Confused and sad. Can't confide in any one.

[sleepyshiftworker]

I'm now 7 weeks pregnant. This wasn't planned - we already have DC and our youngest is 2. We have a large family, a blended family.

DP doesn't want this baby. I don't know what I want. I've spoken with BPAS at 5 weeks and the nurse wouldn't go through the consultation as I wasn't clear at all about what I wanted. She referred me to counselling which I had a week ago - which made me say outloud I can't abort this baby. I do not want an abortion, I think it will break me mentally and I don't think I'll recover. I ha be ptsd and really struggle with intrusive thoughts and depression.

I'm not coping. He is very clear. Doesn't want this baby. Says he will support me what ever I decide but basically doesn't want me to continue.

He's just asked me what "we" are going about the elephant in the room (which is how we have referred to it) and then said "because time is running out" as I've told him I gave up to 10 weeks for the pills at home.

I feel torn. I haven't told any one I'm pregnant. I feel so pregnant my breasts have grown at least 2 cup sixes, morning sickness is well and truly here. My body knows what to do.

Can you have some more counselling? Perhaps another session on your own and one together? I wonder if that could help.

All I will say is nobody wants an abortion. It's horrible being put in this situation where you have to make such a decision and sometimes neither choice feels right. (In my instance) In the end I wrote a list of pros and cons to each and thought practically.

I've just taken my first tablet and even though I am sure it's the right thing for us all I really did struggle with it mentally. It's not something you'd want to do insure of your decision.

I'll probably need counselling after this but then again I needed counselling before this. There's lots shame in it and it's definitely worth speaking through whatever you decide.

Just remember you're not alone, you aren't doing anything wrong and you are allowed to put yourself first. Whatever that may look like.

Be kind to yourself, there's no easy solution

I remember your other posts about him.
Would you consider separating for good? He brings nothing to your life.

Sorry you are in this position, but from your post, you clearly want the surprise baby. Good luck, everyone will come round to the news. Don’t be pushed into an abortion, if it’s not what you want.

@nimbuscloud it's not as simple as that and he brings plenty to my life but thank you.

Yes I would consider going it all alone. No problems. I'd rather be alone with my children and fill my life with love and support from people who love me, than be unsupported and unhappy with some one who doesn't want me or my children. But that's not the question right now.

@Roselilly36 I don't think I truly want a baby again. I'm tired and worried about how it will effect my children etc. Then I feel a massive pang of love for this small tiny cluster of cells and I imagine my due date in the summer coming and going and how distraught I will be if I terminated.

@durdledoo I'm sorry you're going through this. Thank you for the advice.

@sleepyshiftworker

You're most welcome. I think we all work it out in our own way. It does take time though and I don't think women always come to a decision they're "happy with" because let's face it what's there to be happy about?

Like you I didn't want this pregnancy and felt I wouldn't cope well with another child added to our family. I considered heavily my existing children and how another would effect them and eventually came to the decision I would probably be a better parent if I didn't have another.

I was utterly distraught that I couldn't be happy and our situation wasn't different. I could've made it work, I just feel stretched enough as it is. Once I decided that was enough of a reason the guilt went.

I hope you manage to feel you come to a decision that you're sure on, whatever that may be. I did go back and forth each day but always knew deep down a termination was the most logical option for us.

What age are you, is that a factor?

Is there any family health history that could sway you one way or the other.

@Elieza I'm 34. Healthy. No family history. Healthy pregnancies before. Standard non complicated deliveries.

We are solvent. Own our own home. Both employed in stable jobs.

It’s a tough one OP. I feel for you.

I can understand how he doesn’t want a baby but it’s not him who has to deal with the situation just now. That’s an added factor that many don’t understand when it’s not their body.

I made the decision to terminate early. I had to in my circs as I was very young, but the guilt got to me. I was much better after counselling. It was a struggle though I’m ok now.

Perhaps you could talk with him again about what he sees would be the problems. And you tell him what you see would be the problems. And then find solutions - or not - to them? That may help. If his worries are really unfounded then it could clarify the way forward. Or indeed there could be more negatives hes thought of that you havent.

It’s a tough one.

Oh @Elieza I am so sorry xx thank you so much for sharing with me.

His problems are - he doesn't like broken sleep, he likes our life as it is. Space in the house. Another person to be responsible for.

We've talked and talked. Ultimately he says it's yo to me and then lists why we should terminate. I've even threatened to leave hiM. This is getting harder and harder

OP he's a controlling man who doesn't care about your feelings. Go back and read the long threads you had about him in February and August.

Do whatever you (you singular, he doesn't get a say) like about the pregnancy but you should ditch the waste of space of a "D"P as a priority.

@namechange30455 but I don't know what I want. I don't want to be pregnant. But I don't want a termination - both don't want to go through with the termination and don't want to have to deal with my mind afterwards.

What are his reasons ? Unless he has a vasectomy it was always a possibility

[quote sleepyshiftworker]@namechange30455 but I don't know what I want. I don't want to be pregnant. But I don't want a termination - both don't want to go through with the termination and don't want to have to deal with my mind afterwards. [/quote]
^ That is an impossible situation, eventually you’ll have to choose one of those scenarios.

Do you have any friends or family that could offer advice? Supportive parents? I know you haven’t told anyone yet, could you confide in anyone?

When you say your partner will ‘support you, whatever’. Does he mean that? Will he be a father to the child or leave everything to you and resent you for having the baby? Is he likely to leave if you have the baby? It’s not very supportive to say ‘it’s up to you’ and then push you towards an abortion.

If your DP wanted this child, would that sway you towards having it or would you still wish you were not pregnant?

@sleepyshiftworker

I really do empathise with you here when you say you don't want a termination but also don't want a baby.

That was the dilemma I had & I guess most women do. Who really WANTS a termination?

All I can say is a baby (as you know being a mum) can also effect you mentally and if you're already struggling mentally / feel stretched you need to consider how you'll manage with a baby. It was a big factor for me too.

Nobody here can magic it away or make the decision for you & I think that's why it's so hard. It's up to you.

I felt absolutely terrible going through with my termination. I cried whilst swallowing the first pill and once that was done I felt this wave of relief my decision was now final.

I've also been in the situation with dd1 when I was so scared to have a baby but chose to continue. I'd say both are equally challenging.

You can get help and support for dealing with either options (termination or a newborn) so please just try and get some support.

Do you have anyone you can speak to in real life? I hope you manage to teach a decision you're sure on OP. Be kind to yourself x

Oh this is a really difficult situation OP.

It’s clear you don’t want a termination, but it also sounds like you don’t want another child either. It sounds like you need more time to think and to weigh up the fact you don’t want to terminate against the impact this will have on your existing children and family.

@Luredbyapomegranate I don't have time though, 2 ish weeks before the pills at home aren't an option. Then that means going to the hospital I work at, and Work have just sent my shifts through - I literally don't even have time to have a termination.

You would have to time off sick, I think you don’t want to have to make a choice either way. It’s an awful decision to make and one that is always for the woman to make. I sincerely hope your DP gets the snip after this.