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Pregnancy choices

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Post termination feelings

8 replies

AutumnGrace22322 · 06/10/2021 00:39

I had a termination 2 months ago and i can not get over it. It has completely crippled me.
Ive got a great support network and counseling, but nothing helps. I know it will take time, but that feels awfully hard too.
I am completely riddled with guilt, regret, anger and grief over what i have done. I am consumed with the flashbacks and cannot get my mind to unmuddle the emotions or truama of the week leading up to it and the actual day.
DH and i have 2 DC and always talked about more, but ultimately decided we were done. And i felt done. I was happy with our life. Then i fell PG.
I was so torn with what to do. My head couldnt see past the logical side or the intense fear i had but my heart wanted to protect it. I wanted to run away and not make a decision. Even as i was being put to sleep, i wanted to stop it from happening, but couldnt get any words out. I was literally frozen with fear and anxiety. I drove myself crazy and thought this was the only way to make it stop.
I spoke with friends who had gone through it and really clung onto their words of it will be ok and i will feel 'fine' afterwards. I told my self it was the practical thing to do given our circumstances. But now it just feels like i was blindsided with fear and couldn't admit to myself that i didnt want to terminate.
i am now, anything but fine. I was always a happy confident person, now im just a shell of the person i once was and struggle just to do the most basic stuff. My whole life is now suffering and i keep thinking, what the bloody hell was it all for? I was overcome with so much fear about being PG again, giving birth and raising another child that i freaked out and failed to see how this would affect me afterwards. Im not against terminations and have helped friends through their own, but for me, i always felt it would be the wrong choice. So why did i do it? I just dont know anymore. I feel so lost.
I look at my 2 DC and feel so guilty that there was another one of them growing in me and i didnt give it a chance at life cause i was too scared to go back to that stage in life again. That feels selfish. I chose to terminate it to save myself from having to do the hard work in raising another child.
Im not sure what i am trying to gain from this post. I guess i just want to write to the universe to release some of the feelings.
This has been the most soul crushing thing i have ever gone through and it feels even worse because i chose it.
Has anyone else felt the same or similar? Does it ever get better?

OP posts:
ED81 · 06/10/2021 14:03

@AutumnGrace22322. It sounds like you are having a terrible time. I’m sorry that you are feeling so consumed by this.
I too had a termination earlier this year. The mental health fall out has been huge but things have improved. I’ve received counselling on a weekly basis (privately) and that has helped. It hasn’t just been all about the termination but other stuff too.

I’ve also used an organisation called ‘Stillwaters’. Google ‘Stillwaters Birmingham. They have been fantastic and offer weekly counselling if a format to process what has happened including the guilt, anger, regret and grief that you describe.

You aren’t alone in this.xx

Tangerinedreamx · 26/10/2021 15:24

Hi @AutumnGrace22322utum how are you doing? I am currently going through a similar situation, I haven't had the termination yet but I am booked in. I am already feeling confused and guilty but know it's going to be the right choice. Have you been offered any counselling? Try and not be so hard on yourself. You made a decision based on what was right for you and your family. It is normal to have a period of grieving at the time, so go ahead and don't feel ashamed for feeling grief, but try and give yourself a break too. Have you spoken to your GP or have a close friend you can confide in? Sending you lots of love to you.

Nothealedyet · 02/11/2021 03:51

OP,

Yes, I have been in a similar position, albeit from a different angle.

In my case, my wife and I had made a joint decision that neither of us would use contraception, and try for a third.

My wife fell pregnant at a very dark time for her at work (she was being bullied) and when her mental health was very poor (depression and anxiety disorder) and decided (over my objections) to abort what would have been our third child at 6 weeks. I tried twice in the week after she found out she was pregnant to change her mind. I failed.

I regret, deeply, not trying harder to persuade her to change her mind. I regret not reaching out to my dad (who she respects immensely) and her sister, as they my gut tell me they may have convinced her that, with the combined support of myself and them, she could have that baby.

That was 6 years ago. She has only recently told me how deeply she regrets her decision. Whilst she has never said it directly, I am fairly confident from other statements she has made about how mental health impacts decision making that she has realised that the decision to abort was made in a dark place, in response to a tough situation and when her judgement and thinking were, at best, clouded.

I still cry a couple of times per month about it. Stories about abortion law reform trigger me. It's hard.

I suggest getting counselling. Our church pastor was amazing (very non-judgemental), and a psychologist helped me turn anger at my wife into "normal" grief, if that makes sense.

Take care of yourself, it's OK to regret what you think or know, with the benefit of hindsight, was a mistake. I find it helps to acknowledge that we can make mistakes, acknowledge the reasons WHY we made those mistakes and forgive ourselves.

In my case, my mistake was to think that being a husband who respected his wife's bodily autonomy meant to stop talking to her about her decision, once she had made it. My mistake was to not reach out to our mutual support network until she was literally at the clinic and I was crying in the car.

I realise those mistakes now. I understand I was trying to respect her decision, even if it was one I profoundly disagreed with and one that was made when her rationale decision-making capacity was at its lowest. I take some comfort in that. Be gentle on yourself. We make mistakes, it's what we learn from them that matters.

Tangerinedreamx · 03/11/2021 09:16

@Nothealedyet I'm sorry to hear what you and your wife have been through. Are you able to talk it through together and move on together? I notice you keep using the words "my mistake" and it sounds like you are blaming yourself. It's nobody's fault just an awful situation you have both gone through. Mental health can have such a massive impact on the way people rationalise and make decisions, and I think unfortunately those pregnancy hormones can make that worse. Please both you and your wife be kind to yourself x

Sudokuzebra · 03/11/2021 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nothealedyet · 04/11/2021 00:24

@Tangerinedreamx

I've tried to get her to talk about with me, maybe get some joint counselling. Flat no from her each time. I've had some counselling with our pastor (as has she, but only recently) and a psychologist. My wife also spoke to the psychologist that was treating her anxiety disorder and depression from the work-place bullying shortly after the abortion, but stopped as she got a new job literally 9 days after the abortion, and then she recovered very quickly once there.

9 days. If she'd found out just 10 days later, we'd probably have three children and a whole lot less pain a grief. 10 days and she would have been able to the see (in her words) "that there is a light at the end of the tunnel" and would probably have either made a different decision or been open to persuasion.

Feelingtender · 22/11/2023 12:57

Your story is identical to mine. How are you feeling now if you don’t mind me asking? My termination was yesterday and I am drowning in guilt and regret today. I would really appreciate hearing from you.

Tangerinedreamx · 26/11/2023 15:55

@Feelingtender I'll be honest I went yo a dark place for quite sometime. I felt an powering sense of loss and grief but at the same time I didn't feel like I had the right to feel like that because it was my own fault. I'll be honest my partner wasn't the best support because he couldn't understand how I felt I guess and I kept it from all my friends and family out of shame. Don't do that. Talk to a friend/family member/ Partner and explain how you feel. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and give yourself time. Take some counselling. In time you will look back and know that you made the right decision even though it was a hard and horrible situation. I'll be honest, I feel I am a very changed person to the person I was. Everyone is different. Sending lots of love and feel free to pm me if you need to chat xx

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