Termination next week and I really don't want to do it

[FlamingoYellow]

I will be 8+5 and have to do it at home because they told me I wouldn't be able to get a surgical termination until after Christmas and I know if I wait that long I won't be able to go through with it as I'll be too emotionally attached.

Last year my pregnancy with my ex ended in a fairly traumatic way at 4 months - the baby had a lot wrong with him. Ex and I ended up breaking up soon after. Our dcs and I moved into a 1 bed flat as it's all I could afford. The flat has all these damp problems and my youngest has developed a chronic cough since we moved in, not sure if it's related. I'm putting all my energy into working out a way to get us out of here next year.

I've been dating an old friend of mine and the baby is his. We were using contraception but it obviously failed. I can't bring a baby into an overcrowded damp flat but I also can't afford to move just yet. If I didn't already have dcs I could move in with the baby's father, but I obviously can't do that to them so soon after my split from their father AND add a new sibling into the mix on top of all that. Plus it would be awful for my ex for me to have another baby so soon after the last pregnancy ended.

So I can see without question that a termination is my only option but I'm so, so upset about it. I feel very bonded to the baby already. I feel incredibly guilty that I'm getting rid of a perfect healthy baby after everything that happened with my poorly baby last year. I know it's not thinking/feeling anything but I keep ascribing all these feelings and emotions to my unborn baby. I feel like I'm killing/hurting my child on purpose. I know that's not logical because I would never think that about someone else seeking a termination but that is how I feel about myself.

If you don’t want the termination, then please don’t do it. You can work things out.

Do you live in council or private accommodation?

Move in with the father and have this baby. You want the baby so keep it. Also seek advice from Shelter regarding the damp as this is unacceptable especially with children living there and in your condition.

Your children are better of in a safe, hazard free environment with you and your new partner then in your current accommodation.

@Jacaranda75

If you don’t want the termination, then please don’t do it. You can work things out.

Do you live in council or private accommodation?

I agree. I have many friends who have had a termination, two of them really didn’t want to but felt that they should, and they are the ones who have been affected long term by that choice and deeply regret it.

Why could you not move in with your old friend? Presumably your children know him? Do you see a future with him? You’re the parent and your children will look to you for how you frame things. If you believe that moving in with your new partner would bring your children stability and happiness then you can do that and tell them that’s what it will bring them. You take actions and own your decisions when you’re confident you’re doing the right thing. My step dad moved in when I was 8. My mum was happy, not worried about how I’d take it. Therefore I didn’t worry about how I should take it - it was just a good time. She stopped worrying about money and could reduce her hours, we could have the heating on more. My sibling was born shortly after. I’m not traumatised. We just had a different path as a family.

You don’t have to strive for perfection. If you can find a way to ensure your children are safe and feel loved then that is enough.

Only go ahead with termnation if it's what you want. I am strongly pro-choice, but it must be a proper choice, not a forced choice.

What are your options for moving? Is your ex paying maintenance and are you claiming everything you're entitled to?

You don't have to move in with your friend/partner but he should support you and pay maintenance as a minimum.

If you want to keep the baby, keep it. Terminating it cannot be changed, your circumstances can.

OP have you got any counseling organized through the clinic you’re using? It sounds like you could do with the chance to vent these conflicting emotions with someone unconnected and impartial. There’re multiple factors in your situation that are understandably making this a very difficult choice for you.

Don't do it if you really don't want to. You will regret it for the rest of your life.

I think we need to know more about your current situation to honestly advice usefully. How many children do you have? What’s the plan to change your living accommodation next year and how much room does the new house/flat have? Are you working? How does your new partner feel about the pregnancy?

I don’t know how people can just reply when we don’t really know anything about your circumstances.

If you don't want to do it then please don't. There are ways round this. It may not be easy but there is a way round. Have you reached out to the council about your housing situation? There are lots of organisations that can provide help.

Follow your gut instinct, OP. As a pp has said your circumstances can change but a termination is final. If you’re not convinced it’s the right thing to do then I’d imagine it will haunt you forever if you go through with it, especially if you feel bonded already.
Sending love to you 💛

I do see a future with my current partner. We ha been friends for several years, I know his ex wife and she speaks very highly of him so I know he is a good man and not abusive, we get on incredibly well and he has known my dcs a long time too and is good with them. We'd been talking about moving in together next year anyway but more towards the later half of the year, so there would be time for him to gradually be in their lives more. I really don't want to fuck up the kids I've already got.
I'm claiming all the benefits I'm entitled to but the family home has now been sold so I don't think I'll be able to claim benefits for much longer since I will have my half of the equity from the house. My idea for a house move next year was either to move in with new partner if all going well with him spending more time with the dcs, or if things weren't going so well, rent somewhere a little bit bigger and just accept I will have to use some of my money from the house sale to pay the bills, etc. I have looked into buying on my own, shared ownership, etc and it's impossible - very expensive area.

Ex does normally pay maintenance but is taking a break at the moment because he's got himself into some debt, so he's paying that back and will hopefully be paying it again in the spring.

The clinic I'm with did offer me counselling but I said no because if it's anything like the counselling I received last year I don't think it would be helpful. Maybe I should have accepted it.

Does your new partner know OP?

Sorry you've found yourself in this situation op. It must be so hard for you.
I'm afraid I'm going to go against the grain and say you should terminate. I think you have a duty to put your existing children first, not only are you in unacceptable living conditions, this is a new relationship which you should (as you planned) be taking your time in before you force This person on your kids, and throwing a new baby into the mix, honestly I think it's incredibly unfair to put your children through all that.
I think you should get yourself some decent counseling which will hopefully help you come to terms with this, and put your children first.
I appreciate it's difficult but you are the adult and your responsibility it to your existing children.
Best of luck with your decision

I haven't told him I don't really want the termination but I think he might have guessed I'm having doubts now. I had an appointment with a nurse from the clinic this morning during which I got quite upset. I called partner afterwards because he had asked me to keep him updated on when the termination was happening and what the plan was so he knew when to book time off work, etc. I was still quite tearful on the phone to him so he came over at lunchtime to check on me. I couldn't really say anything or even look at him because I knew I would start crying and I needed to go back to work.

Can you explain to your partner that you are having doubts? Ask him to consider going ahead with pregnancy? Is there absolutely no way that you would manage in your current home with your DC's + baby? Do you have family who could lend you money to fix the damp issues?

I am pro choice but I feel your reasons for terminating are fixable

I have spoken to a builder about the damp problems. The initial damp problem was in the living room and the cause of it is fixed now but because the landlord dragged their feet on getting it fixed for so long there is now 8" of damp in the wall, so thats not going to dry out any time soon. The kids room also gets damp and the buildre said that the only way to deal with that would be to empty the quote room and it would be quite a big job, so no idea where I would put the kids while all that was going on. Plus it is such a battle getting the landlord to do all this anyway. It took 6 months of me nagging them to get the damp problem in the living room fixed. I sleep in the living room, which is also where we all eat and I work. I don't even have the space for a moses basket.

*whole room

purpleboy is basically saying what I have been telling myself since I found out I was pregnant .