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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Boyfriend left me whilst pregnant and wondering whether to carry on?

34 replies

MNF2021 · 10/12/2021 13:31

Recently found out I am pregnant. My boyfriend at the time when we found out was very supportive and was over the mean - claiming this could be the best thing ever! Things quickly changed as well as his view and ultimately it led to him saying it’s now not the right timing - talk about getting my hopes up!
9 weeks into my pregnancy, he has left me - practically ignored me and slept with someone else so you can imagine how hurt I am.
I am wondering whether it’s right to continue with my pregnancy when someone has shown me their true colours and if I am emotionally upset and stressed out now what will it be like with a baby? Please help!

OP posts:

Saoirsesersha · 10/12/2021 13:34

Forget the ex for a moment. If you want the baby, keep it but make sure you don’t put him on the birth certificate. Having the baby doesn’t mean you’ll have to be involved with your ex

AwkwardPaws27 · 10/12/2021 13:36

The only question is, do you want a baby now, & are you prepared to be a single parent.

He's a dick, but you know that. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide is right for you.

Gretaburley · 10/12/2021 13:37

Think what's right for you.
It's your body and your decision to make.

Whentheleavesfalldown · 10/12/2021 13:38

There’s lots of things to consider.
Don’t hold out on him coming back to you being the doting partner/parent.
Think if you are prepared to do this completely on your own and without any support from him at all, perhaps with the hope of a small financial contribution through CMS which is pitiful at best

IgneousRock · 10/12/2021 13:38

OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you think this is the right time for you to have a baby?

Aprilx · 10/12/2021 13:41

Assume he is gone (he is). And think only about yourself and whether this is the right time for you and whether you want it.

Cocomarine · 10/12/2021 13:41

Only you can decide this - sorry to sound trite, but it’s true.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to go into having a child on my own financially and I certainly wouldn’t want the tie to someone like him.
So I would most likely terminate.

If you can afford a child on your own (and I’m thinking beyond maternity leave and into the childcare expenses of a young child) and / or you are confident of secure maintenance from him, or you have enough for it not to matter, then financial concerns might not be part of your decision making.

But for me, finance aside, it’s a bigger issue of not wanting that tie. And I know there are no guarantees - I’m a single parent myself!

I’m sharing that I think my decision would be termination not because I think that should be your decision too. But because I want you to know that people do make that decision - and that’s OK.

Good luck with your decision, and I’m sorry you have been treated like this 😕

44PumpLane · 10/12/2021 13:42

It depends where you are in your life and how you feel about the baby and how able you are to support yourself and the child.

Personally I would not wish to keep a child in the circumstances (so early in pregnancy, knowing I would be a single parent as I know I would struggle) but that is my personal thought on what I would do for me-I am only stating what I would do so that you know that whatever you choose is right.

You have to consider what is best for you and your circumstances.

Whatever you decide, I hope you make whatever the right choice is for your circumstances, and if you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy then I wish you all the best, and if you choose not to go ahead then I wish you all the best.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 10/12/2021 13:56

It is very hard to have a baby and raise it alone.

What is your employment ?

Can you afford childcare?

How stable is your housing?

Is there a good scool near you?

You have a lot of thinking to do, don't wing it. It is hard raising children, it costs a lot of money, and can be lonely. I say that as a person doing it with a partner.

Original poster

MNF2021 · 10/12/2021 13:58

Thank you for all the comments support. I do have a 12 year and NO support network. I have raised her on my own since she was 2 and it’s been hard and painful. So I feel like I would be rewinding my life all over again with someone who is not going to be there throughout my pregnancy and prioritises sleeping with others 🥲

OP posts:

Original poster

MNF2021 · 10/12/2021 14:00

Thank you so much for your words. I am in the mindset that to get a termination would be the right thing to do but I can’t help but feel so Guilty about it!

OP posts:

lockdownalli · 10/12/2021 14:03

So sorry you are in this position OP.

