How do you know if having an abortion is the right thing to do?

[tescee]

Hello all, please do not judge me as I have come here as a last resort to seek advice from people who fingers crossed will understand me. (Sometimes I know it's easier to speak to strangers) , I have a two year old daughter who will be three in the upcoming months and I have recently found out I am pregnant again. I've just turned 27 and I still comfortably live at home with my parents this is due to there being enough room for me and my daughter to have our own bedroom as well as my parents.
I have been with my partner for 11 years and he works a good job. I on the other hand lost my job last year due to Covid and still haven't found much luck since. However I do get by I don't struggle but I don't live the finest life either.
Roughly I'm 5 weeks pregnant I have PCOS which makes it hard to conceive and my periods are very irregular so this pregnancy has come as a massive shock to me I mean I was told I couldn't have kids yet here I am pregnant with baby number 2.
My partner is also shocked I know deep down he wants me to have an abortion he says he will stand by me regardless however just his actions and shutting me out of his feelings speak volumes that he is not happy in the slightest. His told his mom who also isn't happy she keeps saying I should focus on my daughter and the timing isn't right.
My mom has told me she would support me regardless but she don't think I should keep the baby at this time and my dad is just disappointed and abit mad that I've put myself in this situation.
My daughter has only just started nursery btw, but I'm confused of what I should do. Everyone is only saying all negative things not one thing has been a positive, everyone is saying my daughter will be jealous and get pushed out which I don't want to be the case as I love her more than anything.
However when I look at her i ask myself could I really go ahead with an abortion knowing the baby I'm pregnant with will one day be here potentially looking like her.
Also one of my biggest fears is that I will live to regret my decision, what if I can't bear to forgive myself for getting rid of my baby. I know partnering is hard but I've had it drilled into my head it will be 10 times harder with two and it's making me doubt that I would be able to cope.
I'm stuck on a situation that I wish wasn't happening. I want my baby but I know others don't want me to have it. But I don't want it to be such a struggle that every day I can't cope.

Please can I have some advice this would mean a lot to me thanks x

I'm so sorry you've found yourself with this difficult decision. I have been there just over 10 years ago, I went ahead with the abortion, it wasn't the right time for me or my partner (now husband). I was very sad for a while after but I don't regret my decision.

This was long before we had kids and now we have a beautiful little boy, so I understand your decision is that much harder because you already have a daughter and know how wonderful she is and how much you love her.

I have no doubt you would love this new baby just as much, and your DD would adapt to being a big sister. I think if you include her in the pregnancy and make her a special helper to the baby she wouldn't feel jealous or resent her sibling.

I don't have advice, only to say I've been where you are. I think you need to make the right decision for you and your daughter but no one else can tell you what that should be.

Wishing you all the best.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. It must be really weighing on your mind. I think the fact you are already questioning yourself shows deep down, abortion is not something that you really want. It may seem like you are only getting negative comments at the moment but it may be because it is as much of a shock to them as it is to you right now. They did say ultimately they would support you either way right? It might not be great timing. But that is often the case. I am pro choice. If you feel it is right for you then get an abortion. But don't feel pressured by your family's opinions. Take some time to think about it. All the best, whatever you decide.

You sound like you want to keep the baby but want to keep everybody else happy. Please follow your heart.

My daughter started nursery and I gave birth in that year. No jealousy. Teach your kids to love each other and treat them right. My 6 month old baby smiles and gets excited when her sister who is now in reception comes home and vice versa. Older one absolutely adores little baby too. Please don't worry about things that you don't have experience of yet. Some things work out.I had a miscarriage before I concieved my second and I would do anything to have him/her back.

Your child won't get pushed out. Don't worry. My daughters same age as yours when I had a baby and they do everything together. Play, share a bath, watch TV. It's brilliant. Plus it's easier as baby wants to learn from her big sister and she picks things up quickly. Big sis loves all the attention.

Op, I am so sorry you are going through this stress. Please, please, please, whatever happens, make sure that you make the right decision for YOU and your DP, irrespective of everyone else. I know you are living with your parents, so they have a right to an opinion about where you live, irrespective of the decision you make, but they do not have a right to decide whether you have an abortion or not. Your mil certainly should not be butting in, that is very presumptious of her indeed. There are too many people with opinions here on a very private matter. This is you and your partner's decision and no one else's. And ultimately it is your decision because you are the one that is pregnant.

An obvious question, but if you and your partner have been together for eleven years, why are you not living together, or are you? Also, if you are in an established relationship, why is your dad mad with you? It's not as if you are sixteen and alone?

