Medical abortion - a lonely wait

[Girlinengland]

Hello,

I found out on Christmas Eve that I’m pregnant. I was in a state of shock and have honestly blocked most of that day out - but as soon as I saw those two lines I knew I needed an abortion before even discussing with my partner. I take the pill religiously and although I’d never missed one, the packet may have expired and I experienced sickness after my booster jab.

I (33) have been with my partner (36) since April and we are v close but not that serious. I do want it to become serious though and we’ve been taking baby steps to get there.

I told him in the evening on Christmas Day and I was hysterical. He’s currently 4 hours away with his family for Christmas. The first thing he said was “how do we fix it” and told me to get an abortion, confirming what I knew. We’ve agreed having a baby right now would be calamitous for our lives right now, but both want kids.

I am going to do this medically (with partner by my side) but the waiting around is the worst and I’ve never, ever felt this lonely. I won’t be able to get the pills before the 7th. The longer it’s left, the more traumatised I feel and the darker my thoughts get. It feels like there’s no way to recover from this - the guilt, the process, the aftermath, everything.

Although he’s been very supportive emotionally, and I know I want to abort, I do wish he’d said he’d support whatever my decision is but he didn’t. Does that make sense? I asked if he hates me and he said he doesn’t, but he “just wants it done.” He’s always been very practical about things.

I don’t expect him to leave his family early at all as it’s Christmas, but I can’t help wishing he’d offered, even though I’d have said no. He won’t be back until the 5th.

I’m grateful for his support. He’s been so caring towards me, but it’s all virtual or by call. I wish I had someone to hug right now. :(

Do you have a friend or family member you can confide in?

Tbh I don't love his response, I think he is not recognising the emotional impact on you at all and it's half his responsibility. He lacks warmth.

Sending you big hugs. Take the time to process what's happening and the reality of being pregnant and ending the pregnancy, even if it's definitely what you want. I think you need to feel the feelings rather than wish them away. [Flowers]

Thanks so much for your response. He is actually being very warm, it’s just a couple of comments have left me feeling frustrated.

I have confided in a couple of friends, but what I want is someone at home with me while I process my lonely thoughts. I just want to be able to get a hug whenever I need one, and right now I can’t :( I usually love my own company but being home alone is torture.

Have you asked him and friends if they can come to see you in person?

Thats sad. I would end the relationship. He isn't very caring and considerate to not even have offered to stay with you. Just leaving you on your own to deal with it.

Why wouldn't you expect him to leave his family Christmas early? Is he really pulling crackers and playing trivial pursuit while you're dealing with this on your own?

Ask a friend. Anyone worth their salt would come.

Do you know how many weeks you are? There's a cut off point for medical abortion, I think its 9 weeks. My ex refused to not go on a camping trip when I was having a medical abortion, it was a really horrible experience exasperated by the fact he was carrying on with his life and having fun. I'd reevaluate the relationship if I was you... I went on to have another babu with this ex, who couldn't be bothered waiting around whilst I was in induced labour and left me to give birth alone, as it was "too boring" and he had "stuff to do". Seriously, reconsider the relationship.

I just think a decent man would say I'll support you whatever you decide and be by your side throughout the whole process. It speaks volumes for the man he is

Been thinking about you OP, I hope you're ok.

Thank you. That’s really kind, the support from strangers has been incredible and so helpful. Im a bit all over the place but I’ve been able to take every day as it comes.

I should have mentioned that my partner currently has Covid, which is why he couldn’t come back He’s been calling and texting a lot and helping with practical advice.

It’s so frustrating that you can be so sure about your decision to have a termination, but yet be consumed with such sadness about it. I’m having pregnancy symptoms and I feel so awful that I’m not nurturing them, but yet so grateful I don’t have to. When I was in the queue buying the tests in Boots and I already knew the test would be positive, I thought “simple, I’ll just have an abortion”, and while my stance hasn’t changed, I didn’t ever realise what a lonely and difficult experience this would be. And that the ‘what if’ niggles never really leave your mind.

Hi OP,
I've only just found your post, and realise by your dates this is probably happening for you now.
I really hope you're doing okay, my thoughts are with you right now.

I had a medical abortion in October and it was a really unpleasant experience. My nhs area won't let you take the pills at home, I had to be hospitalised for a day. I wasn't allowed anyone with me, I was in a cold white room alone. I wasn't allowed to bring my own pain relief and when I asked for some the nurse forgot to bring it. I wasn't allowed a hot water bottle for health and safety reasons. I asked for a blanket but it never came. And I wasn't allowed to use the toilet, everything had to be done in bedpans so they could inspect it. It was one of the most dehumanising experiences of my life. I ended up lodging a complaint asking them to update their protocols.

From your post it sounds like you've been given tablets to take away, so I really hope you're in the comfort of your own home with people around to comfort and support you. I'm sure you feel awful right now but it won't last forever.
If it's any comfort there's some stranger on the internet wanting to give you a big hug right now!