Please or to access all these features

Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Scared of regretting my choice

15 replies

nj556 · 23/02/2022 12:58

I’m 19 and recently found out I’m around 6 weeks pregnant despite being on the pill. This came as a huge shock to me and I don’t know how to move forward. Before finding out I was convinced I would always have an abortion in this situation if it happened but my head is all over the place.

I am on a leave of absence from university, I’m due to change course and go back in September to study occupational therapy and I am really excited for this. I’m working in the meantime but my contract ends at the end of April and no guarantee that this would be extended so have no job security.
My boyfriend is second year at uni, we have a stable relationship and live together.

We both want this a few years down the line and wish it was happening then. I have booked a consultation for an abortion but don’t know if I can go through with it as part of me wants this, I just have no idea where to start. I don’t know how we’ll afford to support ourselves + baby just off of my boyfriends student loan as I don’t have any promised work and I wouldn’t be able to go back to uni. We’d also potentially need to find somewhere new to live as our student landlord would probably not let us stay here. It may just not be the right time and I want to accept that and go back to uni & try again in the future, but I can’t shake the feeling that I may regret having an abortion as it just makes me so sad to think about. I am barely able to stop crying when talking about it. I know that I could also potentially regret having a child though if it stops me or my boyfriend from finishing uni etc & I don't think it's fair to bring a child into that situation. I'm just so torn.

Any advice? Either regarding how to make the choice or how to support ourselves if we did decide to continue…

OP posts:
Psuedoshoes · 23/02/2022 13:02

So sorry OP. I've been in a similar position and I did end up having an abortion. I don't regret it, but that's not to say I don't often think about it or get sad about it from time to time. I've no real advice I'm afraid, other than to say it's entirely your choice and you shouldn't feel guilt whichever way you decide and you just need to think about what the impacts could be to your life in both outcomes.

Choppingonions · 23/02/2022 13:05

Why couldn't you go back to uni? There is usually a crèche for staff and students' children. It would be a pity to go ahead with a termination when you have doubts. Many people go ahead with a pregnancy and also graduate.

nj556 · 23/02/2022 13:08

@Choppingonions

Why couldn't you go back to uni? There is usually a crèche for staff and students' children. It would be a pity to go ahead with a termination when you have doubts. Many people go ahead with a pregnancy and also graduate.
Studying occupational therapy means that I'd have to go away for placements often & I don't think I could deal with that emotionally with a new baby. I'd also be heavily pregnant when starting the course which the uni says could present a health and safety risk having to use lifting equipment etc..
OP posts:
Trinxsy · 23/02/2022 13:10

Hi OP. I got pregnant with DS at 18 and went to uni when he was 11 ish months if I remember correctly.

I got support from student finance, 85% of nursery bills paid (he went full time and I paid around £80 a month ) as well as child benefit. I got a parents learning grant and some other bits if I remember right.

If you decide not to do uni route, you can get UC support if you're not working as you don't need to look for work until your baby is 3.

nj556 · 23/02/2022 13:26

@Psuedoshoes

So sorry OP. I've been in a similar position and I did end up having an abortion. I don't regret it, but that's not to say I don't often think about it or get sad about it from time to time. I've no real advice I'm afraid, other than to say it's entirely your choice and you shouldn't feel guilt whichever way you decide and you just need to think about what the impacts could be to your life in both outcomes.
I'm so sorry you went through something similar. Thank you for this❤️
OP posts:
TheUsualShitshow · 23/02/2022 14:08

In your shoes I'd wait and have a baby at a time when it was right for my life. But only you can decide. Good luck Thanks

Rawtinhail · 23/02/2022 14:20

Such a tough place to be in and one I'm familiar with when I was 21. My situation was a little different, however ultimately it was a choice of is this the best thing for ME? The answer, as sad a I felt was no so I proceeded with a termination. I'll be honest, it's an emotionally horrible process but the professionals in my experience were all wonderful which helped. I cried a lot both before and after my termination and doubted myself, I'd say that's totally normal. It's a big thing. 17 years on do quite often wonder how things would be now had I chosen a different route, but even though I haven't since had children I still don't regret it. I've only recently started TTC for the first time since then and who knows if it will be successful for me, but what I do still know is that I made the right decision for me at that time of my life.

That's not to say what is right or wrong for you, but I encourage you to speak to people close to you and the services available. Focus on yourself only and don't be hard on yourself.

BR96 · 23/02/2022 14:27

Hi! I have just recently found out I am pregnant, I am 25 years old and I have only been with my boyfriend for 3 months! I was also on the pill and found out I was pregnant the day I was supposed to be getting the implant fitted.

I have recently just started doing a dog grooming course but currently work in the NHS so I understand how it feels to feel so overwhelmed thinking about work and studying!!

I think I'm in the opposite position/thought process to you, my partner wants the baby and I do too but my doubts are what if I end up regretting my choice and wish I waited longer to have a baby.

my thought process now is when is the right time to have a baby? are we as women actually ever 100% ready to have a little one? there are loads of different support networks out there that can help you and your partner when it comes to the financial help side of things, you will have your friends and family around you also, your life won't just stop because you have a little one.

