
I think you sound really similar. The other family member, well, meh if they don't understand other people's choices they should just keep that to themselves.

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Dariastar · 19/03/2022 11:14

Thanks so much @TopCatsTopHat, that’s a really generous message Smile Reassuring to know that about your friends’ situations.
It is about attitude and organising what one needs to make life as easy as possible.
I’m just letting it sink in for now and aware that things could all change in the next few weeks anyway - given my age especially x

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Dariastar · 19/03/2022 11:16

Thank you for your lovely message @SummerHouse. How lovely you are happy to be part of a big family. How many of you? And how many children do you have? X

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Dariastar · 19/03/2022 11:20

@GestationalDiabetes thank you. I’m now allowing myself to absorb and not overthink.
Good tip Re essential fats.
I understand how you felt initially re no3. Glad it turned to excitement and hope all’s going well for you now x

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twinsetandpearl · 19/03/2022 11:21

I have 3 - 2 of which are twins who are 1 - I don't feel done and haven't since the moment they were born - I have 2 embryos left from IVF - I'd like to have a 4th - no accidental babies here as no tubes left due to ectopics so can't conceive naturally

I get about the judgement from others - everyone expects me to be finished after the twins - and are openly horrified when I talk about using our remaining 2 embryos and have said to my face I would be "stupid" to do it

But it's your life not theirs. I adore my little tribe. If you have the space and the money go for it x

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