I am writing this thread hoping that I am not judged - more so just looking for anybody who has had similar feelings to me that can share their experience and suggest ways for me to move past what I have been through..
I’ll explain my story. After missing a period in December of last year I wasn’t too put out, my periods have never been regular so I wasn’t very concerned about this. A friend of mine on a whim suggested I take a test just to be sure that I wasn’t pregnant - I laughed off the idea because at 24 I’ve never even had so much as a “pregnancy scare”. I took the test, adamant that it would be negative but of course it wasn’t - I was pregnant. It wasn’t hard to pinpoint the conception because in the last 20 months I had only slept with one person - somebody I had met on a night out - not something I usually do but one thing led to another.. anyway that’s not too important. I was pregnant. My initial feeling was complete shock - then a sense of relief washed over me because I had always feared I was infertile after years of never having any kind scare like I mentioned earlier. In my younger years when I was with boyfriends, we used protection for the most part but like most young people sometimes we were careless and didn’t use anything - I always assumed infertility as a reason for never being ‘caught out’ as such. I know now that was very naive of me but I’m just being completely honest here
When the shock worn off I was terrified. I have only just started a new self employed job, I wasn’t in a relationship with the would be Dad and I just felt completely unprepared to be a mum at this stage of my life. I later discovered through social media that the male in question had a girlfriend - I felt so guilty and used and even more adamant that I couldn’t bring a child into such an unstable situation.
I’m sorry…waffling here - I’ll be more to the point. I told my mum about the pregnancy because I had horrendous morning sickness (later diagnosed as Hyperemisis by my GP) I couldn’t hide it. My mum was amazing, she promised to support me no matter what choice I made - relief washed over me but I still felt like having a baby wasn’t for me at this point in my life.
Fast forward to my appointment with BPAS (at this point I believed myself to be 9 weeks).
My irregular periods meant I needed to be seen for an ultrasound - which measured me at 8 weeks 1 day. “Healthy, viable pregnancy” are some of the words that left the nurses mouth - it gutted me. I started to feel terrible. But after weeks of feeling somewhat sure of my decision combined with my debilitating pregnancy symptoms I left the clinic with medicine to take at home.
On Friday just passed I had the first pill, guilt crept in but so did a sense of relief? Yesterday I had the second & third doses - the day itself was absolutely horrendous - pain like no other - I couldn’t stop crying all day, I feel like it will stay with me forever.
Today, I have woken feeling relieved but very guilty and sad. I feel like I should start to move forward with my life but part of me wants to grieve my loss. But…is it even acceptable for me to feel loss when I made this decision to terminate the potential life?
I’m so confused. I’m sad and just don’t know how to process my emotions. I don’t miss all of the sickness, sadness, breast pain, tiredness but i domiss the idea that I was growing something and it was mine.
Are my feelings valid? I’m so sorry for the essay. If anybody has made it this far and can offer any words - please do. Thank you