Hi all,
Less than a month ago I had a termination of a twin pregnancy. I did not want a termination and I really wanted another baby (or babies as it turned out) but I had to terminate against my wants because I have 2 older children, one who is autistic and has other disabilities and whos needs are getting more and more difficult to manage. My other child does not sleep at all and its possible she may have some form of SEN too. We have no family or friends support and are completely isolated. So it would be unfair on all the family to bring another child in let alone 2.
I was and still am absolutely gutted. I have carried on as normal as I have had no choice so even dh dosnt realize how this has affected me. He knew it wasn't really what I wanted but he was terrified of having another child especially as they could have disabilities and sen too. Infact with twins it would be more likely. He was adamant about the termination as he was worried we would not be able to meet our current childrens needs. I agree with this. It still hurts that he had no emotional attachment to the pregnancy,did not have to go through the experience and has now gone completely back to normal.
Anyway my best friend of 25 years has just gone into labor. To make matters harder its twins. Such weird changes eh. I really want to be happy for her. This is her moment. She deserves happiness and joy, shes a phenomenal friend and woman and has seen me through many dark times. When she text me in the early hours my heart sank. I'm giving myself hard words to not be so selfish. I just feel so alone in this grief and guilty as it was self inflicted. I did text back and forth with excitement and congratulations etc
No one knows about the pregnancy or termination. I continue to smile on the school run and I'm just about to go to work and be my happy self but really I feel terrible.
How do I get over myself so I can go back to normal and be happy for my lovely friend who i love with all my heart. I feel such a terrible person.