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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Extremely Depressed

27 replies

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 10:32

Please please can someone help.

I have found out I am pregnancy with my 3rd child unexpectedly. It appears some antibiotics I was taking have affected my pill over Christmas.

I feel utterly depressed. I can't stop crying and I am finding it hard to get through my days.

I have two beautiful children already who have a very close bond and don't want to affect that.

I had a dramatic birth with my second child and I'm shaking in fear of going through child birth again.

Much older now, almost 40 and are aware risks will have risen.

I have also just started a job which I love.

I don't know what to do. I am so scared and just need a way out.

Please please help as I can't sleep, eat and hate my life 4 days ago I used to love. I spend all day in tears.

My husband wants another baby but I can't cope.

I'm shaking and crying as I write this.

OP posts:

TheVolturi · 09/01/2022 10:35

I'm so sorry you feel like this op. I went through this about 5 years ago. I had two already as well. I made the decision to continue with the pregnancy and I am glad I did as things worked out. But you must do what is right for you, I hope you are OK

MintJulia · 09/01/2022 10:39

The main thing to say is that it's your body and therefore your decision.
If you genuinely don't want another baby at 40 then call bpas and get the process underway. Don't wait, you can discuss with your dh in a week or so but get your appointments booked now.
How will your dh react if you explain that you really can't face it? Will he give up his job and take on the child rearing while you work outside the home?
I think you need to talk it over with someone who is unbiased. There are alternatives. xx

Babdoc · 09/01/2022 10:40

OP, it doesn’t matter what your husband wants. He is not pregnant- you are.
Please go and see your GP and discuss your options. It sounds as though termination would be the sensible choice in your circumstances, and nobody will judge or criticise you if you decide to end the pregnancy.
You need to safeguard your own health, both physical and mental, and you need to consider your existing children and your ability to care for them.
Please don’t guilt trip yourself. You need sympathetic support to make the right choice for you. Best wishes.

Thatldo · 09/01/2022 10:44

OP it is your choice.It very much sounds you want an abortion.please dont take anybody else but yourself into concideration and dont listen to religious quacks.It is your choice and nobòdy elses

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 10:45

Thank You for responding.

I have two girls and they are so close, I'd never forgive myself if I ruined this.

I'd be terrified to tell my employer as I've only had the job just under a year and I don't want to loose it or for people to thing I've Intentionally screwed them over.

I'm so scared of giving birth again and the baby be born with problems.

I'm scared if I don't go through with it, my husband will resent me whether that would be his intention or not.

He said he would give up his job, but I'm worried I'd suffer with guilt as I stayed with the other two.

I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified of having three children. I find two a handful as it is.

The other thing that scares me is I no longer have a network.

With my first I did and my second,.but now all my friends are done and will have kids at school and I'll have no friends at all to keep me company.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 09/01/2022 11:22

OP, you have listed many very valid and sensible reasons for a termination.
The single argument you give for continuing the pregnancy is fear that your husband might “resent” you.
Does that really hold such weight that you are prepared to suffer all the downsides you list? I think a decent husband would be horrified to think you were so afraid of him that you were prepared to wreck your own health and happiness out of fear of his disapproval.

MMMarmite · 09/01/2022 11:35

I think you need to breathe, and take some time to mull it over. Is there anyone you could discuss it with privately without getting pressured one way or the other? Maybe a counselor.

I would say that some of your worries are based on a lot of assumptions. For example, it's not a given that a third child would worsen your daughters' bond, it might make it even stronger. You might feel guilty if your dh were a stay at home parent, or it might work great for your family, and give him an opportunity to experience things that he couldn't before. The birth is obviously a concern, can could you speak to a Dr to get their viewpoint on the risk level?

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 14:43

How long do you think I have before making a decision?

In my last pregnancy, my son got stuck so I am now so so scared of giving birth and birth defects given I'm 39.

I'm terrified of 3 children also as I'm sure one will be left out xx

OP posts:

Serenschintte · 09/01/2022 14:47

You sound very scared. Have you spoken to your DH about all this? Really talked to him. Asked him to look after you and (sounds a bit silly) give you a really big hug and reassure you.
Also go and speak to your GP or midwife. They can help too.

Three children doesn’t mean one is left out.
Very kindly it sounds like you are catastrophising and whatever you decide you would benefit from some mental health support. Prenatal depression is quite common.
Sending you hugs.

Fallagain · 09/01/2022 16:26

You only need one reason for a termination. If you don’t want another baby that’s OK there is a way out of this. The majority of terminations are chosen by women who already have children.

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 16:41

Do you think it's a mean thing to do? I'm just so terrified and then terrified I'll regret it

OP posts:

Fallagain · 09/01/2022 16:48

No I real don’t.