Sometimes it isn't the right time and you will know deep down whether it is or not, uni is always going to be there when you are ready and able to go back and study. could you maybe do a part time course?

im not sure if this will help you, but sometimes its just nice to hear that you aren't the only one having doubts or worrying. its totally normal to feel like this and you aren't alone. No matter what your decision is never feel guilty or have doubts if it was the right decision to make. The decision is for you and what's best for you. All the best xxxx

nj556 · 23/02/2022 19:23

@Rawtinhail

Such a tough place to be in and one I'm familiar with when I was 21. My situation was a little different, however ultimately it was a choice of is this the best thing for ME? The answer, as sad a I felt was no so I proceeded with a termination. I'll be honest, it's an emotionally horrible process but the professionals in my experience were all wonderful which helped. I cried a lot both before and after my termination and doubted myself, I'd say that's totally normal. It's a big thing. 17 years on do quite often wonder how things would be now had I chosen a different route, but even though I haven't since had children I still don't regret it. I've only recently started TTC for the first time since then and who knows if it will be successful for me, but what I do still know is that I made the right decision for me at that time of my life.

That's not to say what is right or wrong for you, but I encourage you to speak to people close to you and the services available. Focus on yourself only and don't be hard on yourself.

I'm so sorry that you also went through a similar experience. You're right in that it is such a big thing and I think there will always be feelings of sadness either way. Really appreciate the comforting message. Wish you luck TTC! 🤍
OP posts:
nj556 · 23/02/2022 19:24

@BR96

Hi! I have just recently found out I am pregnant, I am 25 years old and I have only been with my boyfriend for 3 months! I was also on the pill and found out I was pregnant the day I was supposed to be getting the implant fitted.

I have recently just started doing a dog grooming course but currently work in the NHS so I understand how it feels to feel so overwhelmed thinking about work and studying!!

I think I'm in the opposite position/thought process to you, my partner wants the baby and I do too but my doubts are what if I end up regretting my choice and wish I waited longer to have a baby.

my thought process now is when is the right time to have a baby? are we as women actually ever 100% ready to have a little one? there are loads of different support networks out there that can help you and your partner when it comes to the financial help side of things, you will have your friends and family around you also, your life won't just stop because you have a little one.

Sometimes it isn't the right time and you will know deep down whether it is or not, uni is always going to be there when you are ready and able to go back and study. could you maybe do a part time course?

im not sure if this will help you, but sometimes its just nice to hear that you aren't the only one having doubts or worrying. its totally normal to feel like this and you aren't alone. No matter what your decision is never feel guilty or have doubts if it was the right decision to make. The decision is for you and what's best for you. All the best xxxx

Congratulations! Thank you for this, really appreciate it❤️
OP posts:
Petsop · 23/02/2022 19:42

You are doing the right thing. Sending all the love.

Choppingonions · 23/02/2022 23:30

That is very hard. Only you can know. Could you defer? If desired?

PerditaPerdita · 24/02/2022 07:15

I think the problem is that while we all say 'only you can know what's right for you', you are finding it (understandably) impossible to say how you will feel after a termination, or with a baby, because you don't yet have experience of either.

I was in the same position. My instinct was leaping for joy at having my first baby. And all I wanted to do was protect her. But my head and most of those around me were saying omg how can you have a baby at 22.

All you can actually do is as much research as possible about both options, then take a view.

My thoughts on your situation are that you are in a strong relationship and have each other's support. This gives you a key foundation for whatever you do, which is very good.

If you have the baby, you will have each other to help you. You can pull together to sort out the new practicalities.

Sources of support appear often once the decision to have the baby has been taken, or when the baby is born. Parents and family. University. Local resources for young parents. GP/health visitor.

If you terminate, you will immediately have a joint burden of sadness. This may affect the relationship. You may turn to each other in an attempt at comfort, but it may alienate you from each other, as you deal with feelings of failure and reproach. You can't really know how you'll feel.

Look into abortion regret. Look at the threads on here. So many have been in the position you are now.

Sadly this isn't like buying a car or choosing a holiday destination. Some reviews say fine, others say disastrous.

The bottom line from my experience and reflection is:

You know both of you will absolutely love a child. You know practicalities will fall into place and you'll get through somehow. It's highly unlikely you'll look into your child's face and have any regrets.

You can't know how you will be affected by potential regret and sadness if you terminate. But if you've had any experience of losing a person close to you, all I can say is that the grief is peculiarly painful if you never even got to see their face or smile, or see their eyes light up when they see you, or have that precious gift of helping them to learn about the world.

You are weighing up practicalities like studying, timing, money, housing with your heart and life.

Only you can say what is more important, more precious, and less possible to find a way around.

Can you juggle practicalities?
Yes.

Can you bring someone back once gone?
No.

That's your bottom line. Don't be afraid of things you can manage. Do be careful about something you won't be able to change once done.

Just have your eyes open, whatever you do. That's all you can do.

TheUsualShitshow · 24/02/2022 10:18

Can I just say - don't assume you will automatically feel terribly sad and regretful.

I have friends who have felt like that, yes. But others felt, and still feel, more 'thank fuck'.

It's not necessarily a negative choice to make. It can be the positive decision for your life as it is right now.

nj556 · 17/03/2022 11:15

I just wanted to come back here with an update in case anyone was reading this looking for advice themselves.

After the initial shock had worn away we both talked a lot and gave it time & decided that we did want to keep the baby. Obviously there were practical issues to sort out and since posting, we've both transferred unis, found a place to live closer to home to be supported, started to set ourselves up financially & i am taking a year out of uni (with the possibility to be extended) so i can go back whenever i feel ready.

We're both really happy and I know that it isn't so easy for everyone but just wanted to share a bit of hope that things can be sorted if it's what you really want ❤️

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page