Abortion Regret

[CW91]

In September I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy and completely gutted that I was in that situation. I was 5 weeks pregnant and developed severe anxiety and cried almost everyday. I didn’t want to be pregnant and was so happy with my life with my 2 girls (5&7) and my husband. I couldn’t see any other way out than to have a termination as another baby would change the dynamics so much, house, finances, all the nice things we do now, age gap, would I be able to cope when this was so out of my control, could I love this baby. It all sounds so selfish now. After weeks of going back and forth and talking myself in and out of the situation. I had a pill abortion at 8 weeks, even taking the pill I had the tinge of what am I doing but the thoughts of keeping the pregnancy scared me. I now regret that decision everyday of my life that I couldn’t be stronger, after reading forums I have seen so many people going through the same and I wish I had seen these sooner. I never let myself come around to the idea I was so crippled with fear of the what ifs. My husband has been so supportive but he really did want another baby, eventhough he said he was happy with either decision. I now suffer still with anxiety and depression on top of that, there doesn’t seem to be a way out and I now long for the baby I didnt think I wanted.

I just feel like I need some reassurance that things will get better and I will see things clearly as to whether this was the right decision or we should have a baby and as horrible as it is, this made us realise.

Things will get better. It’s a huge emotional situation to be in, and a huge hormonal upheaval.

You made the decision you made for sound reasons - because it was best for your existing children and your family life overall not to add another another child. It sounds like you thought about it at length and discussed it with your DP, so the chances are, it was the right decision for you and your family.

It’s natural and normal to feel regret right now, because hormones and emotions - plus the fact the opportunity to change your mind has passed (a bit like people sometimes get a mad idea to have another baby at 45 because the opportunity to get pregnant is about to disappear.)

Let it settle. Talk to your GP / family planning clinic about some short term counselling if you think it would help. Don’t do anything crazy like get pregnant again - if you are having thoughts like that put it on ice for 18 months. Once it’s all settled do get your partner to have the snip or get your tubes tied so you don’t go through this again.

If you and your husband both want another baby and you can afford it, then this problem is easily solved. You can TTC again, but this you get to plan ahead which surely is better for your all.

I don't think of your decision to terminate was selfish at all. You considered the whole family, not just you. How can that be selfish? If anything it's selfless. Furthermore, having an abortion is not the end of the line. A bad pregnancy and complications during birth might put you out of commision, but a safe abortion means you get to try again if you both want to.

If the age-gap concerns you then it might be a good idea to talk to other parents who've been through that and ask them about their experiences. Or try to find communities online and base your decision on that.

Hi @CW91,
I’m so terribly sorry to hear your story. It’s such an overwhelming situation & I feel for you.
Just give yourself some time to process what has happened. Perhaps speak to a counsellor too? Please be gentle with yourself. You made the decision at the time that felt less dark. That’ is ok.

You aren’t alone.xx

@Luredbyapomegranate @CaptSkippy @ED81 I just want to thank you all for your replies. It really helps to know there is support out there and that I’m not the bad person I see myself as at the moment. I am seeing a private counsellor at the moment and some days have got easier. I still think about it all the time, but have been told not to live in the past and take each day as it comes. Sometimes easier said than done.

Hi, I just thought I would ask how are you feeling now? Going through the exact same and absolutely crippled with pain, guilt, sadness and regret. Every second is consumed with thoughts about my baby and my actions. I hope you have found some peace. I would love to hear how you are.

Sorry to jump on your post but I have a really similar situation now. Found out I was unexpectedly pregnant at the start of Feb. I have a soon to be 3 year old and always wanted another but my partner has always been dead set against it. Anyway, I told him I was pregnant and we talked about it and decided on an abortion for lots of reasons that now seem really silly. We didn’t even talk about the option of keeping it. I feel like I was kind of swept along with the idea of abortion and once we had discussed it once that was it. I made the call to the abjection clinic and got an appointment for 10 days away. By the time the appointment came I was 8 weeks and as soon as I was scanned I didn’t want to do it, but I was myself due to covid rules and didn’t have a chance to speak to the other half again. When I went back into the room the nurse asked again if I was sure and I said yea even though I wasn’t. She gave me the pill and I just grabbed it and swallowed it down. Took the second set at home 2 days later and had bleeding, cramps and passed large clots and what I’m pretty sure was the baby. I couldn’t look too closely l. Ever since I have been absolutely over whelmed with regret. I’m so so angry with myself and have sat for 3 days wishing I could change it, go back in time and just walk out. Obviously that isn’t possible. I feel like this was my last chance for another baby. I’m only 32 but my partner is 45. I’m devastated. I’ve told him how I feel and he said why didn’t I say anything, I can’t explain why I didn’t. I don’t know myself. He’s trying to be supportive but he thinks I’ll just feel better in a few days when I know that I won’t. I feel a deep sense of loss and grief.

@Regret2022
I'm sorry you have to feel like this, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't know about you but all I can think about is having another baby, everywhere I turn I see new born babies and pregnant women. X

It’s literally all I can think about right now but I know my partner will be so angry at me for even saying it now. Do you think it’s something you will do? I just can’t see any what if moving past it. I was in bed with my son this morning and just felt like someone was missing x

I keep reading posts about failed abortions and holding onto the ridiculous hope that this could be me

I saw my baby so definitely know that its over and she's gone (don't know why but just think girl). I have two girls and they are amazing and the best medicine, I always wanted three and thought I would but then decided I wouldn't but when this happened I was in such shock and felt overwhelmed by it all, everything became a problem and now I feel like I have clarity and everything that was an issue just isn't. I spoke to someone who said that when you are in a crisis you use the back of the brain and it effects you using your front part which helps you make decisions (she said it more technical than I have just put it but it made perfect sense to how I was feeling) I would like to think that I will be pregnant again and she will come back to be with me, I feel like I sound crazy but I'm just clinging on to anything at the minute. The sadness is like nothing else, I have miscarried before and I was sad but it felt different, it was out of my hands but this just feels like torture. I know if this was our second there would have been no question about it, its just sad on so many levels. I feel like no one understands how I'm feeling and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Have you looked into any counseling? X

You poor thing. It is still very early days, CW91, many people feel as you do for a while but honestly it does pass. You did what you felt was right at the time.

