Unplanned pregnancy, considering abortion.

[Serenbach14]

Hello

So, I've found myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in and would be so grateful for any advice, we have been 'safe' since the birth of our daughter 3.5 years ago however I have just found out that I am now 2-3 weeks pregnant.

We have 2 children already and never wanted more than 2, my pregnancy first time round was difficult resulting in a 2 week hospital admission with kidney problems and my second was awful in terms of sickness, SPD and my labour was traumatic.

My partner works a LOT of hours and by default... everything falls on me, the school runs, the uniforms / lunch boxes / organising childcare / arranging my annual leave around the holidays. I also work full time as a nurse and our childcare options are limited aside from my mum who is not getting any younger. Until our daughter started school in September (my son is in full time school) our childcare bills are on average £600, because we both work full time we do not get any help with childcare so essentially during the holidays we will be looking at paying similar amounts again, it feels like a second mortgage just to be able to go to work.

Organising childcare has caused me so much stress over the years and especially with COVID and us both being key workers. I couldn't begin to imagine 6 weeks of the summer holidays finding childcare provisions for 2 older children and a baby and still try to hold down a job.

I have also just been offered a new job which I am due to start in January, a pregnancy would mean that I wouldn't be able to accept this job as it is inpatient nursing which is patient facing and from what I can read after a certain point in pregnancy you can not work in patient facing / clinical roles. It was a competetive job interview and I feel awful that I would have been offered it over someone else who could be dedicated to the role. I wouldnt even know how to broach this with my new manager as not only would I only be able to work up until the end of 2nd trimester, I would then be looking at 9 /12 months maternity where they would have to find cover for.

We are also due to get married next year (30th august) and estimated due date would be 15th August, all the deposits ect have been paid and we were planning on taking the children to Disney land. I know that losing deposits and rearranging the wedding isnt the end of the world and I know that if I needed to we can. However I just feel that 3 children is never what we wanted, I feel that our lives are finally getting somewhat easier after having 2 children that just did not sleep for years. Our daughter can still be difficult if we have days out and try to do anything and I just cant imagine being on my own with 3 children and her having a full blown meltdown like she often does. I spend my weekends rushing around taking them to rugby, football swimming ect and I struggle enough as it is with bringing my daughter along let alone with a newborn and surviving of very little sleep again.

I feel so selfish in thinking about an abortion, and I know I am thinking of it from a practical point of view rather than with my heart but financially I dont know how we would do it. Also, I feel like the sacrifice is on my part not by partners as it would be my career that I took years to train to do would be over, I cant see how in terms of childcare I would ever be able to return to full time work again even when they would all be in school as they spend so much of the year on holidays / inset days ect.
The wedding is not such a big deal as I know things could be rescheduled and we may just lose out on some money. Its more a case of I do most of the parenting alone due to his work commitments, his family have not been much support at all over the last 7 years in the way of childcare and my mum also works and helps with my nephews so can only do so much in temrs of picking up after school/ nursery.

I keep thinking forward to being heavily pregnant, in the height of summer with painful SPD like I had last time and trying to entertain 2 children on my own.

I feel like I would have so much guilt going through with a termination and its never been something I thought I would ever be comfortable with. I would also hate to feel that I wouldn't bond with this baby if I did go through with the pregnancy due to how i'm feeling at the moment and about the reality that I couldn't accept this new job which I worked so hard to get! I also feel angry at the system that where I live, there is so few childcare providers and most of them are booked up so far in advance and so expensive I dont know if returning to work after maternity leave would even be an option for me.

My mind is just going at 100mph, and the physical symptoms of sickness and sore breasts are making this reality impossible to put to the back of my mind. I had convinced myself when I found out that a medical termination would be the best route and that if I can do it as early as possible it may not be as traumatic. I however can not get an appointment until Monday 20th (i've tried NHS and private and even clinics over 2 hour drive away). I feel in a weird way that being made to wait is the universes way of telling me maybe i'm not making the right decision and maybe I need to think this through a bit more.

I am also painfully aware that if I take this appointment and receive the medication to have a home termination, I will have take the second dose 3 days before Christmas, alone at home with 2 children unless I wait until 6pm when my partner is home.

If anyone has any advice or has been through anything similar I would love to hear as I am really not 100% convinced that I can go through with a termination (I think I will be approx 5-6 weeks when I can have it). It feels that if I go through with it, life will never be the same. Every pregnant lady I see, every newborn baby and everytime someone asks 'would you have any more' will just be a painful reminder and with it being so close to Christmas, it feel like it would be a reminder every year that we had made a decision to abort a pregnancy when this time next year, we could have 3 children sitting opening presents.

