What decided it for you

[5thnonblonde]

Currently struggling to decide whether to continue with this unplanned pregnancy. The timing couldn’t really be worse, our youngest is 5mo. I don’t think we could afford two lots of nursery fees and I’m not sure if work will let me come back early (affecting whether I’d need to repay mat pay/would be entitled for more)

I wanted another child but DP has been clear all along he doesn’t. He had suggested we wait til LO is 2 and discuss then as he finds it hard to plan another whole we’re still in the thick of the baby year. He also wants us to get married (wedding was postponed for COVID)

I probably am leaning towards a termination but with immense sadness and regret. I keep scrabbling to try and figure out how we could make this work, and then also keep feeling sad about the holiday we’d cancel, the impact on LO, my career etc.

I don’t feel I can talk to anyone I know as most of my friends are through NCT or have small babies and I just think they’d be horrified I was even considering this

If you went through this and decided either way, what decided it for you? I wake up with a certainty and by the time I get to bed I’m as confused as ever.

We are both young enough that we could wait a few years so there isn’t time pressure.

Hi,
From my experience, I acted in sheer panic and had the termination. I completely regret it and I'm still very upset about it. My reasons were slightly different to yours. I hadn't been with my partner very long at all, didn't know if it was long term, wasn't even living together ect.
Timing is never going to be 'right' as such. If yours and your partners relationship is long term and strong, I'd say go for it and continue the pregnancy.

Thankyou @sounsurex I took the test on cycle day 25 so realised very early but I still feel under immense pressure to decide very quickly as I obviously don’t want to leave it longer than necessary.

I have made an appointment with BPAS for the posted pills but not until next Wednesday which on the one hand feels miles away and in the other no time at all

Although I’ve made the appointment I’m not ‘decided’ I guess I just wanted it there in case I did decide on that

@5thnonblonde firstly, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I really don't think there is a right or wrong decision here and everyone will give your their views on based on their circumstance which are of course not yours. I have had two terminations in my late teens/early twenties and as much as I felt sad about that, it was 100% the right thing to do for me for a variety of reasons and I have no regrets about the decision.
The people who tell you to continue will not be the people who will be helping you with two little ones under two or supporting you financially which can be majorly stressful. But equally the people who give their view to end will not be supporting you if you feel upset!
My advice would be to be realistic and think practically how your life will be if you continue and to speak with your partner about how the decision either way will affect you emotionally. I hope you're getting and continue to have support whatever you decide if right for you and your family. Take care

Having once caved in to pressure and understood the grief and regret that brings, second time around I allowed myself to be myself and go with my feelings and I just kept saying I'll do whatever you want, just not that. After 12 weeks he gave up. Daughter so amazing and 13 now. My personal opinion is that it's so sad we have to fight for our right to be pregnant. But we do.

Thanks @gigella. It’s reassuring to know this is possible without all consuming regret. We have no family around so the idea was for us to have a larger family but space it out to make it both financially and practically do-able.

@Aphrodite31 congrats on your baby but I’m sorry you had pressure up to 12 weeks. DP has said if I go ahead he’ll probably be a bit shell shocked for a few days but will do what he has to (including attending therapy if needs be) to be able to support me so I don’t feel pressure from his side, which is helpful.

I had a counselling session with BPAS and would recommend. They’re truely pro choice and don’t push you in either direction, they sort of just helped me untangle my thoughts.

@5thnonblonde it absolutely is possible but that very much depends on your circumstances. It sounds awful when I say it but I was 19 the first time and 24 the second. Both unhealthy relationships and I was in university at the time. I would not be who I am today if I went ahead with it. I love children and was desperate to have a baby but it just wasn't my time

Sounds like your DH is supportive of your decision either way and you're getting the right support which is the best thing to do. X

@gigella I was blaming him for a bit. Thinking that if he just had the Hollywood reaction and wanted the baby I’d have no problems but I realised even if he had done that I’d still be facing huge financial, practical and logistical issues on top of that I just don’t want to be pregnant right now.

@5thnonblonde I think that's an understandable feeling. Naturally we look to pass the blame or issue to someone else so it's easier for us to process. But it's important to consider the practical and reality stuff as much as the emotional stuff. I can only tell you how I would feel which would be that I would really worry about finances/support/childcare/work etc but I do think that a lot of women even who are trying for a baby worry about those things. Having been through money problems myself over the last year, it can affect a relationship too. I'm saying this as I feel strong enough to deal with the emotional side though and only you know how you would be managing that

@gigella yes the strain on our relationship is also something that’s factored in. Before lockdown my partner’s mum died, we’d been caring for her until she went into residential care. Then there was lockdown with a pregnancy and baby... it just feels like we’ve just got through 2 or 3 really rough years and it was just starting to feel a bit lighter and easier. I’m worried that plunging us back into tough times will be a real feat of endurance and life just doesn’t need to be that hard.

@5thnonblonde that sounds like you've had a really stressful couple of years so I can completely understand your reservations about being pregnant again.

Have you shared all how you're feeling with your DH? If so, what does he say about it? Does he know how you're feeling towards the pregnancy?

@Sudokuzebra I had thought I can probably argue that with work- we’re heavily unionised and I’m sure my rep would give it a shot. We wouldn’t get any UC and would be paying well over £1.5k in nursery fees for 14 months. It’s nearly all my salary. I am looking into whether a nanny would be possible.

@gigella yeah he’s aware. It’s hard for us as a couple because he really doesn’t want another right now but he is worried about me too.

When you already know you’re wanting to have another baby, it’s natural to think that once you’re pregnant that you should keep it. For some they should and that’s the right decision but if delaying things makes everything more comfortable and means you enjoy the process, it can be the right thing to terminate and do it as you planned. For us women, I think we immediately feel that guilt of it being a child already, when our other halves probably view it more rationally as cells and tissue at this stage. It’s only slightly beyond the egg and sperm that never would have made a baby alone. If you chose a termination, it is merely putting you back in the situation you were in before so you can plan when to do it (not suggesting you terminate, but just that you don’t feel guilty if this is what you felt best).

Although some people do regret their decisions, your decision isn’t about having a child or not as you’ve said yourself you both want to try for baby number 2 at some point. Some people that don’t have kids at all may understandably feel that worry of never having a family after a termination and I’m sure this must make it harder to be comfortable with a decision. You just need to consider the timing and any pros and cons as a result of this. Keep talking to your other half and extend your counselling if you’re still not sure as you have plenty of time to consider your options. Good luck x

@Rgy3250999 Thankyou your post has really helped me- that’s a very helpful way of looking at it

I'm really sorry to know you're going through that! I disagree with the idea proffered by someone else that those who advise you to continue with the pregnancy don't understand your situation. Frankly, I'm sure the comments here are well-intentioned.

Please think it through before making a final decision! If you're already regretting it, chances are that you might be even sadder after the termination.

Another option is adoption, a loving, giving choice that a lot of people in this situation don’t think of. Forget what you hear about kids stuck in the system; that usually refers to kids placed in the system when they're older. Newborns are usually adopted quickly. You could even choose open adoption which would let you keep in touch and see how your baby turned out.

Good luck, and remember to be kind to yourself.