Abortion at 16 weeks

[lulu778]

Please don't judge me...
Ever since I've found out I'm pregnant, I've felt empty and depressed. I'm pregnant for the first time and I always thought that I'd be ecstatic but honestly we weren't trying and it just happened unexpectedly. The timing is just wrong and I've just got my dream job, got married last year so wanted to travel with my husband just me and him and wanted to have a baby in 1-2 years time.
Everyday I feel miserable and unhappy. Im considering an abortion but my family is so happy about the pregnancy and so is his family. I feel so guilty and conflicted. Anyone been in a similar situation?

Sounds very tough OP ?

How does your husband feel ?

The thing I would think of is, how would you feel if you struggled to get pregnant again in a year or 2 ?

Have you thought about the potential you could have antenatal depression ?

Maybe contact these people for support ?

pandasfoundation.org.uk/what-is-pnd/pre-natal-depression/

Maybe give their free helpline a ring, (open between 11.00am-10.00pm daily, designed to support people with prenatal depression/ not enjoying pregnancy).

It may also be worth asking your GP for a referral to NHS counselling or the perinatal mental health team.

Were you using reliable contraception? Imo it is very entitled to assume you can have another baby at a more convenient time..

I sympathise I really do. My pregnancy is planned but I spent the first few weeks really regretting it and googling abortion.

What jumps out from your post is that you were hoping to have a baby in 1-2 years. That is really so little time. Yes, if the pandemic goes well you might get a few good trips in. But, practically there is a big risk that travel is still going to be disrupted. You can travel with a baby (I have fantasies at the moment of disappearing for a month of maternity leave). If there are supportive grandparents around you might be able to do solo holidays sooner than you think. But the bigger question is, if you want children is travel really a reason not to start now?

In terms of work, your dream job can’t sack you. Will you be entitled to enhanced mat pay? You don’t have to take a year off. With shared parental leave and/or nursery lots of people take far less. There is no good time to have a baby work wise. I’ve left it until late in my career but now I’m there I don’t think that’s going to offer any more protection than if I’d done it sooner, and actually had downsides.

I think people don’t talk enough about how scary and confusing pregnancy is. I started a thread and lots of people admitted that they had felt pure dread until quite late into pregnancy. I’m coming out of it now at 14 weeks but my partner is still absolutely terrified and regretting that we did it.

I felt like this and I'm so glad that I went on to have my baby. He is the love of my life. Everything else pales in to insignificance. I can't wait to travel with him too! And I've taken a year off work.

Honestly, I know it's not the same for everyone, but I now can't wait to have another baby and work had taken a back step.
I never for one minute imagined I would feel this way.
Good luck whatever you decide.

For the sake of a year op I’d be thinking very carefully about this. Any abortion can be extremely traumatic, let alone one done so late. I had one when I was in my teens, but I was about ten years away from being ready to start a family. It affected me badly for a long time though and I still think about it often even 20 years on. Could you really terminate a baby now just to start trying again in a few months time?

You need to do whatever option is best for you, but (and I say this with real kindness) an abortion at 16 weeks has the potential to be really traumatic. As a midwife who has seen 16 week babies be born, I'd think really carefully about whether you could go through giving birth which is what it would involve at this gestation. I would recommend speaking to your midwife ASAP to discuss all of your thoughts and feelings. There should be no judgement from her and we see this more than you realise. Wishing you peace with whatever decision you make.

If you feel guilty and conflicted, I think the worse thing you can do is have an abortion personally.

What happens in 1-2 years in 'perfect planning' time if you fail to get pregnant? What happens if you never manage to get pregnant again? That's what you have to think about.

You seem focused on the perfect planning side of it rather than actually having a baby. It's never a perfect time. But if you genuinely want a baby at some point (and so long as there's no danger to you of course obviously) you may regret for life having an abortion. This isn't just about you now sadly. I would seek some advice from your GP. You sound depressed.

OP, I think you need some mental health support. I'm absolutely pro choice but if you're going to have an abortion because the timing isn't right, the earlier the better.

You're married, you want to have a baby in the next couple of years, you're 16 weeks pregnant and you have already told people about your pregnancy.

This is not the time to be considering an abortion just because the timing isn't quite right and you would like to travel more.

You're already more than a third of the way through your pregnancy. You are soon going to get a noticeable bump and feel your baby kicking. Having an abortion at this stage would be very traumatic.

