Unplanned pregnancy depression - can’t terminate

[Box1806]

I’m wondering if anyone has been in my position and if they can help me.

I’m distraught. I’m pregnant 8+4 today. I’ve been booked in for a termination 3 times and I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m so scared that I’ll hate myself afterwards and won’t be able to look after my little boy. So I say I’ve changed my mind. I get in the car and I sob. I feel so so trapped.

I don’t even recognise who I am. I’m miserable. I’ve even contemplated suicide. Something I’ve never ever thought about before. I feel such a failure to my son now. I feel I don’t want this pregnant but I can’t choose abortion either. I’m in limbo.

Please don’t suggest adoption because I couldn’t do that.

I don’t know what I’m asking. but I know my pregnancy is getting further along now and I’m still in the same position as when I started.

Hello Box 1806. So sorry to hear of your difficulties. Would it help for you to talk through your feelings with some non judgemental ( I hope) people who don't matter to you because you will never meet them in RL?
How old is your little boy? Do you have a partner around? If so have you spoken about this? Do you have any local support for you and you little boy? Is there anyone in RL you could trust to listen to how you are feeling?
I don't have any answers for you op but it might help to be able to talk a few things through? 💐

@shiningstar2 I have a long term partner and a good support network or friends and family most of which I’ve spoken to but they haven’t themselves been in this position.

This pregnancy has come as quite a shock as we had IVF for our little boy who is 2 next month.

I have an appointment with a councillor next week. Which I hope will give me some clarity. I just feel so torn and trapped. 😔

Sorry to hear you are struggling OP.

What are the pros and cons to keeping the pregnancy or terminating, could you write a list?

Does your partner know?

What are your worries about continuing with the pregnancy?
And why do you think if you had a termination you wouldn't be able to look after your toddler? You'd be out of action for maybe 24 hours, maybe less, but you say you have support. It's not clear from your post what your concerns are either way.
If you feel comfortable giving more information, maybe we can help you work it out?

@DelphiniumBlue

My concerns are plentiful. Some valid some “what ifs” I’ve had an awful few years. A baby born in lockdown, PNA and the worries, I have I don’t even know who I am anymore, then I lost my grandad (the only dad I’ve ever known) my son is autistic (not diagnosed but looking that way) his step sister is also on the pathway to diagnosis (she’s 12) we speculate it’s my partners genes his nephew is also autistic. (3 grandchildren in the family all Autistic) for the past year especially since my grandads death I’ve struggled with my emotions and feeling so much worry. Mostly that I’ll die and leave my son, then I worry endlessly about his future and what it will mean to be autistic for him. i worry I’m not enough.

Finding out I was pregnant floored mes. i felt sick to my core and I knew right now in my life I could not cope. i know that and I don’t want to struggle along. I want to be 100% available to my son and any needs he might have. It’s likely this baby would too be autistic and I couldnt do this again, all the pain, all the worry, all the heartbreak. i don’t want myself or my family to go through that.

I know it’s selfish and cruel and that’s why I’ve been to that clinic 4 times and I can’t do it! I can’t abort because I’m so scared. I’m scared I won’t get over it. That I’ll regret it immensely and I won’t be able to move on and then my son will suffer and it will all be an even bigger mess.

I’m 10 weeks on Saturday and that to me is just too far gone, I feel so trapped into this pregnancy. it’s not the right time, I don’t have anymore to give.

I mean this will the greatest respect but have you thought about adoption?

I cancelled one of mine once right at the last minute, i felt like you, i then opted for the abortion pill which I could mentally handle better. Could that be the challenge? As somone who has had 2 aborions it is very very difficult and not unusual to feel this way, but speaking from experience I felt better once it was done. It's just the run up to it that really fucks with your head

I've just read your update that your now 10 weeks so your only option would be for a surgical. I personally couldn't abort at 10 weeks. But if you want to abort you need to act now. Leaving it to grow is not helping. Have you had counselling?

I know it’s selfish and cruel

It really isn't OP. Have you had any counselling? You sound so alone in all this and desperate for someone to reassure you that it's okay to choose to terminate a pregnancy you don't want and don't feel mentally able to cope with. Please speak to Brooke or Marie Stopes or whoever is providing your termination and ask to speak to a counsellor asap. What's cruel is leaving you in this state of anguish. You are not a bad person for wanting to terminate. You don't have to go through with this pregnancy if you don't want to or don't feel able to, for whatever reason

@MissMaple82 i work in the medical field. That’s not true. Medical abortion over 9 + 6 days would Mean you can’t terminate at home and you’d need to stay in hospital to pass the pregnancy.

I appreciate that you might not be able to abort and unwanted pregnancy at 10 weeks. I could type “oh wow I’d never have 2 abortions” but I don’t know your circumstances and I wouldn’t pass judgement, it’s not appropriate. I’m struggling enough. I imagine your own terminations would have been really difficult for you.

@zafferana Thank you so much. That message is just what I want to hear, I do want to know I’m not a bad person and I’ll be ok on the end of thusS

I have spoke with the counsellors, I have spoke with friends and my partner. I know abortion is the right thing to do for us as a family whilst we get to a place where we can relax about our sons needs. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It hurts my heart to even think about it. I refer PTs for abortions frequently but you never think you’ll be of them. i really feel trapped. Sorry I sound like a crazy woman. actually I feel pretty crazy at the moment. 😔

You don't sound crazy OP, just a hard decision. If it were me I would have the abortion and do it quickly. Focus on your life, being healthy and being available for your child you have now.

You don't have to have a baby just because an egg got fertilised, we are lucky enough to have options. You know deep down what you want to do, don't spend weeks making your decision it will just make it harder.

