I feel hopeless

[wavesandwaves]

I’m having a termination. I feel so heartbroken and riddled with guilt and grief. It is the right thing for me and my partner at this moment in time, and I really do know that, but the thought of having to end the growing life inside me and go through the process of removing the pregnancy has me in bits. I’ve been up for hours now thinking about what I’m about to do and I’m just gutted.

I think I’m about 3 weeks, I’m phoning BPAS today to arrange the first steps. I think I’d like to try a medical because I don’t want to take time off work to go to a hospital, but I’m reading lots of horror stories here and elsewhere online that the medical is really awful. I’m so worried it will go wrong and effect my fertility in the future (all I want in life is to have my own family and I think this is why the termination feels so unnatural and against all of my instincts).

I also had a surgical termination when I was 18, I’m now 24. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have fertility issues or pregnancy issues as a result of two terminations and I can’t get it out of my head that I’m going to be punished later down the line for ending two pregnancies.

My partner has been amazing and so incredibly supportive but he’s not the one who’s pregnant so it only comforts me so much. He doesn’t know about my previous pregnancy at 18 so I can’t discuss my anxiety that this will ruin my chances of having a baby when the time is right.

I’m just heartbroken that I’ve landed here (again) and feel flooded with guilt and grief and shame. I don’t know how I am going to cope with taking the pills and waiting for it to come out. I can’t stop crying and feel bereaved that I’m about to go through this and stupid that I’m here in the first place.

I don’t know why I’m writing this all out but thank you if you read it all x

Thanks Sudoku for your lovely kind and warm words.

Happy to share more with you.

It was definitely a huge shock and I’m still reeling from it. We have been so meticulous with our contraception specifically so we don’t end up here which just adds to my heartache.

My partner is a couple of years younger than me and he doesn’t earn a particularly sustainable wage to start a family. My job is good and pays well but I’m only just starting to develop my career and a baby would stunt that hugely and set me back years. We have been saving to buy a house and due to complete that process at the beginning of next year so there is little to no room in our budget to prepare for and provide for a child. We’re also very young and I think we would like to experience more of what life has to offer before we become parents.

It’s sad because if we were a few years older and had more money/stable jobs/our own home then things could be so different for us.

I know that this is the right decision for us right now, I am confident with that, but that doesn’t make it an easy one or take the pain out of it. I am mainly feeling guilty and apprehensive at the actual process of the termination and also feel hugely anxious that I may struggle to conceive or maintain healthy pregnancies in the future.

I hadn’t realised that there was so much counselling out there. When I phone BPAS I think I’d like to explore that.

If you don’t mind me asking, what were the reasons for your own termination and how was it/how has it been?

Thank you again for taking the time to reply it has been a comfort xx