Please help me, pregnant after recurrent miscarriage and DH left

[layna12]

Hello

I don't really know where to start.

My Husband and I were together for a very long time, childhood sweethearts and married when we were 21. We lost 13 babies together over 9 years and hoped and longed for a baby.

However, we were having a year out of trying due to my mental health being not so good this year. Out of the blue in October, he left me. Said he couldn't deal with my depression anymore and he wanted out. For background, I am one of the lucky ones who was still able to work full time etc even at my worst as I know some people struggle to even get out of bed with depression.

When he left, I had a mental breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric unit for my depression and anxiety for 2 months. He started visiting about 3 weeks in, and then visited every Friday pushing the fact we were not together but he still wanted to sleep with me. I know I'm an idiot. I just wanted him back. Since being away I've learned a lot about how strong I am and how I do not need him, he never supported me during my grief or depression in any way.

Fast forward to now and I've found out I'm just over 3 weeks pregnant BUT something feels different this time, I'm being sick, super strong lines and my boobs are very sore, something I never had in previous pregnancies and I've just got a feeling this one is meant to be.

However, we are separated and he does not want to be with me. I have been looking into abortion but I feel so incredibly guilty and sad. I lost all those babies I longed for and now I'm pregnant and in utter chaos, living in my dads box room whilst I get myself sorted etc.

I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet. If I keep the baby, I will tell him after 12 week scan when I reach the "safe zone" as I've lost all the babies between 6-10 weeks. If I sway more the other way, of course I will tell him so he can agree to that, it's his child too in my eyes.

My head is such a mess and how could I even be contemplating getting rid of this baby when we spent so so long crying, the heartache, the loss, the despair when tests show nothing is wrong.

I face two options, raising a child by myself whilst in the process of a divorce or aborting and carrying on with my life as I know it now.

I really am stuck and feel sick with anxiety (and the pregnancy) x

God what a rollercoaster you've been on! He sounds AWFUL. Trying to get you to sleep with him when you were recovering! Disgusting behaviour.

Have you booked counselling regarding your options with this pregnancy? If not, do it as soon as possible OP.

When you think about having a baby alone, what is the most frightening part of it for you?

Are you still employed?

@FortunesFave honestly I think I'm just trying to ignore the fact I'm pregnant (although not drinking alcohol).

I handed in my notice so that I could take a few months out and get my life back in order.

Just awful situation and I feel so ungrateful for carrying this life x

Oh my heart goes out to you

Is your dad supporting you? Are you working? Why did you leave where the two of you before splitting up?

You’ve got time, you don’t need to tell anyone, least of all your ex, and you don’t have to make any decisions yet.

After what you’ve been through I can’t imagine considering not continuing with your pregnancy but only you know whether your mental health will be up to going it on your own and how the practicalities would work.

Your ex is bad news. He’s treated you appallingly.

Hi, OP. I couldn’t read and run.

I’m so sorry for your previous losses .

You are so strong to have been able to work through such a tough time and come out of the other side.

Is there anyone you can turn to for support in real life? Either a friend/ family member or a therapist? No one can make this decision for you, but I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you decide to do.

Theres no right thing to do here.
Do you want to have a baby? Are you willing to have one on your own? Theres nothing wrong with starting out from your Dad's box room IF that's what you want.
Have you spoken to anyone about being given progesterone in early pregnancy? Any specialist referrals for past miscarriages?

The most frightening part for me is raising a child alone who deserves a Mum and Dad in a happy household. I KNOW for certain that I can do it, I truly believe I was made to be a mother and I long for a baby in my arms but this is not the right circumstances.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert my Dad and stepmum are a great support system to me and I love them very much.

That's why I'm struggling so much, all those babies I grieved and felt so so much sadness, unbearable sadness over losing. I feel like a terrible person x

@Just10moreminutesplease thank you x

I honestly don't want to tell anyone right now, I do not want anyone who knows me or loves me clouding my judgement with this choice x

You’re not a terrible person!

What support do you have with your depression and anxiety?

Are you on any meds you should discuss with your GP as you’re pregnant?

@SylvanianFrenemies I would love to be a mother, I thought it was ruled out for me and I'd never get there with a healthy pregnancy.

I have tried everything from progesterone, to blood thinning injections, aspirin and prescription folic acid 5mg x

I think you sound like you would bitterly regret having a termination in these circumstances. Of course two parents together is ideal but many children grow and thrive without this. I am sure you could do it.

3 weeks - this is still a total shock. I second the PP who suggested counselling. Also, I know that it is unusual to talk about pregnancies in the early days, but in this instance I think it may be beneficial for you to talk this through with a trusted friend. You have a few weeks to figure this out. Either way, I think the main thing to solve for is what sort of mental and family support you’ll have in place, baby or no baby. Best of luck to you!

I'm not trying to convince you either way but a child can have a happy home with one parent. Lots do. However, your mental health must take priority....that's why you need the counselling. Absolutely nothing wrong with living with your Dad for a while if that's ok for you. If he's a loving Dad to you, then that's as good a place as any to be. There's no shame in needing to be with our parents as adults....too much emphasis is placed on us moving on alone in today's society when actually, extended family can be the perfect place to be.

My sister in law had a child alone and lives with her Dad...has done since before she was pregnant. She has no intention of moving out because they'd have a much harder life that way....she earns a low wage.

I'm so sorry for all that's happened to you. How completely awful.
If you are continuing with the pregnancy, go to your GP. See if they can help. As you've had so many losses I wonder if you need additional progesterone or baby aspirin etc.
I've had several losses and eventually found out it was due to my blood clotting therefore need aspirin and blood thinning injections during pregnancy.
Whatever you decide, I really hope you have the happy experience you deserve. X

@Heruka

I think you sound like you would bitterly regret having a termination in these circumstances. Of course two parents together is ideal but many children grow and thrive without this. I am sure you could do it.

I didn't want to say this but I do agree. Having a child alone is definitely very, very hard...but many women do it and succeed.

If it's not right for you it is ok to have an abortion.

But really, a baby doesn't need a certain, picture-perfect family set up. It just needs love, which it sounds like you and your family can offer in abundance.

[quote layna12]@SylvanianFrenemies I would love to be a mother, I thought it was ruled out for me and I'd never get there with a healthy pregnancy.

I have tried everything from progesterone, to blood thinning injections, aspirin and prescription folic acid 5mg x[/quote]
Probably a good idea to get back on these for now at least.

You can do it alone if that's what you want op, you've longed for this baby. You're current circumstances are only temporary

I think if you abort, and you don't manage to later carry a pregnancy, you'll always wonder if this is the one that would have stuck.

You've tried so much, and lost so many babies, that I'd just see what fate has in store. It may be that this one isn't too be, but at least you will have made that choice, but equally, if this baby can make it, then I think you'd give it a live full of love.