You must do whatever is right for yourself and your DD.

Lovelymincepies · 10/12/2021 14:04

I have a 12 year old that I have raised on my own with no support from the father. I do have a great mother that does all my childcare and it has still been hard and stressful.
There is no way I would put myself or my 12 year old child through bringing up another child single handed again. It will impact both your lives and life is so hard as it is.
Its your choice but don't feel guilty about doing something that puts you and your 12 year old first.

maddening · 10/12/2021 14:06

I did get pg just out of uni, v new bf not interested, I was not ready to be a mum, financially it would have been awful, did not feel ready without support of a partner, had a termination, totally the right thing for me.
Bf turned out to be an alcoholic abusive narcissist so lucky escape as I would have been tied to him for my child's life, it would have been awful. I am a loving mum to my wonderful ds now, that decision was right at that point in my life.

Don't worry about guilt, don't worry about the ex, just work out the best situation for you.

Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2021 14:10

How do you feel about doing it on your own?
Plus you will always have a link to your ex, who does t sound very nice
You don’t need to feel guilty if you terminate, if it’s not the right time for you to be a Mother then that’s ok

Elisemum · 10/12/2021 14:12

I’m really sorry you have been treated this way.
You have a child already so you know what it takes- so at least you can make an informed decision.
Unfortunately only you can decide:(
It also largely depends on whether you have a supporting parents who would be able to help you.
Doing it on your own- god it’s so tough. All single parents are this worlds real superheroes to me!

CurtainTroubles · 10/12/2021 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Chamomileteaplease · 10/12/2021 14:16

Yes I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to be back where you started when you had your first child . Especially as she is no doubt getting more independent.

Also, this loser boyfriend may decide to pop in and out of your life for the next 18 years - do you really want that?

Try not to feel guilty - terminations are available for a reason. Look after yourself .

CagneyNYPD1 · 10/12/2021 14:17

Your DD is at an age where she will need you less on a practical level over the coming years. But she will need you much, much more on an emotional level.

Do what is right for you. Do not consider the needs/wants of the Bag of Shite that has fucked off. Only think about what you want and the needs of your DD.

If you do decide to end the pregnancy, don't be surprised if Bag of Shite tries to come crawling back. He's proved himself to be a failure as a partner, tell him to jog on.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 14:17

Unpopular opinion but if I knew I would be raising my children alone without any contact from their “father” then I wouldn’t have had them, he is fully absent and no involvement at all so don’t hope he will change his mind, life has been very tough and knowing what I know now it’s not a something I would have actively set out to do from the get go.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/12/2021 14:20

It’s entirely up to you, and whether you want this baby. If you want it, you already know you’ll cope alone (work entirely on the basis that you will be) but equally it’s perfectly valid jot to want to do that.

Having a termination does look like the best option from the outside looking in, but only you know how you’ll feel about it. No shame in it if you do! I think it’s our instinct as mammals to want to continue with any pregnancy (even aside from the societal pressure that we know exists, “pro lifers” - or pro birthers as they should be called - and all that jazz), but there’s nothing wrong with overriding that instinct and doing whats right for you and your existing child. After, our instinct isn’t always right!

Motheroftigers · 10/12/2021 14:24

If you were my dd I would advise you to have a termination as you will be tying that baby to a life time of utter disappointment and stress for you.

You have no family support.

Don't feel guilty, you are making a very sensible decision.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/12/2021 14:33

Don’t feel guilty.
Think about what is best for you and for your 12 year old.

PeanuttyButter · 10/12/2021 14:34

You have to do what's right for you. Under no circumstances would I take him back though and make that clear. You need to do what you do for YOU and this baby and nobody else.

theSunday · 10/12/2021 14:44

it sounds like you have made your mind up? Do what your intuition tells you. A pregnancy counsellor can support you come to a decision.

And definitely do what’s best for you and DD….Leaving a teenager to grow up with limited attention isn’t great IMO

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