Apologies if I've posted this in the wrong place. I have no one to speak to about this in real life so hopefully there are people on here that may be able to relate and provide some advice.
Almost 10 years ago I had an abortion. I found out about the pregnancy at 9 weeks so a surgical abortion was the only option and this was scheduled for 3 weeks later, when I was 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
I am from the UK but at the time I was 26 and living in Australia. The father was a friend of a friend, but certainly not someone I was or would be in a relationship with.
As soon as I saw the positive result on the pregnancy test, my immediate thought "I can't have a baby". I was broke, far away from all my family and couldn't see how I could make it work; I could either have the baby and stay in Australia without the support of family and friends or move home to have the baby, meaning that it would be on the other side of the world to its father, and be a single mum. My job was in Aus so moving home meant I would have had to find a job while pregnant and move back in with my parents for support.
But all of the above aside, I knew deep down that I wanted the baby. Speaking to friends at the time, there was always an assumption that I wouldn't go through with having the baby and I do feel that those conversations heavily affected my choice. Looking back, I wish so so much that I had spoken to a counsellor who could have helped me to work through all possible options.
Now, it is 10 years later. This time in 2011 I was pregnant (although I didn't know yet) and on Feb 3rd 2012, I had the abortion.
I thought that was the worst day of my life at the time but the days that followed were agony. I remember waking up the following morning, anaesthesia having worn off, and feeling gut-wrenchingly sad. It was literally physical pain from sadness, regret and anger at myself. I lived with a friend at the time and I remember sitting on the sofa crying my eyes out and being told "ah you did the right thing, you'll be fine". I spent the following few months isolating myself from everyone. Nothing anyone said helped. I felt so alone and like no one cared. I missed being pregnant and most of all I missed my baby (I know it wasn't helpful to refer to it as "my baby" but that's how I felt. It was my baby and it wasn't here because of me. That is something I couldn't and still find painfully difficult to deal with.
Over the following years, it did get easier. I moved back to the UK (Australia felt tainted then and I just couldn't bear to be there anymore). I've always found pregnancy a difficult topic to discuss and would try to avoid situations where I get triggered e.g. baby showers, etc., and this for the most part has helped.
Recently however, things have gotten worse. I'm suddenly back to feeling how I did in those days after the abortion 10 years ago and I'm struggling really badly with it. People around me are pregnant and it's a constant topic of discussion. I cant tell anyone how I'm feeling because I would never want to take away from their joy and excitement and I am genuinely happy for them. My triggers are my own and I'm not about to put that on others but it's so hard. I've never felt so alone in my life, even in a room full of people.
I'm now in a position where if I got pregnant it would be fine. I would be financially able to handle it, even by myself, and wouldn't need as much support, so I'm thinking I should have had that baby and it would have worked out in the end and now I'd have a beautiful 9 year old child. That thought breaks my heart every day.
I'd like to point out that this is not a post encouraging others not to have an abortion. I am 100% pro choice and believe everyone has the right to do what they feel is best for them, and deep down, although it hurts, I do think I did what was best at the time.
Im wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience with the grief getting easier and then resurfacing years later? Has anyone experienced triggers like those I've mentioned above and if so how do you manage them?
Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated. I am also looking in to speaking to a counsellor and for anyone reading this that might be struggling with a choice right now, I would strongly advise speaking to a counsellor first if you are in any way unsure. Thank you for reading if you've managed to get this far. Apologies for the essay.