Oh you poor thing. Are you in the U.K?
Do you have a G.P or anyone you could talk to?
It’s a difficult decision to make, practically/financially it doesn’t seem you are in the best position to have another child. Would your parents let you stay at home? Do you work?

Your family aren’t being helpful by saying your two years old will be jealous, they may well love a sibling! I’d say that’s the least of your worries.

If you very much want this pregnancy to go ahead I’d suggest contacting your local council and see if they can help you source accommodation, see what benefits you can claim. It’ll be hard if you are used to the comforts of home etc. It’ll be very difficult without your family around- if that’s the case.

Ultimately the decision is yours, but you need some kind of plan if you do decide to keep the baby.

I’m sure others will be along soon with better advice

@Ultraopaque

Op, I am so sorry you are going through this stress. Please, please, please, whatever happens, make sure that you make the right decision for YOU and your DP, irrespective of everyone else. I know you are living with your parents, so they have a right to an opinion about where you live, irrespective of the decision you make, but they do not have a right to decide whether you have an abortion or not. Your mil certainly should not be butting in, that is very presumptious of her indeed. There are too many people with opinions here on a very private matter. This is you and your partner's decision and no one else's. And ultimately it is your decision because you are the one that is pregnant.

An obvious question, but if you and your partner have been together for eleven years, why are you not living together, or are you? Also, if you are in an established relationship, why is your dad mad with you? It's not as if you are sixteen and alone?

Hi hunny, I'm not sure if I'm replying properly as I've never done this before lol. But thank you so much for your support I feel you've gave me more supportive words than anyone I have around me. Erm, me and my partner don't live together but he sees me and my daughter every day, through 2019-2020 we was saving for a deposit for a house together then because of covid I ended up spending a lot of my savings on just getting as I was made jobless, my partner works as a security guard manger for doors and CCTV operations so he works long hours every night, it's silly but we found our routine happy and easy in regards of living. Now I feel everything

My mother in law I don't think has ever really liked the fact of me being her grandchild's mom this is due to what I think because of race I am a white girl she is black and although she claims she's not racist she stands in her old fashioned ways that race should stick to race yes she loves her granddaughter and she allows her to stay over for two nights a week on the weekend to spend time with her but I just feel she don't like me , this is a very confusing situation I'm sorry I've put this on yourself as it's hard for anyone to digest.
My dad will be disappointed in me that I've put myself in this situation he loves my daughter and I don't think he would be able to share his bond with another baby,
I feel deep down I would regret this abortion.

@fluffyatemycake

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. It must be really weighing on your mind. I think the fact you are already questioning yourself shows deep down, abortion is not something that you really want. It may seem like you are only getting negative comments at the moment but it may be because it is as much of a shock to them as it is to you right now. They did say ultimately they would support you either way right? It might not be great timing. But that is often the case. I am pro choice. If you feel it is right for you then get an abortion. But don't feel pressured by your family's opinions. Take some time to think about it. All the best, whatever you decide.

Thank you for your comforting support! I do genuinely feel circumstances could be better in terms of the living situation and things, but i keep asking myself the same question at the end of every scenario I ask myself and it's "but would I regret it" And I'm a sensitive girl tbh I don't know how I would be able to handle the guilt. Would I rather a much easier life with the one baby and a life time of regret and grief or a hard change in my life. I'm so conflicted I do need to stop trying to people please and do what people want x

@SudokuZebra

I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation OP. I feel there is a lot of societal pressure placed on women to have a termination if the circumstances aren't ideal, and that is not right.

I can only speak from experience, but I rushed into an abortion in April and it had a catastrophic impact on my mental health, ( I was placed on antidepressant medication for the first time in my life), and would advise anybody else, who feels they may regret it, not to rush down this route.

It sounds like ultimately you will have family support, and I would advise if you in any way feel you will regret the termination not to do this, as I speak from bitter experience it has affected my mental health very badly.

Take your partner's mum completely out of the equation. She is irrelevant in this .

Do you have any close friends in real life who could be supportive ?

Hello lovely. I am so sorry you have been in this situation before and now have to live with the regret I am scared of feeling.

I sympathise with you and the fact your mental health ha took a massive turn for the worse due to this , I can see why it has tho! As I feel if I am to go ahead with an abortion I would most likely be like yourself and not be able to move on from the guilt,

Sorry to ask but is it the regret that gets to you the most or the thought of not giving it enough time or feeling as you rushed it
Most people think an unplanned pregnancy is either abort or keep and it's as simple as that when it's really not. I never truly understood until now. The stress is so bad

@faithfulbird20

You sound like you want to keep the baby but want to keep everybody else happy. Please follow your heart.

