Not Sure What To Do

[niddymoo]

Me and DH have a daughter who turned 7 in Nov. We've been trying for no.2 since Sept 2017 with no luck, and a diagnosis from a fertility consultant of unexplained secondary infertility.

We weren't using any contraceptives, I realised on Monday that my period was 8 days late, 2 preg tests later - positive result.

But now neither of us are sure what to do. We weren't not trying any more, but had been told that it was basically impossible for it to happen naturally, so whilst we both felt we were always hopeful for a happy surprise, we thought the chances of that were nil.

The problem is, we're very much past the sleepless nights/nappies/weaning/etc stage of life. Our DD is becoming more independent, we both work full time (me term time). My dad passed away last year, and my mum (who we would need to help us with as we couldn't afford full time childcare) is 75 and I'm conscious that she may not be physically able to help us even though she would probably want to. It would certainly push us financially at a time when we're now starting to have the money to really enjoy life. Our DD asks for a little brother/sister, but of course doesn't fully understand the reality of life with a baby 😂

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. We've longed for this second baby for a long time, even when we thought it wasn't possible, but now we're faced with the reality, we're both feeling a bit lost. I don't really know what I'm asking, I just don't know what to do!

@niddymoo, sounds like a very, very stressful situation.

Personally, given it seems there are clearly some fertility issues here and you had wanted / tried for a second child for so long; I would worry you may very much regret a termination.

Have you thought of reaching out to PANDA's, ( they support women experiencing prenatal depression/ anxiety in pregnancy, and it sounds as if there is some anxiety here). I've found them very helpful.

pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

Would you also consider asking Citizen's Advice to advise, ( in confidence), what support you would be entitled to with childcare with two children, ( I have many friends where UC refunds them 85% of the childcare costs).

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/universal-credit

Citizen's Advice will be more than happy to advise r.e. entitlement to support with childcare costs.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/search-for-your-local-citizens-advice/

Take care

Sorry to hear you’re so confused.

I’ve just been through this. My children were younger but the youngest is approaching free hours so we were finally going to get more disposable income. Both work full time. Rely on my DM for adhoc/emergency childcare but she’s mid 70s so I’m starting to feel bad about it. Unexpected third pregnancy due to contraception failure but until that point I’d always thought that if an accident happened it would be a wonderful thing.

We decided to abort. I would have loved another child but the practicalities were daunting. I wanted to give my existing children the best start possible. I wanted to pay off my mortgage before retirement. I wanted to start getting some of my independence back.

I do feel very sad though. I’m sure it was the right decision for us. With work I have so little time for my kids and they need me. We need my wage and two mat leaves in five years has stalled my career. More than ever with all these price rises. But I also long to meet that child. I’m sure it’ll pass but it’s tough.

You have some time. I’d take some time to sit with the pregnancy and see if you can get excited about it. Try and problem solve some of the issues you see. I do look at my mum now and feel bad that a reason was that we wouldn’t be able to rely on her so much when she’d have loved to cuddle another baby everyday and I’d have got a break in the early days if not the later ones. But you can’t have a child for someone else.

I’m rambling now. But there’s no right and wrong choice. Good luck.

I would always say that an unplanned pregnancy is a big shock. It’s perfectly natural for your first instinct to want to go back to the status quo. Let the shock pass if you can and see if you can look at the situation more clearly.

My situation is not quite the same but I am currently accidentally pregnant with no3. My eldest is a similar age to yours and like you, my career and finances are recovering after my last maternity leave and my parents elderly.

I was very sure and now I am questioning everything.

I hope you have support in making a decision, it’s not at all easy xx

I agree with promiseauction- feelings can change or settle if you can give yourself space without too much pressure as if can be so hard to know or trust your feelings when it’s that unexpected. Try not to put any expectation on yourselves so soon.

promiseauction - sorry to hear you've been through the same thing. All I can think of is the practicalities, similarly we wanted to pay our mortgage off before retirement, have gained more independence recently, we've both got exciting things happening in our lives and are really comfortable with our little family of 3.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone else apart from DH about it. My friends are so aware that we'd been trying for a second for so long that even though it's not something we really discuss anymore, I'm worried they'd judge me if I chose to abort.

And I do feel partly that if we did continue with the pregnancy, we'd be doing it for other people - for DD, who asks for a sibling, for my Mum who I'm sure would love another baby to cuddle but probably couldn't cope with looking after them in the way that she did with DD.

Also, I loved being pregnant, and I think the whole thing would be a better experience this time (much more supportive work place, better mat pay, more life experience/confidence!) but it still leaves us in a really poor financial position upon returning to work plus sets life as we know it back by 8 years. When DD reaches 18 and takes her steps into the adult world, we won't have the freedom that we anticipated, but would still have a 10 year old at home 🤷🏻‍♀️

We are currently a family of 3, not through choice. I would have rather had a second child but we were very lucky to have the one we do. She is now 4, has started nursery recently (a year later than planned due to COVID and a house move) and I start back at work for the first time since before she was conceived next week. I admit that, despite having wanted a second, I have got used to our situation as it is and am enjoying her and my increasing independence. Partly because I have talked myself round to the benefits to her of being and only child. I admit I would be horrified and a bit panicked to learn that I am pregnant now. However, my best friend in the whole world is my little sister, who is 7.5 years younger than me and my parent's 'happy accident'. I would never want not to have her in my life. I suspect that my parents, who were older when they had me, had a good few months of total dismay and panic. However they adored my little sister and gave her every opportunity too and not a one of us would change a thing now.

