TFMR, surgical vs medical management

[threebeforetwo]

I’m waiting for some test results but I think it’s very likely that I will choose to have a tfmr in the coming days. It’s obviously been a lot to take in and upsetting but the thing I’m really struggling with is the management method.

I’m 12 weeks - am I likely to be given a choice between surgical and medical? I’m obsessing a little bit about it and feel a bit paralysed about what I’ll do if I have to choose. I think I will find medical extremely challenging but surgical I’m bothered by the intensity of the procedure on baby’s body.

If anyone had any experiences they felt able to share I would be really grateful, I’ve been in shock the last few days and just coming round to all the feeling now. Or has anyone had any experience with ARC and is this the kind of decision they can help me with?

Not the same but I was given same choice for a missed miscarriage and I chose surgical. I got to hospital at 1 and was home by 6

Thank you both for replying, it is so hard to know what is for the best. Yes I feel surgical would be the least traumatic option but (sorry I can’t think of a gentle way to word this) I am dwelling a lot on the physicality of that for the baby and whether I will have regrets around not preserving its body. I think this may be something I need to discuss with a counsellor in all honesty as I’m certainly not thinking rationally.

I had a termination at 12wks 2yrs ago and I had medical termination and it was fine I was in for 9am and out by 4pm. 3wks ago I had to have a tfmr at 24wks and had to give birth which was so hard knowing my ds was "away already" but Im glad I did that rather than be put to sleep like I'd contemplated. I hope your okay whatever way you decide to go

I’m very sorry you are going through this. Having experienced both of these, I would go for surgical every time.

Hugs and

@ArrrMeHearties so, so sorry. You poor thing.

So sorry OP. I chose surgical at 14 weeks. I too was heartbroken at the thought of how the baby would be removed. However, the diagnosis and having to end my pregnancy was traumatic enough without having to actually having contractions and having to birth a baby. Especially considering it was my first pregnancy. I needed to just be knocked out and wake up with it 'done'. I'm so glad I chose that option

Also - you can preserve the body. They ask you if you want to take it away for a funeral or whatever. It's your choice

luckystar1 baby ds had hypoplastic left heart syndrome and ventriculomegaly and a tfmr was the kindest option for us all especially him as he wouldn't of survived birth and if he had he would of lived for a very short time as his heart was literally broken

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. I’m so sorry for what you’ve all been through 💛 My husband is so supportive but I just feel that as the mum we have a different connection with the baby and at the end of the day we have to take the physical brunt of it all. I think you are helping me come around to surgical so thank you for that xx

ARC are brilliant. I cannot praise them highly enough. Please take advantage of their existence. If call hours are still restricted (which happened during Covid), write them an email, and they will call you asap.

I am so sorry you are in this position. It is hugely difficult. Please consider putting mental support more generally in place, which is what we did. Terminating a wanted pregnancy takes quite a toll. Even though our entire environment supported the decision, I continue to feel conflicted about it.

We had huge time pressure (20 week scan picked it up). My one advise would be, if the diagnosis is not straightforward and very clear (outcomes on a spectrum, etc.), to take the time available to you. Ask for referrals to talk to experts, etc. We had to take the decision when feeling utterly panicked, overwhelmed, and in shock. We wish we would have had a little more time to come to terms with those feelings first, before taking a life-changing decision.

I had to go through labour as I was so far along. Please do whatever is best for you in the moment, but also think of what you will be most at peace with long-term.

@ArrrMeHearties, I am so sorry.

@4thtimethecharm thank you for the advice - it really helps. Good to hear you recommend ARC. I already have weekly therapy in place but I think the specialist support will be really helpful. You don’t mention how long ago your experience was but I hope you are somewhat at peace with it now xx

I have had one of each, personally I 'preferred' the surgical, the medical went on for 2 days, was achey and then didn't fully pass - it was so traumatic for both myself and my husband.

The surgical just felt over with much quicker, it allowed us to move on quicker too as I didn't have such vivid memories of it all.
I'm sorry you're having to choose at all.

Thank you all. I have spoken to the consultant today and got a confirmed diagnosis. He actually said it’s pretty hard to get surgical management at the moment due to Covid and theatres not being set up and available. I’m going to speak to the midwife tomorrow and weigh up the options, maybe even see if it’s an option to pay privately for surgical management (I got the sense it could be possible from the consultant). I have no idea how much that would cost or if I’d want to do it but just to know what the options are. Thank you again for all your support and advice 💖