Triggar warning abortion

[Arren12]

I am a mum of two wonderful girls who are 8 and 4. My eldest child is disabled. I also have a lovely big dog.

I found out a few days ago I am pregnant. This was not planned and was a contraception failure. I was not surprised as such because I had symptoms and I conceived my first on the pill.

When I took the test I felt nothing. Not sad or happy or scared just nothing.

I am totally 50/50 as to if I can keep this pregnancy and its causing me so much torment.

My main reason for not continuing is that 3 children are hard work im told. We already feel stretched with our two. I feel this immense guilt that I'm taking my time and resources away from my current children. I want to make sure they never feel left out and I can give them the best life possible. Having a third means id be even more stretched with time and more tired than I am. My current children do not sleep well.

Financially we would be fine. We are not rich by any means but we would not hugely struggle. We have a big enough car. We have a decent house in a decent area and can afford to extend to create the extra bedroom needed.

My husband feels exactly the same as me. He is on the one hand worried about how we would manage our time and we absolutely adore our children as everyone does and want them to have our time, patience and feel included. Hes also worried that while we wouldn't struggle Financially we would not be as comfortable and not have as much to give our current children. He also likes the idea of another little one. Its so hard.

My best friend is a mum of 3 and tells me constantly how stressful it is and how one of them is always left out. She says her third never got the same effort as her others and she often struggles to cope with the load. It scares me. I feel stressed on occasion with 2, especially when my disabled daughter is having a hard time. Then I think that maybe its because unfortunately her husband is not as hands on and supportive as mine but who knows. She tells me her husband is this way whereas my husband is 50/50 with childcare and household etc and very family oriented. He works very hard both at home and at paid work. I work part time and I'm not worried about my job.

Its unlikely another child would also be disabled but not impossible for any child anyone has. My daughter does need extra support and equipment and we are in a good place with this so I don't want to rock that boat. Also she deserves the best of me and as much of my time as I can manage, shes so special and amazing and the guilt I feel is awful.

This is a now or never for us because I'm only not going continue because of my current children and so id be getting sterilized and dh getting a vasectomy. I have had two pregnancies on contraception now. One on the pill taking it religiously and one on the coil. I feel sad that people (even our own family) struggle to conceive and I'm in this position they would kill for. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

I know no one can decide but I just cannot decide either.

Morning. Really feel for you in this situation. Having an additional baby will no doubt be hard but it will also have joy and happiness. I’m pro choice but i think if you’re 50/50 then I would think perhaps termination may be the harder route? Very cliche, but I doubt you would ever regret having your baby once here. Very hard decision to make.

I have 3. My older two were 7 and 5 when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Eldest is autistic so can need a lot of time. The youngest just slotted in. The change from 2 kids to 3 was much easier than the change from 1 to 2! He is 4 next week and I don't feel my time or resources are stretched. We do things with all 3 together and separately. I'm completely pro choice, this is just my example, you have to be sure either way about how you will manage, how your kids will take it etc. But as above, don't think you ever regret having a baby. Good luck

@trevthecat

I have 3. My older two were 7 and 5 when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Eldest is autistic so can need a lot of time. The youngest just slotted in. The change from 2 kids to 3 was much easier than the change from 1 to 2! He is 4 next week and I don't feel my time or resources are stretched. We do things with all 3 together and separately. I'm completely pro choice, this is just my example, you have to be sure either way about how you will manage, how your kids will take it etc. But as above, don't think you ever regret having a baby. Good luck

My experience is much the same as trev.

Only you can decide but if you are pregnant with a coil you should make an appointment with your doctor sooner rather than later.

What is your gut instinct saying? It’s very easy to rationalise things like this, but I think your instincts are more helpful here.

Yes more children means more work, but I don’t think you’ll regret another child.

Whichever way go see your gp soon, and I’d suggest it’s time DH has the snip as you’ve had multiple contraceptive failures.

I think all the key elements for bringing a 3rd in the family are here. You both want it even if you are scared. You are financially stable and can afford it without huge changes, you are both on par when it comes to childcare and housework.

The only is concern is the tiredness and what impact this would have on the family dynamics. You need to weigh this against how you would likely feel if you went ahead and abort. Could you both move on, leave the decision behind and just think it definitely was right. Or do you think you could struggle with regrets?

Thanks everyone for the replies its appreciated.

I'm so tearful today.

I'm mainly sitting on the side of termination. When I see babies on the school run as I have just now I don't feel that aww that could be me feeling, I feel a bit overwhelmed that it could be me pushing a pram or chasing a toddler. I'm starting to feel human again and get myself back and as selfish as it is I don't want to lose that.