Post on here and we can all support you in the lead up and afterwards. Maybe consider counselling afterwards if you think you will struggle.

Family life and love are not always logical.
If you don’t want an abortion you don’t have to have one. Listen to what your heart says.
I’m going to gently suggest that maybe you are suffering from prenatal depression and there is help out there for that. Speak to your Gp.
Autistic children can live full and happy lives - it just looks different from the conventional path.
I wish you well.

After 9 weeks you cannot have a medical abortion only a surgical abortion. It is too big to pass that way! I'm not judging you for considering an abortion. I am 100% pro choice, but leaving it is really not the way to go about it. It needs to be dealt with ASAP.

@MissMaple82

After 9 weeks you cannot have a medical abortion only a surgical abortion. It is too big to pass that way! I'm not judging you for considering an abortion. I am 100% pro choice, but leaving it is really not the way to go about it. It needs to be dealt with ASAP.

That’s just not true, and to be frank it’s just daft saying it’s too big to pass after 9 weeks, it’s how babies are born, and how most babies naturally miscarried come out, passing a pregnancy vaginally is normal, so of course its not too big. Bpas tell you on their website they can offer termination this way, it’s also on the NHS website. I imagine it’s not as recommended past 10 weeks as it’s more traumatic, but misinforming an OP who is having a difficult time just isn’t helpful at all.

Sorry you are struggling OP

@MissMaple82

After 9 weeks you cannot have a medical abortion only a surgical abortion. It is too big to pass that way! I'm not judging you for considering an abortion. I am 100% pro choice, but leaving it is really not the way to go about it. It needs to be dealt with ASAP.

That's absolutely not true. You can't have one at home after 10 weeks, but you can have one in a clinic or medical setting.

From the NHS website: 'if you're over 10 weeks pregnant you need to take these tablets at the clinic or hospital'

Please, it's so important that women aren't being told incorrect information on threads like this.

@MissMaple82 in what way do you think you are helping

Hey I hope you're okay - I am going through very similar right now. Feeling very trapped with a pregnancy. Are you okay?

@Razzataz im so sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s awful feeling. One I certainly couldn’t see a way out of.

everyone’s experience is different. we all feel this way for different reasons. Some didn’t want children. Some just aren’t ready. And some think there family is complete but whatever reason you feel the way you do. It’s valid and it’s ok.

for me, I always planned on a second child. So when I unexpected fell pregnant I couldn’t understnd why I fell in this black hole I could not escape from. I didn’t see a way out other than death and that wasn’t even an option because I have a 2 year old son. my feeling stayed like this and I continued feeling depressed until week 13.

week 13 came and I had my scan. I remember feeling nervous and just hoping baby was ok, which was ridiculous because I didn’t want my baby. I saw them on the screen and I had this smile I couldn’t control. I left that scan room and those feelings of doubt and fear were back again but not for long a few days later I woke up and just like it appeared the black fog had gone and I’m 21 weeks not and expecting a little girl. I’m nervous but really looking to having my baby.

Important to remember is no one has the right to tell you how to feel. You feel the you do because you are entitled to. You aren’t horrible or cruel you are human. No one has the right to guilt trip you into any decision. Babies are blessings but only when you’re ready to accept one. Don’t rush into any decision have a good long think and decide.

my Decision to continue my pregnancy tbh wasn’t based on me wanting my baby it was this overwhelming urge to protect it each time I walked though the clinic for an abortion a total of 4 times. my little girl was meant to be. I truely believe that. Good luck x

I just wanted to check how everything worked out for you? I'm in the same situation now.

@Bbqnights looking at back at this post and instantly feeling all those feelings I once felt. I can honestly say that was the most difficult period in my life. My mental life was at a low I didn’t think possible.

the outcome? I now have a 21 month old daughter. She’s a menace. Life’s tough. I’m overwelmed most days. I’m tired beyond belief. But I don’t regret my decision… some days I probably do actually lol but genuinely she’s completed our family. I had some counselling while deciding on whether to abort or not, and the councillor told me “I think you’ll be ok, no matter what you decide” and I am. For the most part. I won’t pretend it’s all perfect because it’s not. It’s still really tough. But I don’t regret my decision and I love the bones of my little girl. Would I advise 2 children so close together absolutely not. But we’ve found our way and you will too, whatever you decide. Look after yourself and if you ever want to chat please get in touch. I know that internal torment and it’s truly debilitating.

Thank you so much for your response. Your previous posts really resonate with me. I've had the pills to terminate for days but can't go through with it and running out of time. So worried about the affect of another child on my DD. I just want to feel happy again. Can't face the thought of being depressed all pregnancy but equally think a termination might haunt me for a long time.

So glad things worked out for you. All I want is to feel back to myself again.

@Bbqnights awww hun, honestly my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you’re feeling. I felt trapped in my own body.

my advice here, would be to try and set your emotions aside, Deal with those later. Practically thinking, can you afford both emotionally and financially for another baby? Will this baby add to yours and your daughters life in a positive way? More importantly do you want this? If you don’t. That’s ok. And if it’s fear of the unknown and how your life will change, forget the fear. It’s a massive deal bringing a baby into the world, but you already know what that entails. You can get through both decisons.

all I can share is my experience and while it’s chaos it’s lovely. And seeing my sons and daughters bond I now know I made the right decision. But that was for me, no one can tell you what’s right. The only thought I kept coming back to during that time was, if I truly didn’t want this, why did I have so many doubts. And it was that, that changed my mind. For me personally the “what if” would have destroyed me. The heartache you feel now, proves what a wonderful mum you are and will be should you decide to continue and if you don’t, please know you aren’t a monster you just made the best decision for you at that time.