Too late. What to do now?

[Fuzzyhippo]

This has been very difficult for me to post but I hope someone can give me some reassurance that everything will be okay.

Bit of my background, I'm 23 been in a relationship for 6yrs with 33yo DP. We don't live together, he lives at home as his elderly DF lives alone so he's there to keep an eye on him as he's been having a few health problems. I live with grandparents as had a DS at 17 who my mum now has custody of, so had to move in with nan due to space and not getting on with mum. I have been diagnosed with asd since I was very young, about 3yo but I do believe it's pretty mild but I also suffer from severe depression which has caused me to attempt to end my life a few times this year already which I didn't receive any help with apart from tablets. This makes it very difficult for me to find a job as I left school in year 5, few small courses done at college but no further education due to how depressed I've always been, guessing due to the asd. I sleep atleast 15 hours a day from how bad it's getting, the anxiety I experience is crippling to the point I can't leave the house for days on end at times.

Unfortunately in September I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't had a period since August. I got put on a new pill but they said I had to have a weeks break which I wasn't aware in that time you could get pregnant (very stupid of me I know). I was too anxious to contact anyone about it including the clinic because I knew I couldn't look after a baby since I wasn't able to at 17. I also had a termination at 17 weeks 2 years ago due to severe mental health at the time but things have very slightly improved by then, but I'm still in the same position living at home under 1000 in my bank account. Everyone were supportive and were prepared for me to keep the pregnancy but I got pushed over the edge and went ahead with it. I had to travel 300+ miles to the closest clinic that did late term medical.

This is going to sound really bad but the fact that my only option is D&C as I'm over 15 weeks now I believe. I have a scan on Thursday and I'm dreading it so much. Part of me wants to continue but the logical part is saying I can't. Can someone give me advice on what happens with a D&C in case that's what's offered. I'm heartbroken and looking into getting sterilised very soon after this as family have been pushing for me to do it for since I had ds.

Like I said I'm so broken and torn, I really don't want to be judged but I feel so lost and selfish. I've started self harming again because of the pressure of it all...

Just to clarify when I said too late, I meant for the medical option. The thought of surgical keeps me up at night and I really couldn't go through with that. And that fact that I had my late term done with bpas who are no longer funded in my area. It's now with msi who only do medicals up until 10 weeks I think

Can you talk to your mum and she support you to raise your own dc?

@gogohm

Can you talk to your mum and she support you to raise your own dc?

No I don't have much contact with my mum as she's raising my son that I had when I was 17. It would be unfair of me to ask her for any more help as I've been selfish enough to put her through the trouble of DS. He also doesn't know me well at all, to him she's his mum and I'm known to him by my first name. I've spoken to them about it as I can't help but feel it'll become confusing to him once he's older

I've had two D&Cs in the last twelve months due to miscarriage. I was terrified the first time but honestly it was nothing each time.

They gave me paracetamol while I got into the hospital gown. I signed consent paperwork. They wheeled me to the OR. Started the meds to put me to sleep. I got a bit groggy. Then I woke up about an hour later and home an hour after that. A bit of nausea like carsickness on the drive home from the anesthetic but nothing major. The first one in the days after I'd occasionally have like a period like crampy pinch. The second I had none of that and was up as normal the next day. Neither did I have any real pain with.

I hope you're okay and I hope that helped a bit. I assume you'll be put under?

@Rtmhwales

I've had two D&Cs in the last twelve months due to miscarriage. I was terrified the first time but honestly it was nothing each time.

They gave me paracetamol while I got into the hospital gown. I signed consent paperwork. They wheeled me to the OR. Started the meds to put me to sleep. I got a bit groggy. Then I woke up about an hour later and home an hour after that. A bit of nausea like carsickness on the drive home from the anesthetic but nothing major. The first one in the days after I'd occasionally have like a period like crampy pinch. The second I had none of that and was up as normal the next day. Neither did I have any real pain with.

I hope you're okay and I hope that helped a bit. I assume you'll be put under?

Thank you for sharing your experience, I've been looking on Google but couldn't find much about what actually happens. Although I really don't think I could cgo down that route, I'll have to discuss the options on Thursday. I am absolutely in love with this baby and know I'll do my absolute best but a part of me feels it will get taken away if I kept it

Was your son placed with your mum by social services or was it a private arrangement between yourselves?
What does your partner think, is he supportive?
What is making you think that the baby would be taken away?

I think you need to work through your fears logically.
I hope you're ok

@Ihearthosesleighbellsringing

Was your son placed with your mum by social services or was it a private arrangement between yourselves? What does your partner think, is he supportive? What is making you think that the baby would be taken away?

I think you need to work through your fears logically.
I hope you're ok

It was done by agreement by me and mum, then the family courts but I wasn't allowed in the courtroom. Partner is supportive, he said he doesn't want me to terminate.

I feel it'll get taken away because they'll think I'm unable to cope and look after it due to my asd and not having my son in my care. I honestly don't know anyone who's been in this position so it's hard to think what might happen. When I was pregnant last time I got told by my gp that there's absolutely zero support for disabled and mentally ill mums, he said it was the brutal truth and that I'd be best to terminate. I think I was about 13 weeks when he told me that.

I just find it so hard to think things through as I overthink everytime. I don't know what to do

You were a child last three, and are an adult now. That's a huge difference. You are in a steady long-term relationship with someone who can give you support. You are likely to need to have some involvement with SS given your history, but it sounds like you are in a much better position to parent now, which they will see.

You say that you love this baby, in which case, perhaps you should give it a chance? Could you move in with your partner? You clearly already think of it as a baby, in which case, the reality of what a D&C would mean for it is likely not lost on you.

Those isn't a situation where you've had half a dozen babies removed. It was one, when you were a child. Your deserve to be able to have a family, and it sounds as if you do have some support.

Your GP misinformed you. Legally Adult Social Services have a responsibility to do an assessment at your request which includes an assessment of your parenting needs. They're then required to put a care package in place.

In practice, they would be more likely to fly than do this and would claim it was a matter for children's services-who would probably threaten to put you on a protection plan etc.

The Equality Commission or Centre for Human Rights have lawyers who can get involved and be on standby. Just knowing this is the case is often enough to make social services cough up a care package.

I would contact the organisations mentioned above and explain you will need support to raise the child. I would also contact Home Start as everyone will tell you to do so. It's not a panacea, they will offer one volunteer for one morning but that's something! I'd also make your MP aware at the first opportunity if there is any refusal to carry out an assessment of your needs in general and parenting needs by adult social services. The Parents with Disabilities charity is also helpful.

Having said all that, only you know if you can manage, even with support. You don't sound like you want a termination but this is an awful decision for you as the circumstances are so far from ideal. Your partner sounds reliable, if he's good at caring for a parent, but would he able to take on parenting duties as well and have baby for regular overnights? That would be vital. How has he been with your ill health and is he truly functional? I do wonder if adoption may be easier to consider but fully accept it might be harder.

So I had a scan on Thursday and I'm only measuring 9 weeks and 1 day. I haven't had a period since August so have no idea what's going on with my body. I'm wondering if maybe baby stopped growing but the clinic didn't say anything, just that I'm 9 weeks and that I could have the pills.

So I took the first one on the day of the scan, so Thursday. I have a family gathering tomorrow so I was going to take the second set in the evening which would be 3 days since the mifepristone. I'm getting really bad cramps, no bleeding but can't keep anything down at all as my sickness is so severe. Can't remember feeling like this with mifepristone before so maybe it's just all in my head