But as I say on the other hand it would be lovely to expand our family and I know we wouldn't regret it.

My youngest and eldest do not get on well. It does scare me that youngest will be left with the responsibility of eldest when we are gone. But I don't know if that's a selfish reason to have a baby. We are only 33 and 40 so hopefully plenty of years left in us yet.

Even though I'm sitting more on the side of termination something in the back of my head is telling me to go ahead.

It's probably a good sign that you didn't immediately think 'oh fuck no what have I done' when you got the positive test. That's the reaction I had with my planned and very much wanted pregnancies!

Don't let fear of the baby stage keep you from going ahead- it lasts such a short time. In the grand scheme of things.

I can only tell you my situation. I have 3 additional needs kids. The youngest is the hardest to deal due to his needs. I'm stretched all ways and tired of fighting for everything for my kids - getting rights schooling, support, fighting education authority, keeping on top of all health appointments. The third nearly did break me. He was planned and love him of course but would I have had three knowing what I know now. Probably not

Is it the coil that has failed this time op?

If so you need to see a doctor pretty soon.

An abortion is going to mean everything is the same as it is now, a baby is going to mean huge changes for everyone. Its a very tough decision for you, but if you look to the future what is it you really want and how do you see your family. What do you feel able to cope with?

Your fertility is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else so please don't feel bad for having an unexpected pregnancy when others struggle. You have 20 children or none at all wouldn't change their situation.

Yes it is a failed coil. I have spoken to a doctor yesterday and they don't seem concerned. I have another appointment next week.

My third slotted in just fine. Maybe a third would be a benefit to your dc2 when you have dc2 taking up that bit extra from you.

Don't feel guilty about having an abortion, it's just a medical procedure the same as any other.

My gut feeling is: if you don't know you want to keep the baby, then you shouldn't keep it.

That's easy for me to say as Mrs Anne O'nymous on the internet and only you can make the decision of course.

If you are erring towards an abortion then that is what you should go for. Make the appointment.

You need to do what is best for you. But... I have three (planned and close together). The third baby nearly broke me (we were both ill after she was born and I also had a one and a three year old) but she's just started school nursery and she's amazing. I can't imagine life without her. She definitely brought something extra to my family that we didn't have before. I love having three kids. And I work full time in a highly stressful job, but have a very hands on husband who definitely pulls his weight at home. Just want to give a different perspective on having three. It's honestly completely amazing.

I really feel for you and its very true that only you can make this decision. I fell pregnant with dc4 on contraception, completely unexpectedly, when my other three children were 4 and under. My first thought was 'oh shit, there's no way can I manage with 4 under 5, we can't afford it, we don't have the room' and I'd also just started getting back to normality after having dc3. I booked in for a termination and went to the appointment. The lady scanned me and told me I was 6 weeks along and they could give me the medication there and then. I signed the consent form and went and sat on the ward waiting for the nurse to bring the tablets, but something inside me told me I wouldn't ever quite get over it, and once I'd taken the tablets I couldn't un-take them so I left. My daughter was born in December, perfectly healthy and every single day I look at her and think wow, I definitely made the right decision to leave that day. Its been so tough, there's been sleepless nights, the school run is absolutely hectic and some days there is more attention on some than others, but not once have I regretted going through with it, and although it's tough now I know that its not going to be this hard forever, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be either. This is obviously just my experience and I'm sure whatever you choose will be right for you and your family, but it does sound like you have a very strong family unit to bring another baby into!

@Arren12

Yes it is a failed coil. I have spoken to a doctor yesterday and they don't seem concerned. I have another appointment next week.

Please contact them again if you're feeling any pain or start bleeding at all.

I had an abortion a couple of years ago, like you I couldn't picture how another baby would work in my family, I didn't think I could cope, and it wouldn't have been fair on my kids.

I went and took the first tablet, they gave the rest of them home with me, I had a slightly uncomfortable day and that was it, no regrets or wrangling with the decision at all. It doesn't always have to be a massively upsetting ordeal you feel guilt about forever.

You really do just need to do what's right for you and your children

I don’t think you should make any snap decisions. Give yourself some time to think about it. Give your husband some time to think about it. It sounds like you are in shock right now.

If it’s the failed coil you need to be scanned pretty urgently as an emergency as the coil increases risk of ectopic pregnancy which can be fatal if left too long .
It needs to be removed regardless of your decision .
I hope you reach ab informed decision soon , you have to do what’s ultimately right for you nobody else xx