I always found it a shock when I got that positive test, even though I was actively trying for them !
It’s not unusual to have doubts, and run the worse case scenario through your head.

Another side of the practicalities- because we thought it was physically impossible to have another, we didn't really keep any of DDs baby things apart from a few favourite clothes and her books. If we continue with this pregnancy, we're going to have to buy everything again!

Ah yes but the second time around you wouldn't need to buy everything new, I'm sure friends would pass stuff on!

You're very much on the practical side and that's absolutely fine but if I were you I'd sit with the emotions a bit. You say you loved being pregnant so that's a good thing! And I think second time around is a lot easier for all the reasons you list, my second was much easier but even if you have a tricky baby you still have all that experience to fall back on and you don't have the idealised expectations of a first time mum.

For me I knew for sure when we were in a period of having decided to keep it but then I did the school run and I was rushing around getting one to school and one to nursery, both shouting at me, and I was late for work and the house was a tip and I just felt so tired even thought it was only Monday and I thought there's no way I can extend it by four years, I'll break, I'll get annoyed with my existing children even more, I won't be the best mum I can be to the ones I've got at a stage in their life where I'm their world.

But as I said, I still feel very sad and I'm questioning a lot of my reasoning which is natural I guess but hard. I'm trying to turn my emotions towards hating the system - if childcare wasn't so extortionately expensive, if flexible working was actually a thing that worked not just talked about, if the cost of living and housing wasn't so out of synch with wages...

@Promiseauction how are you feeling now?

I think we've decided to go with the termination. I swing wildly between both sides, but ultimately we can't afford another baby and the 8 year age gap means our life would change a lot and it would definitely take away from what we can offer DD. I just can't imagine breaking up our little unit of 3.

But I'm really struggling with the idea of the termination and the guilt. I've always been pro choice, but never thought I'd be in a position to have to make that choice 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh I’m sorry. Not that that’s the decision you’ve made, it’s a good decision if it’s what you want, more that you still seem in turmoil. I was too to be fair, right up until taking the tablets. It’s a horrible position to be in.

I’m in a weird place. Half the time I’m fantasising about what life would have been like with a third but we’ve now all come down with Covid and I’m having to miss two days of work to look after the DC then my DH will look after them some days next week. Work is incredibly busy, my boss is pissed off, and this is on top of me having time off already this year for my son’s chicken pox and my daughter’s first bout of Covid. Which makes it abundantly clear that a third would have made my job impossible which would then have had a huge impact on our lifestyle including affording our current house. I need to work FT at the moment. So I feel justified but still sad if that makes sense. It’s ok to feel sad and cry occasionally. Doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.

Yes, that makes complete sense and I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling sad. I did read something yesterday that said "a right decision is still right, even if it makes you sad". I keep saying to my OH, what if DD resents us when she's older for not giving her a sibling? But we have to look at the short term and what is important and viable to us now, I guess.

It's such a hard balance, isn't it? I would need to continue to work FT too, DD already does 4 extra curricular clubs (only child benefits 😏), not only would we have no money but I'd spend my whole life driving all over the place to get 2 very different aged kids to different places. I don't know if I have the capacity to start again but I feel really selfish for saying that.

Putting yourself first is not being selfish. Women need to stop thinking like this!

I don’t think you DD would resent you for not having a sibling but she might wish she had one. Different things! And just remember, she might not like the sibling you gave her. I was very close to be DB until about 15 but now we hardly speak, because he’s an arse and he lives in another country.

Very true! Female guilt is one of the hardest thing that men never have to go through!

And also a really valid point re the siblings. It's really easy to look at Instagram and see happy families of sibling love, etc. I know this isn't guaranteed. My OH is an only child and is now one of the most well rounded people I know. I had 5 half siblings that I didn't grow up with (I'm my Mum's only) and I've only now reconnected with some of them because our Dad passed away last year. So I did 33 years as an only, and I think I came out ok!

Our DD is a well socialised, bright little girl, our house is always busy as we home host long term foreign students, so she has grown up with people around her. We would just love to go on all of the adventures together now that COVID is (hopefully) moving on, and we will not be able to do that with a baby, for so many reasons.

There’s nothing wrong with an only!

I hope the next few weeks go smoothly for you. Always here if you want to chat

Absolutely not! Thank you, hopefully I hear back from MSI today and can get the ball rolling with it all. The longer I have to think about it, the worse it's getting - I've done barely any work this week through the stress and endless googling!