Grief is a process which takes time. In the case of abortion, it is hidden grief; it's not something you can talk about openly and many who do know about it think you can just get over it.

I don't know if this book will help you, I haven't read it but have heard it recommended and you can purchase on Amazon:
Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion Hardcover – 1 Jun. 2002
by Theresa Burke (Author), David C. Reardon (Author)

More about it on Goodreads:
www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/2514784.Forbidden_Grief#:~:text=In%20Forbidden%20Grief%2C%20Dr.,are%20struggling%20with%20past%20abortions.

All the very best to you. Keep up your counselling, acknowledge your loss and most of all, love and take care of yourself.

Minus the children this sounds incredibly similar to me. I’d love to know if this gets easier? Not only do I feel this way but my other half is struggling to forgive himself and me for the decison. Whilst it was made by both of us, he’s developed high anxiety and low mood due to this and just feels so sad whenever he sees a baby or a pregnant lady. As do I. I feel guilt and sadness every moment of the day- mainly when it’s evening and I’m now wondering what’s the point in working if not for a family? This would have been our first but I was in so much physical pain and bleeding lots too. Then my mind went into a state of depression that then became the forefront of how I was feeling. I’d mentally checked out of everything, didn’t want to get up, leave the house, go to work nothing. All horrible feelings that I wanted to stop. But now I’d argue this level of emotion and guilt is worse.

@Tabletop76

'But now I’d argue this level of emotion and guilt is worse.'

I'm so sorry. I'd agreed with you. I felt what's the point having sex if getting pregnant is the end of the world. And, like you, how anything I earned or spent, I'd rather have Vern living on a shoestring but with my first child.

Over time (and seeing so many regret posts on MN), I've just come to feel there is nothing more crucial than contraception.

Been not Vern (?!)

Hi ladies, I'm sorry for how you are feeling. I have been in your position.
I had a termination 4 years ago, extreme sickness to the point of throwing up when my dog walked past me. I had no idea that I could of got help for that level of sickness and so we ended the pregnancy. Within weeks two very close people in my life announced their pregnancies and i honestly thought this was my punishment. I felt so ashamed still barely anyone knows, which is crazy, abortion shouldn't be so taboo. I also felt angry that the professionals never asked why I wanted the termination (I know they are not supposed to but I was obviously looking for someone to vent at) because I felt that they would of given me a miracle cure for how I was feeling at the time.

I know it's cliche, but, time does heal you. I went on to have two beautiful children which at first, I didn't feel I deserved.
I just want to say, allow yourself those feelings, they are valid. Over time, it will hurt less and don't feel guilty if this makes you realise that you do want a child. Abortion isn't a means of contraception, you did it for a reason and as time goes on our situations evolve. Please be kinder to yourselves.

I just worry seeing so many women and men with these feelings of regret, guilt and everything in between, I don't think there is enough support from the clinics and especially now you can get the medication at home. I feel like it's tarnished my beautiful home my home was my safe place and now it's full of reminders of that horrendous few days and now the rest of time. I wish everyday I could turn back time 😔💜 love to you all.

oh @Dee2786 bless you, yes totally understand, as so many of us do.

Yes, it is all wrong. No, no proper support. It is just plain wrong. They talk about 'choice', but they only really seem to want us to make one choice. And then shut up and go away.

It's not balanced, and there isn't equal support. It's gone too far the wrong way. In my very humble opinion. ...

Can I ask how everyone is doing now ? Struggling so much my self to the point of feeling suicidal. Feel like there’s no hope and no future. X

I am so sorry to hear this. I am currently receiving counselling which seems to help me speak a out it but I'm traumatised and wish everyday that I could turn back time. My only hope is with time things may get easier. How long since May I ask?

I would contact an organisation that deals with post abortion regret and trauma as they will have the experience to understand why you feel the way you do. Regret guilt sadness. Hope you find some help soon.

Torturing yourself about it wont change anything. You were absolutely in a state of distress. You did what you had to do at the time. If you want another baby then you need to think about when would be good timing. Please be gentle on yourself. Youve done nothing wrong.

Mine was 5 years and 9 years ago now . I was in a really crap relationship ( if you can even call it a relationship). I suppose my biggest regret is staying with him in the first place so that I even got pregnant . Then the fact I wasn’t responsible enough with contraception. It’s weird looking back now but I was like a different person , completely messed up and doing stupid things time after time . Anyway as for the abortion grief it’s completely ruined my life. I know I only have myself to blame and that’s fine. But everyday I wish I could go back and change things. I feel even adoption would have been better than living with this for the rest of my life.

Did you access any counselling after? Maybe look at that option if you haven't or maybe re visit if you already have. I don't know what's right to do anymore, it hurts when I go over things I'm just trusting in the process that it might just help me in the future. Sending healing hugs to you. X

I am now waiting for the counselling and am on anti depressants and anxiety medication. I try and sleep as much as possible so I don’t have to face the day although now I even dream of the terminations and the children i would have had now . I don’t work and am off sick due to the depression. I don’t know how things will ever get better ☹️