I struggled both times with post partum depression and intrusive thoughts which I still struggle with and am actually having CBT at the moment for my intrusive thoughts and fears that something terrible is going to happen to the children, I felt tortured by these thoughts during my last pregnancy and was so convinced of these that I woudnt even take labels off baby clothes to put in my hospital bag as I was so convinced that something would go badly and we wouldn't be able to bring her home.

Sorry that this is so long, I haven't spoke to anybody apart from my partner about this and its weighing so heavy on my mind right now.

Thank you x

Neither option makes you selfish.

Practical thinking is what's needed here, very few people would opt to abort based on their heart so let your head lead you.

Think about what this would mean for your family as they are now and whether you could maintain a comfortable life for them and another baby.

Now think whether you would be happy going through another pregnancy and raising a 3rd child.

You aren't being selfish OP. 5 years ago I found out I was pregnant when my youngest was a week off being 1. I thought about the impact on myself, mu DH and our existing 4 children if we had another and it would have been a negative one all round. I went for a termination, it was quick and painless and I've not regretted it since.

Hand hold, OP 💕 You are not selfish at all.
My partner and I had an accident around this time last year. We opted for a termination and I felt nothing but relief. I was supported the entire way (by both my partner and the midwife - I had pills by post). It was actually quite a positive experience if that makes sense.
BPAS were great.
The process itself was quick and painless - nothing worse than a period for me.

Whatever option you choose you are not selfish, please use this space to talk if you need to xx

I just want to wrap you in a blanket and wave a wand over you and take it all away.

You are not selfish. You need to make a practical decision and there is so much there tipping the balance, not least your mental health.

I am so sorry you are in this position.

Thank you everyone who has replied, I have my initial appointment at 10.00 tomorrow and still feel torn in some ways but reading the replies, I think the feeling of guilt and selfishness are shifting a little bit as I know that potentially going through with the termination might be the better option for me and my family at this moment in time.

Hi OP, wishing you all the best of luck. If you do go ahead know that those feelings of guilt will lessen further and further as time goes on. I know I don't speak for everyone, but I know thst when I look at my children now and think about the impact on their quality of life having another would have been, I know I did the best thing for all of us. Merry Christmas OP

This sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place. Can you speak to your husband and get him to share some of your responsibilities? Can he work less hours and take on more childcare? Can he use shared parental leave so you can go back to work?

Read Fed Up by Gemma Hartley. It’s no wonder you don’t want another when you’re already doing such a tremendous amount of work and it’s going to mean you lose out on your career. It’s you the one worrying about the effect on your family and your life. I wonder if he’s posting on a forum for advice somewhere. I doubt it. This is not all on you. If he took on more responsibility maybe another one wouldn’t be such a burden.

Sorry OP I didn’t see your update. You need to do what’s right for you and your family.

You’ve been through so much with your health during your pregnancies and PND afterwards. Don’t feel bad for putting your and your family’s wellbeing first.

Thank you all, I haven't spoke about this with anyone so really appreciate the support and not feeling judged.

As time has gone on (it was a 2 week wait for tomorrow's appointment) and the morning sickness/ tiredness has gotten worse to the point I'm being sick doing something like brushing my teeth now its made me feel more like a termination is going to be best for us.

I think what I'm finding hard is that although he's not saying it, I know if I was to go ahead with this pregnancy my partner would be pleased. @black2black I really appreciate the solidarity and I often feel like all I do is complain about my current mental load of being a working mum, I've had lots of conversations with him in the past but he's self employed and it's pretty much non negotiable that I do every school run and keep up with the ridiculous amount of school emails, organising childcare during holidays, taking them to various weekend sports/activities. He gets home later than me so cooking dinner falls on me too. I know these are all things that in a way I signed up to doing when I became a mum but its a lot with just 2 children let alone throwing in a difficult pregnancy, a new born and being sleep deprived for the best part of 2 years as I've never had much luck on the sleep side of things with either babies.

I enjoy my job as a nurse and am looking forward to my new job starting in the new year and as selfish as it sounds, I don't think I want to take another career break.

It sounds as if having another baby now would totally mess your life up, and ruin your career. In your position, I would have a termination and not feel at all guilty about it. Good luck OP - I hope you make the decision that you are happy with.

Ah @Serenbach14. I’m sorry you find yourself in this position.
I’ve had a termination this year. I personally regret it but that is only me. I also don’t have any children so obviously slightly different situation to you. I think about it a lot and it blows my mind.

I had pre abortion Counselling. The counsellor I spoke with said “you don’t have to agree with what you are doing but perhaps know it’s for the best in your situation”. That definitely was the case for me.

He also said to go for the decision that feels lighter and brighter and less dark. Again, at the time that was for termination.

I hope you find peace with your choice. Only you can make it.
Take care.xx