Terminated because I'm unmarried

[Nomorepastry]

Has anyone else made the decision to terminate because you weren't married, didn't live together, etc??

Been in a relationship since 2015 so it's not a new one, we don't live together and don't share much in the relationship other than me visiting a few times a week. On the outside you wouldn't even know we had much to do with each other as no pictures on social media, he blocked me on Instagram a few years ago which never really bothered me much. Fell pregnant a few years ago and decided to terminate at a late gestation as worried what my family would think because they're traditional. I was very excited to have that baby and meet him, he kept me going at the time and I haven't been 'normal' since. But I realised he probably wasn't ever going to marry or commit to me so I decided to do it as mentally I wasn't stable and absolutely couldn't do it alone. I had a baby (put for adoption at birth) from a previous relationship that lasted less than a year and have lost over half of my family due to having a kid outside marriage. I realise people terminate for so many different reasons, but I feel like a horrible person for doing what I did. I've remained celibate ever since.

I feel like I did it for the wrong reasons, others appear to terminate because they don't have the money or have other kids to think about. And I feel like I did it because I'm selfish for being scared of being left alone.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Perhaps a counselling service that specialises in this might help you?

You made the decision you thought was best at the time. That's all anyone can do

I very much agree with PP

Did you tell your partner you were pregnant/ was he supportive? I am so sorry for all this you’ve been through, I wish I had advice but my heart goes out to you as I would find that all so painful.
I also worry you might be in the wrong relationship if don’t see more of a future together and it will stop you moving forward? Being alone can be a positive thing and give you a fresh start if so x

Yours was a valid reason. You recognised that he was never going to provide a baby with a stable family unit and that a very valid reason. Whilst lots of women are fine with being single parents, many will tell you that it’s a huge struggle and it’s perfectly ok not to plan to bring up a child on your own. Personally I think you made a mature decision.

@Nomorepastry have you had any counselling regarding the child you had adopted? I wonder if your grief over the abortion is in part grief for your other child too? It seems yo u didn't wholly feel you had full choice in either decision due to your family and partners

That sounds so painful. I don't think you were remotely selfish.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Nomorepastry have you had any counselling regarding the child you had adopted? I wonder if your grief over the abortion is in part grief for your other child too? It seems yo u didn't wholly feel you had full choice in either decision due to your family and partners[/quote]
No, the adoption never bothered me much as I was young and I never had that connection during pregnancy. I still don't feel much now, as awful as that sounds. That feeling I had towards the baby that I terminated were very real, I had everything prepared for him, went to weekly midwife appointments and felt so ready. I've been to the drs regards to counselling and they gave me anti depressants and said I'll have to refer myself to a counseller but the waiting lists are 3-4 years long last time I enquired about it. My partner never had a say in my decision, he was always very supportive and said whatever I choose he'd be there. It's the fact that I've already lost family connections from being pregnant and unmarried before.

I don’t think you were selfish either. I think you made the best decisions at the time that you could taking your life at the time into account. That is not to say you would or wouldn’t make the same decision to adopt or terminate today, what is important to remember is that none of us are blessed with second sight, we make the decisions we make on what we know at the time. Many situations look rosier in hindsight, it doesn’t mean they were.

I think you sound as though you have regrets about a number of things in your life eg the adoption, your termination. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are sad about those events in your life that led you to make those choices , but at the same time remember that you did them for the right reasons, and that also you don’t know how your life would have been if you had made different decisions.

I wonder of your fears of being alone have more to do with your current relationship, it sounds very odd as you describe it, and not very satisfying either on an emotional or in a caring way. I wonder if in some way you think that having children would have filled those caring and emotional gaps in your life and that that is what is making you sad.

Rather than thinking about what could have been, I think you need to focus on what can be in your future. A better relationship maybe? Someone who values you, and with whom you are able to discuss how you feel. If your current partner can’t or won’t fulfil those roles for you then is it time to think about moving on?

I think you should stop beating yourself up over it, although without counselling or support this is very much easier said than done.

I can give my perspective from both sides of the fence. I am a single mum, and I got pregnant again with a long term partner who I didn't live with and terminated.

Being a single parent is hard, and it is not selfish to consider the people who already exist first (yourself, your partner, family etc)

You have done nothing wrong. You made a choice that was right for you at the time and you didn't bring a child into a situation you weren't sure of.

Babies don’t exist in a vacuum. There is a reason people spend a lot of time and effort trying to find a suitable life partner, who gets on with their friends and family etc and would be a good father figure and support through life.

In my opinion, the person you’re having the baby with and the situation you’re in is one of the most important considerations to make when deciding to keep a pregnancy.

For you, prioritising your continued relationship with your wider family who are important to you and wanting to be in a married unit before having kids, is a perfectly valid reason to terminate a pregnancy. It doesn’t make you selfish at all.

I would terminate any pregnancy before marriage, even if I could technically afford it financially. It’s just what I want for my future family - I’m not religious or anything, I just want that stability because it’s not something I had as a child.

Marriage is no guarantee of anything of course, but it is a commitment from a man that reduces the risk associated with the many sacrifices a woman makes to bring a new human into this world.