I felt the exact same as you at your stage.. even after multiple miscarriages I should have been the happiest ever! But I really wasn't, and was full of regret and panic for months.

I carried on and now my beautiful girl is 7 months and the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. I got a new better job and everything is on the up.

Hang in there, take care of yourself and drop me a message if you need to 💐

Tough situation OP but I would think carefully. What does your husband think?
You're already 4 months gone. If you were to abort you would need time to arrange it, have the procedure and then heal. Then if you were going to try and ttc to have a baby in the next 1-2 years you would likely need to start soon after.
How would you feel on your baby's due date if you abort?
How would you feel ttc or being pregnantthis time next year knowing that you would have had a have a 6 month old/ 1 year old etc? All things to think about.
If you have a future baby would you mourn the baby in your belly? Can you feel the baby move - how would you feel it that stopped?
Do you have family or other support you can speak to?

If i was you I would consider all of the above, then speak to a GP or book a consultation at the abortion clinic to help make a more informed decision. Good luck whatever you decide x

Just wanted to say you absolutely can travel with a baby! My son was in Sicily, hiking hut-to-hut in Norway and in Israel in his first 18 months. (Plus visiting family abroad.) At that age they are very portable. All you need is a good baby carrier! Also I got a better paying job during that time. Of course it's your choice but a baby doesn't have to cramp your style.

Thank you all, your advice has opened up my mind a lot more and I feel like maybe I'm being too hasty with wanting to end this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I love children but I've just been very stressed with getting a new job, not getting any maternity pay due to being new and the fact that we haven't been able to do much since the wedding due to the pandemic.

I really appreciate all your experiences and advice and will stay strong and manage around the baby! I'm sure it's not impossible 😊

I suffered from anti natal depression in pregnancy, I felt very similar to you in what was otherwise a very wanted pregnancy. I'd definitely speak to your gp, even if you just need to talk all this through with someone. There's never really any perfect time to have a baby and I wouldn't personally get a termination for the sake of a year or two. I can understand why you feel how you do though x

*antenatal

I'm assuming you know what a termination at 16+ weeks involves?
I can't speak for you, but for me, it would ruin my life to do that for the sake of a year in a new job and a couple of holidays. I think I would find it very difficult to have children later and know what I'd done to my first pregnancy.

Get some mental health support asap. As much as I am pro choice this is frankly a bad choice and as others said, very traumatic.

Wish you the best, I know it's a big change being pregnant and having your first child but abortion in your situation is not a good path

I think definitely get some counselling.
I was very conflicted, like you are, and it really helped to talk it through - all of it, the reality of it, with an objective professional.

If you feel unclear about what to do, and planned to have baby in 1-2 years anyway, you might really regret it if you end it.

If you decide to go ahead, I think you will find your anxiety and shock will settle with a bit of time. But I am only saying that because you have supportive family and planned to have baby anyway in near future.

Managing a baby won’t be any easier or harder now or in a year, If it’s part of your future life plan anyway.

Take it one day and one step at a time, would be my advice if you go ahead with it. Reach out for support and it sounds like you have a network to get that support.

It's maybe not what you planned but they doesn't mean that it can't be just as good if not better.

I'd just got a big promotion when I became pregnant with my second and I can honestly say that being pregnant made no difference whatsoever.

You can still travel, differently than you planned but we travelled all over the world from when my son was 9 months. We continued to do this even after our other two were born.

A change of plan can be a huge challenge but it might be a huge positive as well, you just don't know it yet. 💞

We traveled when our son was 6 months he slept mainly and it was nice and easy with him not how I expected he just slotted into our routine he was a lovely easy baby. An abortion at 16 weeks would not be nice for you to go through and for the sake of having a baby in 1-2 years anyways I don’t think it will be worth it I do believe you would really regret it. I had an abortion at 9 weeks with my first pregnancy I was 17 though and I still regret that to this day even though I’m much older and have children now because I regretted it so much I went on to have a child 1.5 years later anyways.

I would suggest independent counseling, OP. Continuing the pregnancy may very well be the right choice for you, but so might terminating. There is no one size fits all tbh. Do what’s right for you.

And no, it isn’t a given that terminating a pregnancy at 16 weeks is going to be deeply traumatic or a source of long term regret. Again, it’s individual.

Don't terminate for work. Any workplace can replace you within a matter of weeks.

Think it through very carefully and get counselling before you decide anything.