What to do

[Rrrob]

I am 10 weeks pregnant. Surprise pregnancy and already have 21 mo twins.

DH is adamant this is too soon. House too small, no family support, will disrupt the calm we’ve just about got to with DTs. I agree but also can’t imagine not doing this. I’ve buried my head in the sand. Haven’t registered for a hospital etc. i am surrounded by pregnant friends.

The ‘easy’ thing is probably to terminate. Little disruption to family life and having a baby when DTs are older seems more sensible BUT none of the problems listed above would have changed. He says we can move house and then think about it.

Please help. I don’t think my heart can forgive him for this, but maybe the sensible thing is not to do it. My head is a mess.

I'm generally pro choice leaning but To me him "think" about it once you move house = never. I have twins and an older child. I get how hard it can often be. Did you always plan on more children after the twins or did you think you were done?

Who pays the bills etc? Does your DH carry the family financially? (I'm the main earner and work full time with 1 year old twins and went back at 5 months - so any decision to have another child will be 90% mine 10% DH)

I’m sorry you’re in this position. Can you afford to move now? Can you afford another child?

Most importantly, do you want another child? It’s only your decision as it’s your body.

@bonetiredwithtwins

I'm generally pro choice leaning but To me him "think" about it once you move house = never. I have twins and an older child. I get how hard it can often be. Did you always plan on more children after the twins or did you think you were done?

Who pays the bills etc? Does your DH carry the family financially? (I'm the main earner and work full time with 1 year old twins and went back at 5 months - so any decision to have another child will be 90% mine 10% DH)

I think this is a sensible post. Does he want a third ever... really? Or is he done at twins?

for you as it must be really tough.

Unfortunately as your DH is not on the same page you did need to think somewhat practically.

If you had the third and it ended your marriage would you be up shit creek financially if he decided to play silly buggers during financial settlement? Would you be okay with it ending your marriage? Or ending the pregnancy to keep your marriage?

To answer qs. I was the main earner and we now earn the same with me earning 4 days and him 4 days.

Yes always wanted a third child. I have any way. He hasn’t/ thinks we have everything we wanted and why would we risk ruining that but has always said we could have another at some point.

I should add, we have been through a lot together. He dragged us through the ill health and death of our oldest child whilst I was a shell of a person. I have to remember this. There is always a risk (unlikely but still) that a baby could have the same condition.

I think it would be better to save the marriage v keep the pregnancy if there was the risk of it ending BUT I think I would resent him. Financially if it did we would be ok. We have equity in our house and my parents would help us out if needed.

Could we afford a third? I don’t know how to know/ answer this…we have an expensive nanny at the moment and couldn’t afford a second lot of childcare (nursery plus nanny), partly why he says it’s too soon. We have just got a 7 seater car and have lots of baby stuff. I think our plan would be to move next Sept in time for school applications anyway/ to release some equity from the house.

I still don’t know…any more feedback? Thank you

I’ve re-read what I wrote and I don’t want to do this alone, so I guess that makes my decision. It might ruin our marriage anyway…I don’t know how I will ever forgive him.

Would he definitely end the marriage though? Is he just panicked and worried but likely to come around? If you never have another (healthy) child the resentment will end your relationship anyway?

Presumably you'd have maternity leave though - what's the package like? wouldn't that take you up to when you'd get 30 hours childcare for the twins? So really you'd be saving if you pulled the twins out of childcare whilst you are on maternity (I know that wouldn't be easy but that's my plan anyway to be able to afford a 4th child?) And then by time you go back to work you'd only have the one lot of childcare for this baby?

If I was in your shoes OP, I would have the baby. I haven’t got twins, but I have had two children under two (I was pregnant when DS1 was a year old) you will cope.

From reading your post, it seems you would only be considering a termination to please your DH. That could lead to resentment later on.

Being that you have friends that are also pregnant, how will you feel when they have their babies?

It might not be the best timing but you will manage. Do what’s right for you, and what you want, don’t be pressured into making a decision that doesn’t feel right.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

You will cope with another, but you may well regret the decision for life if you terminate. Then you will resent him for life too, and that will be the end of your marriage.

He wouldn’t definitely end it. He is actually a wonderful, supportive, laid back DH. I think he just wants a break and an easy year after a few really tough years. Doesn’t see the sense in making things harder again.

Mat leave, I get 6 months full pay. DTs would get free childcare from Sept 2023 (April babies so just miss the April 23 cut off), which would coincide with me going back to work. I can’t work out/ haven’t really looked into whether we would get 15 or 30 free hours from Sept 23 but either way it would help. If we moved around to a cheaper place then I wouldn’t have to work/ could cut my hours.

I have 8 (yes 8) friends due in June and July and I feel sad they are all so excited/ partners are excited and I feel like I’m missing out.

Thanks for the support, I’ve felt so alone in this over the last few weeks.

I think it's a really thought situation. Without the loss of your older child I'm sure we'd all be saying keep the baby and your husband will stick around if he's decent otherwise good riddance but that level of emotional strain is huge so it's much more understandable he doesn't feel ready. Could you do some counselling together to work out what the route of his objection is?

And if it's any consolation I'm also due August with a surprise baby my husband is less than thrilled about so do understand where you're coming from. I'm dreading the first 2 years but thinking it'll be worth it for how I see my family in the future.

@Isonthecase we’ve had a lot of counselling in the past - some together and I’ve had a lot alone. I don’t think it’s anymore deep rooted than he doesn’t have the emotional need I do to have another child. He’s happy with the two we have, they are so much fun, and bring us so much joy, he doesn’t want to rock the boat and destabilise things now we’ve finally got to a good place after years of trauma. He held us together when I was suicidal for a long term and I really do want to give his feelings proper consideration on this given I’ve been the focus for so long.

Another surprise Aug baby. Congratulations! Have you registered with a hospital yet?

@Rrrob it's so difficult isn't it? I think the best way to look at it is what decision can you live with because you are the one who has to.
Yes, all booked in now and had some blood tests this week. Now just on the countdown to the scan, hoping that makes it feel a bit more real...

I get that at the planning stage, if he didn't want a child then pregnancy should be avoided.

But you are pregnant now. So if you want the baby but he doesn't, does his opinion mean you have to have an abortion?

That's very extreme, I feel. Almost forced abortion.

He will come round. He will do everything he can to make you have the abortion, but if you stand your ground, he will eventually accept it and very likely go on to be perfectly happy and love this child very much.

Personally I think you should stand your ground. You cannot be effectively coerced into an abortion.