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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I'm so down, hope someone can help

14 replies

Vevee · 16/03/2022 10:26

Hi, I'm 37 so no young whippersnapper, I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, unplanned. . Contraception failure and MAP failure. I have an appointment booked for tomorrow for a scan at NUPAS and if all is ok I can have the abortion pills.
I'm petrified and I mean seriously petrified.
As to whether I'm doing the right thing. I have a counselling appointment on Friday morning also. I'm 99% sure I don't want to be pregnant and have another child the remaining 1% is guilt and shame and sadness over a termination. Along with only having a small 2 bed terrace we have a 4 year old son who is very hard work at times, wouldn't be able to afford to move either, my last pregnancy was awful, my partner and I argued constantly because of how I was, I think the whole family was walking on eggshells around me to be honest, I had depression, anxiety, OCD which he didnt understand and couldnt cope with, I cried at every scan, I wouldnt buy anything for the baby, baby's bedroom wasnt even started until 6 months after he was born because I didn’t want it touching. I had a mental health nurse every two weeks, CBT therapy and a proper counsellor after my son was born. A year after he was born I had a breakdown, I had to move in with my son with my mum and dad for a month, the MH crisis team had to be called. I'm pretty scared if all this happens again and my son sees it and sees what an absolute nutcase his mummy is, the thought is really upsetting me and I'm sat here in tears at work. I don't know what I'm asking really, maybe if any of you had been in this situation would you feel/do the same as me? Am I right/justified in the choice I'm making?

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 16/03/2022 10:36

You are totally justified in your choice.
You have the absolute right to do whatever you think is the best choice for you and your family. It sounds as if continuing with the pregnancy could severely impact your mental health, your relationship, and your parenting of your son.
These things are often not clear cut, but I think your decision is more clear-cut than most.
Of course it's natural that you will feel sad terminating a pregnancy, but it's a completely justifiable choice, and the 1% sadness should not stop from going ahead with the decision you know is 99% the right thing for your family.

Original poster

Vevee · 16/03/2022 11:04

Thank you, its the 1% 'oh well it might be different' etc but I not entirely sure it will. I cant talk to anyone about this except my partner. I want to tell my mum and dad, they're are such supportive parents which I'm so lucky for but I cant, it would be a second grandchild to them wouldnt it, I cant tell them anything like that I feel it would be cruel.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 16/03/2022 11:08

I agree that you be justified if/when you go ahead. It sounds like you had a terrible time with your first.
But then you could equally feel that way after a termination.
It really is down to you, and what support your DP could offer.

Original poster

Vevee · 16/03/2022 13:13

I think my partner would be exactly the same as last time, I think he'd still struggle with how I am. I think he'd get cross because he can't deal with it and doesnt know how to, then I think my son would see it all and I think he would be pushed out. The guilt is so difficult.

OP posts:

Luckyme30 · 16/03/2022 16:10

I was in a very similar situation to you. I had diagnosed Tokophobia and saw a counsellor for every week of my first pregnancy with my son, I was under a specialist midwife etc and had a cesarian to have him.

I suffered badly with my mental health flr my boys first year at least. I fell pregnant recently and struggled massively with the dilemma of what to do, on one hand it would have been lovely for my son to have a sibling but on the other more practical side of things I knew my mental health would suffer/ it already was during the pregnancy and I was becoming unable to care for him.

I made the tough decision to terminate, there will always be some regret of course but I had to consider my son and how it would have affected him. I would have been no good to him.

I think if you know in your heart ofhearts how you will be then it’s the right decision to make x

Original poster

Vevee · 16/03/2022 16:54

Thank you everyone. @Luckyme30 that situation pretty much sounds exactly the same as mine, if you don't mind me asking, what was your partners thoughts on it? We seem to be on exactly the same page which has been helpful in making a decision, but then he has said its my choice at the end of the day x

OP posts:

Luckyme30 · 16/03/2022 17:44

@Vevee it’s so difficult isn’t it!

So my partner was fully supportive of my decision. He was excited when we found out (as was I initially) but I think he knew as well as I did (and he later did admit he was worried about me coping) that really the best decision for us would be to terminate.

Original poster

Vevee · 16/03/2022 18:27

Thank you so much Lucky, this has really helped. X

OP posts:

Luckyme30 · 16/03/2022 20:56

That’s good to hear. You have to go with whatever works best for you and your situation :) I hope you manage to work it out :) x

Original poster

Vevee · 17/03/2022 08:59

Going for my scan today, my stomach is churning 😕

OP posts:

Luckyme30 · 17/03/2022 12:42

@Vevee is that a maternity one or with nupas? They won’t show you the screen if you don’t want to see it x

Original poster

Vevee · 17/03/2022 15:43

It's with NUPAS. I've been, I'm 5 weeks, she said she can't issue the tablets as I told the consultation lady on the phone that I wasn't sure? I can't remember saying that but I've to have counselling in the morning and I can get the tablets next Thursday if I'm sure.i spent the whole time crying in there and the internal scan was so painful x

OP posts:

Luckyme30 · 17/03/2022 16:19

@Vevee that’s very frustrating. Surely even if you did say you weren’t sure on the phone, you’ve had time to go away and think about it….

Sorry the scan was painful and also that you’re having to wait longer, especially if you’re sure of your decision, the wait really is the worst part x

CityCommuter · 17/03/2022 17:23

@Vevee (hugs)... you really do sound unsure about things and that's why the tablets weren't issued and for good reason... if it helps I have a friend who was in a similar position 4 years ago. She had a difficult 1st pregnancy with subsequent post natal depression and found herself unexpectedly pregnant at age 41 when her DS was 3... she had an unsupportive partner but she didn't want to split up so she um'ed and aw'ed about what to do at first, she had counselling and in the end decided to go ahead with the pregnancy... her relationship ended and she now knows it would have ended anyway even if she chose not to go ahead. She has a lovely DD who is great company for her DS and she's always maintained that even though it hasn't been easy at times she definitely made the right decision. She was 42 when DD was born so it would have been unlikely for her to have another baby after that...

Please don't rush into ending this, your DS could be a big brother, it's nice to have a sibling to grow up with rather than all attention being focused on them... you only realise the benefits as they get older...

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