My daughter started nursery and I gave birth in that year. No jealousy. Teach your kids to love each other and treat them right. My 6 month old baby smiles and gets excited when her sister who is now in reception comes home and vice versa. Older one absolutely adores little baby too. Please don't worry about things that you don't have experience of yet. Some things work out.I had a miscarriage before I concieved my second and I would do anything to have him/her back.

You have hit the nail on the head I think! I think deep down I do want this baby and I do want to be happy about being pregnant but I can't show it, because I'm thinking of pleasing everybody else within this situation. Hearing how well your children get along is really encouraging and maybe it's what I need to hear other people's experiences! Who already have children, without sounding silly but did your life get much harder?

I would keep it in your situation but that is just my opinion. Abortion is incredibly sad, I am going through it now and I am a mess. I did it because I am a single mother of two kids, one of them i already raise alone. Birth control failed and it was a new partner who was so unsupportive about it all. I just felt that I couldn’t do it alone so I chose abortion. But now the grief is so overwhelming. Make the decision that you want because it is your body and don’t do anything to please other people.

@tescee no it wasn't much harder I kid you not. My 6 month old from the day she was born has been an amazing baby...sleeps well...no issues. I've started weaning her and she eats well too. She looks at the 4 year old and copies her I guess and that's why she's so easy. Our 4 year old was quite needy and since baby has come has learnt to be very independent. She looks after her sister too so it's win win at the moment. I'm contemplating a third now!

@LolaF I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be easy on yourself.

I feel deep down I would regret this abortion.

Hi again op. I think it is clear that, emotionally speaking, you want to keep this baby. It must be awful being happy about being pregnant and not being able to show it.

In practical terms though, babies need more than "just" love. And of course, your dp needs to take responsibility for his part in the pregnancy. It is not mature of him to shut you out at a time when you need him most. How strong is your relationship generally? Is he upset because of finances? He is allowed to be shocked initially but he needs to be practical too.

Are the other people around you disappointed because of the timing of this pregnancy? In other words, are they stretched financially; were they hoping that you would go back to work now your dd is in nursery? How much financial support does your dp give you? And your parents?

Depending on all the answers above (which you don't need to post here) and as your mother is supportive, why don't you and she do what pps have suggested and seek advice from any organisation that you think may be able to help and form a proper idea of the benefits you would be entitled to, and basically an idea of what financial provision and practical arrangements you would need to make to support your second child if your dp does not. And obviously you and he need to talk about finances too.

To a certain extent, harsh though this sounds, if you don't want lots of people involved in the decision making (and again, the ultimate decision is yours) you (and your dp??) need perhaps to think about living independently of everyone else. You need to put together a financial plan about what would happen if you decide to go it alone if your dp is not supportive.

I am sorry your mil appears to be racist. You need to leave her firmly out of the decision. She can make decisions about how she will respond to you and the baby (should you decide to have it) once you have made your own decision about things. Just park her to one side for the moment but take in to account that she may not be prepared to take on two dc overnight at weekends and what you would do in those circumstances.

Good luck op Again, this is very much your decision, but maybe the people around you will before supportive if you show them you have done the financial hwk and planning. And if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, how about looking in to studying while your dd is in nursery so that you can retrain?

be more supportive

i know I might get a great deal of bad feeling but I am at my wits end and desperately need advice. I had an affair with a person I have know a long time. My marriage had been bad for a long time but I was too much of a coward to leave. I became pregnant. I knew I had to leave to have the baby or to have an abortion to stay in my marriage, I have two children. I had the abortion which I never thought I would be able to do. It was very traumatic and I regretted it deeply. My husband found out and threw me out. (I know I deserved this) I have since had a great deal of mental health problems which I won’t go into. I was so desperate to replace the baby that I have got pregnant again. It really hasn’t made the guilt go away. I have left the person I had an affair with to try and get my head straight and I don’t know if I will go back to him. Is it selfish to continue the pregnancy when I have mental health problems, no where to live, massive debts from my last marriage and I’m trying to pay the rent for my husband so our children can continue to live in there home. A baby will put a big strain on my children who are already finding the whole thing difficult. I who that I have made so terrible decisions and things are a complete mess. I guess I could just use some impartial advice.

Hi Rhubarb, I see your message is from a week ago so I don't know what state you are in right now. It sounds like you need a lot of support and help. Do you need help getting connected with somewhere you could get resources? If you let me know what general area you live in, I can see if I can find any organizations that can offer you help. I feel so bad for you, and wish you nothing but peace. Hope to hear from you.