Onatree · 09/01/2022 17:52

I am sorry you are in a this situation. I am confused though -

You say you have two children - two girls - who share a very close bond.

But you also say your last pregnancy involved your son getting stuck, resulting in the dramatic birth you say you had second time?

So you have a son and a daughter then - not two girls?

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 17:58

Sorry no didn't mean to type son, I was ment to type second daughter.

I've got two little girls who are 3 and 4 years old, sorry for the confusion.

My second daughter for stuck ( shoulder dystocia) at birth xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 18:01

I feel really really down.

I feel either way I'll be depressed now, I've even considered taking my own life as a way out.

OP posts:

Onatree · 09/01/2022 18:30

@Hexag0n

I feel really really down.

I feel either way I'll be depressed now, I've even considered taking my own life as a way out.

If you are suicidal - please contact the Samaritans. It’s unlikely that an online forum will be able to provide the sort of specialist help a suicidal person needs.

Onatree · 09/01/2022 18:31

@Hexag0n

Do you think it's a mean thing to do? I'm just so terrified and then terrified I'll regret it

Are you asking people if abortion is a ‘mean thing to do”. I find your wording and turn of phrase a bit strange to be honest.

I hope your situation resolves soon.

Opus17 · 09/01/2022 18:35

Bit strange you've said you have two daughters and then typed "my son". Daughter and son are very different words.

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 18:36

I feel like if I abort the pregnancy it is really really cruel to deny this baby the chance but I just cannot so this.

The cons are huge:

I've only had my new job 7 months.

My two girls have a really close bond and are close to me.

My age is 39, I'll be almost 40 by the time this baby comes.

I'm utterly terrified given my past birth.

I'm terrified the birth will be awful again and I really really don't want to go through it again.

I'm terrified of birth defects as I'm older now.

I'm overweight.

I'm so happy with my life prior to this.

Pros

I wouldn't feel the guilt of living knowing I had terminated a pregnancy

OP posts:

TheVolturi · 09/01/2022 18:49

@Opus17

Bit strange you've said you have two daughters and then typed "my son". Daughter and son are very different words.

It is a very personal thing to post about, I wouldn't blame op for changing minor details so as not to be identified.

UsernameInTheTown · 09/01/2022 18:52

OP Your first and foremost duty is to your DDs, yourself and your now family. If your mental health breaks then you will all suffer immensely.
Personally I would look at what is a complex and incredibly stressful situation. There is a way out, not an easy way out, but an escape route non the less. I will probably get savaged here, but I have been in a very similar situation, whereby a wanted pregnancy had to be ended due my health.
It was mentally hard, but I owed it to my existing DD and myself. I told my DP I lost the baby as I didn't want to feel any pressure from him either way. I eventually told him the truth and he understood.
I feel no guilt at all and the acute sadness faded as our life resumed.

Original poster

Hexag0n · 09/01/2022 19:01

Thank You.

Do you think I should do the same, just pretend it just happened?

Can you have an abortion without it going on your records?

OP posts:

Onatree · 09/01/2022 19:20

But @TheVolturi - it’s not as though the OP has changed minor details. The OP actively said 2 daughters, and then said a son. In the same thread. It’s not like someone is matching this thread to previous threads and finding discrepancies - the OP is a new poster or name changer with this as the only thread from them.

It is the case that the OP has said discrepant things right here in this same thread. And nobody usually types “my son” instead of “my daughter” by mistake do they? If we think of our own DC would we just randomly call our son our daughter or vice Versa?

When posters feel a bit strange about a thread it’s wise to share concerns and/or report to Mn. Those who don’t share these concerns don’t need to do so.

UsernameInTheTown · 09/01/2022 19:22

If you go private it isn't on your records. If you go to an NHS funded clinic they ask for your permission to contact your GP if necessary. Clinics will treat you as long as it is a straightforward case, you don't have any other health problems which could cause problems (I do so had to get an NHS abortion at our local hospital).
They do ask for a next of Kin, which, should you need to, you can use my details as your next of Kin.
Everyone I spoke to on the phone and in real life was lovely, kind, sympathetic and entirely judgement free.
I would never comment on what someone else 'should' do in this situation, but YOU matter, your mental and physical health matters. Sometimes tough choices have to be made and we need to put ourselves first and foremost. This isn't wrong or selfish or awful. Talk to and treat yourself like a caring and loving sister or friend. What would you advise her to do?
Termination does not make you a bad or awful person .

UsernameInTheTown · 09/01/2022 19:25

Do feel free to PM me OP especially if this thread turns unhelpful or damages your mental health.

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