Really struggling to make decision. Please help.

[Collywobble12]

I am really struggling to make a decision and worried time is running out. I am 7+2. I have the pills, I got them in the post a few days ago. I had to pay £450 for a private consultation on the phone due to waiting lists elsewhere and I just wanted to get it all over with.

I have a 21 month old DS who is very hard work. I am a SAHM (gave up work after having DS). DH does not want to keep baby at all. He is not pressuring me to terminate but also says if I want to chat I can "so that he can put me back on the right way of thinking". My last pregnancy was awful, I ended up on crutches with SPD. I have had severe all day sickness now since 4 weeks. I don't know how I'd cope with a toddler and a hard pregnancy and then after that a newborn too. I suffered terribly with PND that I still don't feel I've overcome and I have anxiety too. I adore my DS and want to be able to dedicate my time to him.

I keep going to take the first pill and then I can't do it. Part of me just wants it all to be over but the guilt and what-ifs keep stopping me.

I don't have anyone apart from DH to talk with in real life. I feel so lost. If anyone can help I would be so grateful.

Thank you.

Also, to add, I had a scan at EPU this week that had been arranged due to ongoing bleeding and the sonographer said she could see the heartbeat and then turned the screen to show me, which hasn't helped matters.

DH has asked a few times if I've taken the first tablet yet and I just don't know what to do.

Don't do it for the husband
BUT
How hard would your life be if you had another baby now?

He is not pressuring me to terminate but also says if I want to chat I can "so that he can put me back on the right way of thinking"

That is pressure, though.

You don’t have to continue with this pregnancy at this time in your life if you feel you are at risk. That’s absolutely a valid decision to make for yourself, and your mental and physical health. Do not feel guilty about that.

The only thing you need to consider is whether you want more children at some point in the future - at a time when you feel better able to cope - and if so, whether you might feel this was a lost opportunity if you subsequently find it difficult to have a second child.

It’s not a decision you should take lightly, but neither is it something to feel automatically guilty about. The choice not to continue with a pregnancy is a fundamental right.

What you need to know from your husband is that he will support you emotionally and physically whatever your decision, with no question.

F

I would not go though with the pregnancy simply because it sounds like it is likely it would make your life that much harder given your history. Your wellbeing and your mental health are your priorities. You need to be ok yourself so that you can look after your existing child. Adding a baby when you already have a toddler and PND is going to put so much more pressure on you. Add to that that your husband might refuse to help out "because he wasn't the one who wanted the baby" and it makes for a very grim picture.

And I only bring him up in relation to how it might impact you afterwards, because his wishes on the subject and his pressure to abort are irrelevant. He should have wrapped it up or gotten a vasectomy if he didn't want this to happen.

That being said, while logistically a baby might be a bad idea, if your heart is set on it and you already feel attached to the idea of this baby, then it would do you more harm than good to abort against your hearts wishes, in terms of emotional trauma.

Please do some serious soul searching and don't let your husband get into your head.

Thank you everyone for your responses, I really appreciate them as I feel so lost and lonely.

I have endometriosis and DS took two years to conceive so that is something to consider.

I just feel like I am never going to be 100% either way and obviously don't want to hang about too long. I wrote a list of pros and cons earlier and have to say I had many more reasons to proceed with termination, and am tempted to just take the initial tablet tonight to get the process started.

I was crying last night and said to my husband I worry I'll always wonder who they (the baby) would have been. I think the combination of pregnancy hormones and feeling so ill isn't helping me to think clearly, plus sleep deprivation as toddler still wakes every 2-3 hours every night and has never slept through.

I tried speaking to a GP today but he just laughed and said that being pregnant does make you feel sick. He did prescribe me some anti sickness mess though tbf. I'm also very anemic which isn't helping either. I just don't think my mental or physical health can withstand a pregnancy at this stage.

I just don't think my mental or physical health can withstand a pregnancy at this stage.

And that is OK.

Some people find abortions traumatic. Some people don’t find them anything but practical. Most people are in the middle somewhere. It would be unusual to feel 100%, I think. Everyone in that position wishes they weren’t having to make a decision like this because if you’re not thrilled by your pregnancy you’re in a horrible place where you need to make a decision you can’t be absolutely sure you won’t regret. That’s unfortunate but the truth of it.

