He doesn’t want a baby yet

[Dumbler]

Recently discovered I’m pregnant with a man who I’m in a long term casual relationship with.
Told him at the weekend and he basically had a massive panic attack as he doesn’t want to be a dad yet. I was on the pill so we thought we were safe.
I already have children so I’m probably wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy. What do I do about dad? Do I just tell him I’m going ahead and say he doesn’t need to be part of the baby’s life?
I hate that he’s so upset and feel very guilty for putting him through such pain and anguish

He should be worrying about you, not other way around. He is acting like a selfish prick. If your needs and worries are not his priority, bin him. I know it wasn't planned but this shows what sort of man he is deep down.

@thingymaboob

He should be worrying about you, not other way around. He is acting like a selfish prick. If your needs and worries are not his priority, bin him. I know it wasn't planned but this shows what sort of man he is deep down.

This is a bit harsh, I think. Having a child is an enormous thing, life-changing, and it's not always an easy thing to get your head around.

It’s entirely your decision whether to keep the baby or not. He doesn’t have to be involved but he will have financial responsibilities etc.

I would give him time to let the news settle in then try and have a calm conversation about what you both want to do. His initial reaction might not be his final one.

My question to him would be whether the issue is the baby now or the baby with you.

IME of men, they keep fairly casual relationships going until they meet the one (or one who insists on a committed relationship).

If the issue is that he'd have a baby later, then it's just a matter of readjusting plans.
If he didn't see you as the mother of his children, then it's a bigger problem, IMO.

I'd give him some time to process it and have an open and honest discussion about it.

BTW, you're not putting him through nothing. He chose not to wear double protection to your pill. There's always a risk of a baby. And you're the one carrying said baby, not him.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

I can’t see him changing his mind about this. He would have children with me, but in a few years time. Body clock is ticking for me so that probably wouldn’t be an option

Stop worrying about the man if he wanted to make sure that no baby could result from his procreative act he should have worn a condom.
You are the important person here, it's your decision.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

He is worried about me. Has been texting asking how I am

He's not worried about you he's worried about himself, he's desperately trying to get in control of the situation. The truth is he has no power here, he gave all his power away to you when he had sex without a condom.

@Dumbler

I can’t see him changing his mind about this. He would have children with me, but in a few years time. Body clock is ticking for me so that probably wouldn’t be an option

Sorry, I might have worded that badly. I meant a further conversation wouldn’t necessarily involve a panic attack. You can talk about if he wants to be involved or not more easily if he’s had time to digest the news.

I’m hoping to have a scan soon to see how far I am. I very much doubt he will come with me for that. Yes we need to sit down together when the panic has died down and discuss everything

Hi dumbler
Just wondering how you are getting on? Seems we are in exactly the same position xx

Up and down. I had a scan a few days ago. Little bean with a heartbeat flickering away. I have an appointment with Marie stopes next week and I’m still so torn.
We are together properly now and he said he would very much be involved if I were to go ahead, but that isn’t what he truly wants right now. After me seeing the scan I’m feeling immense guilt. So I’m still torn over what to do although he thinks I’ve decided to go ahead with the termination(which I had up until the scan)
Hope you’re ok @bubbles334

If he is to be involved in the decision then he should have been to the scan. Did he go? Did you ask him to?

You need to share your thoughts with him, if your decision involves him.
If he wanted this child, you'd have it, wouldn't you?
Don't guilt trip him into it, but, IMO, he should go through the same process as you as much as possible and not be able to detach. You're not afforded that luxury.

I’m already feeling a bit of resentment toward him which I really don’t want to feel.
He didn’t come to the scan-I didn’t want him to.
Yes, if he wanted it, I’d be keeping it

@Dumbler

I’m already feeling a bit of resentment toward him which I really don’t want to feel. He didn’t come to the scan-I didn’t want him to. Yes, if he wanted it, I’d be keeping it

I hear that @Dumbler

Hope you are getting on okay ❤️

I made an appointment at Marie stopes too have to wait a while though..keep going back and forth xx

You can't rely on him staying with you whatever decision you make. It needs to be what you want in this case. Being guilt tripped into an abortion is absolutely not on.