Choosing between partner & baby? Abortion

[mae9075]

Hi all. This is my second post of Mumsnet.

So last Monday I found out I was pregnant, 3rd pregnancy. I have a two year old son and a daughter who is soon to be 6 months. This was a totally unplanned pregnancy.
My partner, who I do love incredibly, is the sole provider for our family and he has said he can not afford another child. I’m heartbroken at the thought of having to terminate this baby and I don’t know how I’d manage mentally afterwards. It feels like I have to chose between abortion and feeling immense grief and regret or having a baby and becoming a single mum. I love my partner and I’d never want to ruin my other children's lives by splitting over this.
I guess my question is, has anyone ever decided to terminate a pregnancy because they financially couldn’t afford it, and stayed in a happy relationship.

I’m so worried that this guilt will eat me alive. It’s like I’m torn in two, terminate a baby I already feel a love for, or walk away from a very happy relationship with two beautiful children.

I have never felt emotions like this before, I have been a ball of emotion for a week.

Think about it from the utilitarian point of view.
The best thing for the maximum number of people.
Your children would be affected as you would have less time and money hence opportunity for them.

Sadly I suspect this may show up some true colours for your relationship and it might not survive whichever way you go. So you need to make the decision which is right for you, regardless of what your partner says/thinks.

How could you be happy in a relationship knowing you'd had an unwanted termination on his wishes? You need to make this decision for you (and your other children) without factoring relationship status into it.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. How do you feel WRT the financial situation?

I agree with pp saying that this will affect your relationship either way. It's not going to go back to how it was if you terminate this pregnancy. So decide what you want to do based on you, and your other kids.

Financially speaking, it WILL be possible. It might not be easy or comfortable but it will be possible. People have babies in tight financial situations, and with careful planning and budgeting it can work. Lots of secondhand stuff for babies is very cheap, and once all kids are old enough, you can work too, to bolster finances, so it isn't like he's going to have to pay for this child entirely on his own forever.

Sorry you're having to make this decision though :( he does realise that his point of decision is now past? That was the making a baby part. What to do with your body now is your choice, not his.

As other have said, you need to make the decision that's right for you and your other kids. Make your choice assuming that, either way, you'll be a single mum - choosing to terminate just to save your relationship when it might break down later anyway is not something you should be doing. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have made the decision to terminate for financial reasons, and equally there are plenty who've decided to go ahead even though they know finances will be tight. You just need to make the decision that's right for you.

Make the right decision for you.

Even if you split up, your partner/ ex will have to pay child support for both / all three of his children anyway. There’s not an opt out.

Or he will have to cope with parenting all three on his own for half the week. So he will have to cut down his working hours to do this.

Leaving you because you refuse to abort your child to suit him is not going to be a cheap and easy solution for him.

Your partner is quite the charmer. Doe he not realise that he will still have to provide for this child, whether you're together or not? He sounds daft, honestly.

I don't think he is being unreasonable in saying that you cannot afford another baby right now. He isn't forcing you to have a termination, no one can do that but are you prepared to do whatever it takes to have this baby?

Do you work? Are you prepared to get a job or return to work as soon as you physically can after the birth? As in, when the baby is a few months old or even sooner?

Are you happy to take a drop in your standard of living, both for yourself and your existing children?

Do you have family support for childcare so you can work?

The way I'm reading this is that he is being practical and saying that the money to support another child just isn't there. So if you want to have it then you either need to generate that extra income yourself or take it from elsewhere in the budget.

Are you able to access counselling? Because I think you need to talk to a professional about this. I think Marie Stopes offers this.

It takes two to make a baby, and him putting you in this position is a really shitty thing to do. Pick me, or be a single mum, he does realise that he'd have to pay maintenance regardless of if its two or three kids. Whatever your decision, and this is your decision, I don't think your relationship will be the same, does he realise the enormity of what he is saying to do, mentally, physically and emotionally?

Can you plan to go back to work at all? Are you able to claim benefits? Have you thought through all your options?