I had an abortion and I’ve never regretted it. It simply was not the time for me to bring a child into the world and that was both a selfish and unselfish decision- it wasn’t the right time for me and therefore that ‘baby’ I never met didn’t have to have a less than ideal lot in life. I’ve had DC since.

You need to think about you and your existing DC before anything else. You have a responsibility to be well and safe and happy for your DS.

It would equally be OK to say ‘I want to have this baby and expand our family and if that’s my decision I need great support so how can I get that?’

But release yourself from the idea that you can ever be 100% certain. You can only ever make a decision based on what you know right now. So make peace with that. Regrets come if you feel you were pressured or not ready or really unsure or deeply want a baby but can’t for circumstances out of your control. But if you make the best decision you know how after looking at all the options then you’re unlikely to regret it because you know you acted on the information you had at the time and did your best.

PS the doctor sounds a bit unhelpful

@NoSquirrels

I just don't think my mental or physical health can withstand a pregnancy at this stage.

And that is OK.

Some people find abortions traumatic. Some people don’t find them anything but practical. Most people are in the middle somewhere. It would be unusual to feel 100%, I think. Everyone in that position wishes they weren’t having to make a decision like this because if you’re not thrilled by your pregnancy you’re in a horrible place where you need to make a decision you can’t be absolutely sure you won’t regret. That’s unfortunate but the truth of it.

I had an abortion and I’ve never regretted it. It simply was not the time for me to bring a child into the world and that was both a selfish and unselfish decision- it wasn’t the right time for me and therefore that ‘baby’ I never met didn’t have to have a less than ideal lot in life. I’ve had DC since.

You need to think about you and your existing DC before anything else. You have a responsibility to be well and safe and happy for your DS.

It would equally be OK to say ‘I want to have this baby and expand our family and if that’s my decision I need great support so how can I get that?’

But release yourself from the idea that you can ever be 100% certain. You can only ever make a decision based on what you know right now. So make peace with that. Regrets come if you feel you were pressured or not ready or really unsure or deeply want a baby but can’t for circumstances out of your control. But if you make the best decision you know how after looking at all the options then you’re unlikely to regret it because you know you acted on the information you had at the time and did your best.

PS the doctor sounds a bit unhelpful

Thank you so much for this. It has really helped.

I am just worried about coming out the other side as the only real life person I can speak to about it is DH and last night I had to ask him for a hug when I was bawling my eyes out, which he then retracted when I didn't hug him back tight enough. The night before when I'd been trying to speak to him about it and was crying, he started moaning about where a saucepan lid had been placed in the cupboard. And when I initially brought it up last week, again when crying, he sighed and said he'd been hungry and was looking forward to his dinner. If I bring up any reason why I'm feeling sad about possible termination he just sighs and says "fine just keep it then". He's not an awful person but is quite emotionally immature, which he himself admits, and I think if I do proceed with it I'll have to accept that he isn't going to be able to pick me up if/when I feel low.

Sending you a virtual hug ((Collywobble)). I’m sorry your DH isn’t supportive in the way you need. It’s not uncommon but it is shit.

Do you have family & friends but you just don’t feel you can discuss this with them (for whatever reason)? Or are you a bit isolated/lonely?

I feel very uncomfortable reading this - he is pressuring you madly - both by his words and the unspoken 'punishment' - giving you a taste of what his ongoing disapproval looks like, and feels like... I think you probably now know full well that the subtle cruelty of ignoring your upset and things like withholding affection would be the outcome if you went ahead. And that is exactly the message he wants you to get.

You do not sound definite enough to go for termination really. The fact that you took 2 years to conceive is also a factor here. If you want more children... There would be 2 1/2 years between them which is a very normal gap. I am struggling to see how you might not regret a termination very much at some point when you are physically and mentally stronger, especially if you go on to have trouble conceiving.

He is your problem, absolutely - he sounds fairly low-level abusive, and he's definitely massively pressuring you.

Sleep deprivation is a killer. Can you go somewhere, a parent? - for a night's sleep, away from your DH and DS. You do have a little bit of time. Might that help to clear your mind a bit?

It sounds like he's very happy to have you in a mess. I don't like him very much :(